Christianity Oasis Forum

[huckleberrybaby]

Okay,so I copied and pasted from "my documents" the past three days of this "healing, wholeness" trip the Lord has brought me to because I have been extremely hesitant to post in a public forum due to of my lack of trust. My journals had names, which I have blocked out,but,these daily journals are completely candid.I am hoping for more "hope" in this,yet again,another piece of my healing since hope has been dashed,and without hope,what's the point of putting one foot in front of the other and going on? Here are my entries....
10/4/11…. Stepping stone…day 1
So, here I am journaling AGAIN! I did tell ****** just last night that I don’t just talk the talk I walk it, and, I usually do. I just do not get why I can’t let go of this stuff with ***** and all that he did to me and to my daughters, but yet, it’s like my daughters have amnesia. I have this intense urge to defend, maybe it’s more like justify, myself whenever ***** calls me about something ***** is doing in his fits of rage and scheming. I feel used, I feel victimized,again, and I feel abused,again. I left ******(this is where I used to live) to be with my husband here, which meant I left a life of abuse from my first husband, ****, of 33 years. It’s almost like I am not supposed to have any feelings or that the things that happened to me and my daughters I should just not even remember or give any credence to them. I feel sickened and I admit there are times, a lot of times, I just wish all of them back there would get out of my life completely because I don’t trust them, not even one of them. I can’t even seem to gather up all the feelings and issues together in this one journal entry, there’s too much and a lot of it is much too confusing. I do know one of the things that hurts me deeply is how much I give and give to others but I do not even have a single person I can talk to about this, in other words, I do not have a friend to share my hurts with. I just don’t get it, but what I do get is, it hurts deeply. I have never had a friend who stood by me and defended me, well, that’s not quite true, I did have one, but I found out after several years she stood by me because she wanted something from me, just like every other relationship I have had in my life. I have even had this admitted to me by several women I thought were my friend when in reality they just wanted my advice. It’s almost as if I am not allowed to share my pain and my hurt and my torment but I am only to listen and come alongside others when they hurt. I have an empty place inside of me where hope used to live where it comes to finding a friend, I believe that hope has died and now I turn to reading self help pieces to get encouragement. I feel very lonely and very much alone. I trust no one, not even my husband, at least not completely. I am tired of holding on to a thin thread where it comes to ***** and*****. It’s not reality, it’s only desire……
10/5/11….stepping stone….day 2
Oh please, not again, a glimmer of hope once again but yet so much fear of rejection. I just want so badly to change how I react to life’s situations that I have been, or am now currently, involved in. I so badly want to respond to ******* differently when she talks about *****, or *****, or *****, or anybody else for that matter, in a way that brings up issues of abuse from these people in my own life. I spent last night, and early morning, crying my heart and my eyes out and I realized how fearful I am of rejection. I have had so much rejection that just when I think my heart cannot handle any more, I get more, and I just don’t understand it. I hesitate at any relationship anymore because I just know it’s going to end up with me being rejected, thrown aside after I have been used up for whatever the person needed to extract from me. So, I have kept to myself, locked up in this house and locked up within myself, not sharing much the pain that stabs me every single day. To reach out is rejection. I attempt to go for my phone and call ***, not the *** who peeled me from the core and made me raw after over 20 years of, who I now refer to as an “aquaintence,” but the *** from high school. My husband talks with me and helps me through, in fact he did this very act this morning on the phone, but there are still areas I don’t trust him in either, and, he is not a woman who can completely understand what a woman, a mom, and a daughter, goes through. Maybe one of these days I will open up a bit more to ***, I just fear, rejection…..
10/06/11….stepping stone….day 3
I must say it was a relief not to have ******* call yesterday.I am feeling actually some peacefulness and not a lot of chaos and turmoil in me,which is rather strange.My usual response at her not calling (after what she shared about **** coming into her job this past Sunday) would be confusion and turmoil wanting to know what’s going on back there. It would be so nice to have this same feeling for the rest of my life, especially when she, or anyone else, starts to speak of ****, or anyone else for that matter, who abused me, my kids, or my grandkids. I guess I am just not sure if I am in denial at this point or if I really and truly have done some processing and letting go. After talking with my husband yesterday about how I handled the call with ******* on Tuesday evening I realized I had chosen, without realizing it, to once again take responsibility for my ex-husband’s actions….even after all this time! When ******* told me about what he did on Sunday, I APOLOGIZED BY SAYING I AM SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID!!!!!!! What the heck?????? I took myself back over 4 years ago with that apology! He used to turn all of his bad choices into SOMEHOW being my fault, and I fell right back into my old pattern! YIKES! I also realized I have been doing the same thing with ***** and others by apologizing for their actions when those actions hurt *******. It’s been extremely hard carrying that pack of other’s choices on my back for so many years and I really want to take of that pack for good!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am considering joining the online forum for this website, but I am already feeling the fear of rejection!(I have joined,obviously) I mean, let’s face it, when I posted something at one point on a discussion forum for depression NO ONE RESPONDED FOR PETE’S SAKE! That hurt and drew me into my shell even more…..guess I will take a risk,AGAIN….only God knows what will happen. I know I don’t want to spend every waking hour on this computer in a forum, I just need acceptance and validation…..I used to be the one who taught women the value to replacing God’s truth with the world’s (the enemy’s) lies, now, I guess it’s my turn to really get the truths into a heart level for myself….

