Trying the steps and struggling
Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:05 amOk ya'll, I have gone through the steps on the cccc counseling and I am gonna do them again but this time I feel the need to blog on here.
As some of you know, I have struggled for yrs as a Christian and have made many mistakes and sinned against many and our Lord but here it goes...I have to do this cuz I feel like such a failure and don't want to give up yet....and I feel a "mustard seed of faith" that God hasn't given up on me yet.
I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 20yrs old. He found me while I was flipping through channels on the tv one day while I was bored with my life. This was truly of His doing since I NEVER watched Christian television. It was the "700 Club". Before I knew what was going on, I found myself on the floor weeping and giving my heart to Jesus and confessing my need for forgiveness. I cannot begin to explain how it happened but after that I felt different. I felt clean (for awhile anyways) and "just different". Immediately I was delivered from cigarettes and cussing. I have no clue why the Lord choose those two things but He is the wiser One so will just go with it. I was living with a girl-friend and when she came home from work I told her what had happened. She had some church experiences and knew God at one time so she "knew" what I did. That does not mean she liked it though cuz now there was a competition. I was drawn to continue seeking more of Him through Christian television and reading my Bible. They said on the program I watched that I needed to tell someone I became "born-again" so besides telling my friend, I wrote the only other Christians I knew which were my Aunt and Uncle. She wrote back and told me that she knew ppl who could take me to church. I (unfortunately) at the time said no thank you cuz I had remembered how their church was from growing up. It was stale and boring. And they were very dry. And I did not believe their theology either. They believed so much in legalism and Jesus was not spoken of much in their church. Much was spoken on law and rules and such but the power of Christ was not spoken of so I was turned off. Anyhow, from that point on I tried in my own power to rid myself of sin that I had become convicted of which at that point was to leave homosexuality. And ironic as it was, my girlfriend at the time was the one to help me in leading me to good Christian music and such. But the time came when I told her we could only be friends and we remained roomies for awhile. I got a job and started separating our lives. Well, my main mistake I made was trying to "make" myself "straight" thinking this was the main goal at the time. I tried to replace her with any Christian male that would have anything to do with me. In essence, I worked on the "wrong" relationship. I should have been working on my relationship with God instead. This explains why I did not "grow" in the Lord. I was trying to fix myself instead of learning to love Jesus first and learning of His love for me. What a mess, huh?
Not too long after these changes, she left. She took my car, my money and allot of my clothes while I was at work. I came home from work with a friend in tow and the whole apt was a mess. Next bad thing that happened was landlord left notice of eviction on my door, got laid off from my job, and had no where to go......sooooo...called my mom. They came and got me and I moved in with them in their little trailer. Had no privacy, no room, had to sleep on the couch. Got a job with my step-dad. I was still grieving over my ex and trying to cope with the living arrangements and my step-dad at the time said I could not watch Christian tv on HIS television. He ran the roost there and it was not pleasant. He was even at times mean about stuff. And my feelings got hurt allot and even the fact that mom did not stick up for me hurt me too. At one point, he even told me that if I didn't like it there that I could leave and don't let the door hit my behind. I was so hurt. I had asked mom to go to church with me so I could get baptised and she agreed. She continued to go with me until my step-dad put a stop to it. Soon she said she couldn't go anymore cuz they didn't have time for that. Another shot of pain in me. I wanted so much for mom to have Christ in her life and my step-dad seemed to interfere so much. Well, I continued to work and life was pretty cruddy to the point that when my ex started writing me I started writing her back. I was so desperate for someone to understand and I wasn't about to tell the church what I was going through for fear of judgement and rejection. Well, I never went back with her but I left God for awhile cuz of the pain I felt.
To make a long story short. I have gone back and left and gone back and left and made many mistakes along the way.
And here I am now trying to prevent further damage in my life and in anyone elses that I have affected. I have learned quite allot on this site already and met many good friends on here.
I have done the steps the best I could and am going to repeat them again and let them sink in this time.
From what I can see that happened in my life is that I did not attain a good foundation with Christ after I got saved. I went from a "new-born" to trying to "save the world" when I needed much deliverance myself. What a mess my life was and still is....sighhh....
But...I am hoping in God's grace through all this and that now I can begin the weeding but this time include better Truths of His Grace in my life now. I don't think I really trusted Him after all that mess happened in my life after I first accepted Him and tried to live for Him.
Oh, boy, have I got some weeds to pull!!...
...but I am kind-of excited to start even though I know it will be difficult...I now have friends to help me. Yeee hawwww 
I think that's all for now. I'm really glad for this site and I am hoping and looking forward to learning and growing up now.