[momof3]

huckleberrybaby,

God bless you. Im so glad the Lord led you here. Its not a mistake that you were led here.

I just wanted to say a few things...you believe you have no hope, but my sister in Jesus, there is a spark of hope there...somewhere in your heart of hearts..that caused you to reach out...in hopes that someone hears..someone cares..Im praying that as you walk these steps in the CCCC forum that this little spark of hope becomes a burning fire inside of you. Faith is the substance of things HOPED for. You know this..and the enemy has been so busy whispering to you about all these things that you have been beaten down again and again. But, there is Hope. As long as God is on the throne, there is Hope.

Im going to take a little time to re-read your posts and pray about all of this....

Please know that Jesus wants you to be free from all of this that you carry around. Its not His will that you be burdened down so much...but that He will carry you through this..to the healing.

Im praying for you. You are not alone. So many here, will be praying for you from the sidelines.

In Jesus,
love momo

[huckleberrybaby]

Thank you momof3.It is soothing to my soul to read your words of validation and acceptance after such a stormy time for me.

[momof3]

Hi huckleberrybaby...cool name, by the way

We also have a forum here for people who have been abused..Life Beyond Walls. Its another tool the Lord has used to touch lives...and heal wounds from the inside out..and, those who read in there find out that they arent alone. Its a good thing, knowing you arent alone. This is what I hear mostly in your words shared..is that above everything else, you feel alone...almost like if you werent alone, you could handle all of this. Although the Lord cautions us to not trust man (human, flesh and blood) the way we should trust the Lord...or put faith in man the way we should place our faith in Jesus, He places people in our lives that we can lean on. Those He calls to help us carry the load....or to love us....or to be a part of the healing that needs to take place.

My sister in Him, You are not alone. The enemy of your soul has used other people to hurt you. he is also the enemy of their souls. He roams about like a roaring lion seeking those he can destroy...and he has convinced you in your mind that one) you cant forgive...two) you are alone dealing with this...three) no one cares.. and four) no one can be trusted..to love you, to hear you, to walk with you through this. You have to make up your mind that you can do anything in Christ. While He will use people as tools to speak with you or walk with you..ultimately, you know your healing comes from trusting every word of God. Its a matter of getting to the root of these thoughts and replacing them with what God says. I know you know this, but sometimes we need a reminder.

I know how hard it is to forgive someone who has hurt us...and even harder to forgive someone who has hurt our kids. Truth is forgiveness doesnt mean what they did was right. It means you will not take the place of God and Judge in their lives. You will allow God to be God to deal with them according to His wisdom and knowledge of their hearts. We dont know where people have been...what their story is, that allows the enemy of their souls to twist them and use them to hurt others. We see their actions...He sees their hearts. They are in just as much need as we are ..for Jesus and healing.

Im praying for you, my sister. I pray the Lord would envelope you in peace. God bless you sis, as you walk this path..and remember, even though you FEEL alone, His promise to you is that He would NEVER LEAVE you, nor forsake you. Its His promise. Cling to it and let the truth of it add a little more to that spark of hope He has already given you. He will use this to reach out to another who has walked the same walk of abuse you have...to give them some hope in Him.

in Jesus,
love momo