God Bless You All on here!
Tracy
As some of you know, I have struggled for yrs as a Christian and have made many mistakes and sinned against many and our Lord but here it goes...I have to do this cuz I feel like such a failure and don't want to give up yet....and I feel a "mustard seed of faith" that God hasn't given up on me yet.
I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 20yrs old. He found me while I was flipping through channels on the tv one day while I was bored with my life. This was truly of His doing since I NEVER watched Christian television. It was the "700 Club". Before I knew what was going on, I found myself on the floor weeping and giving my heart to Jesus and confessing my need for forgiveness. I cannot begin to explain how it happened but after that I felt different. I felt clean (for awhile anyways) and "just different". Immediately I was delivered from cigarettes and cussing. I have no clue why the Lord choose those two things but He is the wiser One so will just go with it. I was living with a girl-friend and when she came home from work I told her what had happened. She had some church experiences and knew God at one time so she "knew" what I did. That does not mean she liked it though cuz now there was a competition. I was drawn to continue seeking more of Him through Christian television and reading my Bible. They said on the program I watched that I needed to tell someone I became "born-again" so besides telling my friend, I wrote the only other Christians I knew which were my Aunt and Uncle. She wrote back and told me that she knew ppl who could take me to church. I (unfortunately) at the time said no thank you cuz I had remembered how their church was from growing up. It was stale and boring. And they were very dry. And I did not believe their theology either. They believed so much in legalism and Jesus was not spoken of much in their church. Much was spoken on law and rules and such but the power of Christ was not spoken of so I was turned off. Anyhow, from that point on I tried in my own power to rid myself of sin that I had become convicted of which at that point was to leave homosexuality. And ironic as it was, my girlfriend at the time was the one to help me in leading me to good Christian music and such. But the time came when I told her we could only be friends and we remained roomies for awhile. I got a job and started separating our lives. Well, my main mistake I made was trying to "make" myself "straight" thinking this was the main goal at the time. I tried to replace her with any Christian male that would have anything to do with me. In essence, I worked on the "wrong" relationship. I should have been working on my relationship with God instead. This explains why I did not "grow" in the Lord. I was trying to fix myself instead of learning to love Jesus first and learning of His love for me. What a mess, huh?
Not too long after these changes, she left. She took my car, my money and allot of my clothes while I was at work. I came home from work with a friend in tow and the whole apt was a mess. Next bad thing that happened was landlord left notice of eviction on my door, got laid off from my job, and had no where to go......sooooo...called my mom. They came and got me and I moved in with them in their little trailer. Had no privacy, no room, had to sleep on the couch. Got a job with my step-dad. I was still grieving over my ex and trying to cope with the living arrangements and my step-dad at the time said I could not watch Christian tv on HIS television. He ran the roost there and it was not pleasant. He was even at times mean about stuff. And my feelings got hurt allot and even the fact that mom did not stick up for me hurt me too. At one point, he even told me that if I didn't like it there that I could leave and don't let the door hit my behind. I was so hurt. I had asked mom to go to church with me so I could get baptised and she agreed. She continued to go with me until my step-dad put a stop to it. Soon she said she couldn't go anymore cuz they didn't have time for that. Another shot of pain in me. I wanted so much for mom to have Christ in her life and my step-dad seemed to interfere so much. Well, I continued to work and life was pretty cruddy to the point that when my ex started writing me I started writing her back. I was so desperate for someone to understand and I wasn't about to tell the church what I was going through for fear of judgement and rejection. Well, I never went back with her but I left God for awhile cuz of the pain I felt.
To make a long story short. I have gone back and left and gone back and left and made many mistakes along the way.
And here I am now trying to prevent further damage in my life and in anyone elses that I have affected. I have learned quite allot on this site already and met many good friends on here.
I have done the steps the best I could and am going to repeat them again and let them sink in this time.
From what I can see that happened in my life is that I did not attain a good foundation with Christ after I got saved. I went from a "new-born" to trying to "save the world" when I needed much deliverance myself. What a mess my life was and still is....sighhh....
But...I am hoping in God's grace through all this and that now I can begin the weeding but this time include better Truths of His Grace in my life now. I don't think I really trusted Him after all that mess happened in my life after I first accepted Him and tried to live for Him.
Oh, boy, have I got some weeds to pull!!...
...but I am kind-of excited to start even though I know it will be difficult...I now have friends to help me. Yeee hawwww
I think that's all for now. I'm really glad for this site and I am hoping and looking forward to learning and growing up now.
God Bless You All on here!
Tracy
(kicking the enemy)
you precious soul.