Christianity Oasis Forum

[josinella]

It's been a while since I have been in the Oasis and I am glad to be home. I am now working Til Death Do Us Part and I am already receiving God's peace. I have not been a happy Christian most of my life, but I know that God is with me. Many revelations have come and given me direction in life and an understanding of my unhappiness. I wanted to share my experience so far.

I am 59y.o. I grew up an only child with no dad. I was raised in the church and prayed for a dad and siblings. It didn't happen so I knew when I became of age, marriage and children were key to me. Marriage finally came (4) and so did the children. Each husband had a reason for being with me, not always for Death Do Us Part. The marriage that I am in now is the worst and without going into details, will most likely end soon. The most important message that I am getting out of the readings is that I need to be the person that God put me here to be. I have a ministry and a purpose that is God given. I have mistakenly put value in needs of the flesh.

My unhappiness is that I can't be who God wants me to be or even who I want to be in relationships that are so male-centric. That is not the meaning of "submit". It has taken me 4 times to figure out that my happiness is in Christ Jesus first and foremost; marriage is strengthened with God as head, not man. All 4 relationships were about the flesh in one manner or another and not the Spirit. True love in my life has always been clouded by personal gain by my spouses. I guess I thought in that giving them what they wanted, they would become satiated and get to the business of the relationship; their needs were never satisfied.

God is always Center. When a man loves you as the Bible commands, it is the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit that guides his treatment of you as He guides the woman. It is NOT uni-directional. The situations that I put myself in are the keys to my unhappiness as an adult. My new goal in life is to find peace from within, the love of Christ Jesus.

[dema]

I imagine you have some hurts from your past that have not been treated. Praying alone is not treatment. If you are bleeding profusely, you don't just pray. If you have a hurt that continues to cause you problems, it needs treatment.

People aren't perfect. And people only change from the inside out - that's where that prayer really comes in. God does change us. But the hurt still needs treatment.

If you had to be a grown-up when you were a little girl, then facing that hurt and realizing it was not your fault, and then maybe coloring, collecting dolls, going to the fair - or whatever you weren't allowed to do as a child- can very much help to open your heart to the healing of prayer and God's touch.

Childhood pain often leads to self-blame that isn't at all appropriate. "I should have stopped it" is a common thought - but the person was maybe 40 lbs.

I watched a man beat his family and I saw his son die. The evil man quoted scriptures all the time. Therefore as an adult I had an aversion to men who quoted scriptures. I figured it out with the help of a friend and I do not have that issue anymore. But it definitely affected who I married in the meantime.

Little kid brains can do odd things with information. In my case the good men went to church and said the blessings, but the moms read the scriptures.

Our lives are each very individual. We need to figure out our own hurts and irrational reactions and then we are so much better able to receive God's healing touch.

God wants you to have the desires of your heart. And God wants you to have a healthy heart.

[josinella]

A healthy heart is what I have been working on over the past few years. We are in marital counseling with the minister, who so far has only focused on my faults. My husband has lied about a great many things and the minister is seemingly only wanting to hear his side. The book he has us reading Love & Respect is very male-centric. I have tried to understand my husband and submit to his wishes that only increase without understanding. He gives the extravagant gifts and then, when I can't meet up to his demands, throws his giving in my face. I have felt much guilt, shame and self denial but I have had enough. I have to work this weekend and he is anger because I won't be available to him (moving the boat to the lake, probably wants me to drive).

The first lesson has given me so much peace. I have to come to the point where I can feel okay about being me without feeling guilty. This hard for me as I was raised to think of others. I think my minister is wanting me to demonstrate tolerance for my husband to come to repentance. I'm trying to figure out how that can happen when he is hiding behind blaming me for our marital condition, it takes two. I really feel unsupported as the minister made mention of me quitting my job, which through much prayer and hard work I was able to get (Network Operations Center Administrator II). This whole thing doesn't feel right. In my prayers and conversations to God, I feel so much peace and a sense that things will soon be changing for the better.

I want to thank you for your reply. You are so right in that I need to nurture and heal from the inside. I don't see that possible in my house as I am daily taking "pot shots". We didn't start off that way. Thanks again! He has my attention, now.

[dema]

Feel free to PM me. I definitely think you should keep your job. My goodness - telling you to quit your job. That seems like a very patriarchal church. I really can't imagine in this day and age.

I hope you will work on trying to see how you behave yourself. Most of us who are hurt get triggered by things - there are things which make us overreact. My husband jumped out to scare me when we were dating. I wasn't scared but he almost never saw me again. That was totally unacceptable behavior for me. I've found that we regress to a certain age when we are triggered - maybe not everybody, but very many people. I regress to 8 years old. My husband regresses to 14. I talked this out with a therapist - she noted that his behavior was that of a 14 year old. We know he started working at 14 - he never explored the rest of what 14 means to him. I know that 8 is when that little boy died in front of me after my watching his father beat up on the family. (He was hit by a car.) Well, our irrational behaviors don't match well at all. But we've adjusted. He has to let me get off by myself. Drives him nuts but he must. And he does. Of course I told him more than once that I would drive off in the car if he didn't.

I have several points - none of us are perfect, getting to know what makes our own selves tick can help us to handle the situation, insisting on quite time to get a grip is acceptable... probably more in there. Well, there's the huge one that your husband and minister don't seem to respect. We each get to draw reasonable boundaries for how we are treated. And being allowed to take half an hour alone when you have been hurt, scared, challenged or whatever is a really reasonable boundary. Not being yelled at continually is another. I don't know if that is an issue in your house.

Gifts should be freely given. Men like to give impressive gifts. Women often would prefer a little thought and caring with a lot less extravagance.

It sounds like your husband is acting out in a childish way.

Marriage doesn't tend to make people better - it tends to allow them to get worse. Just FYI. When dating they put out extra effort. As you go forward, that's a good thing to remember.

Anyway, if you would like to talk about more specifics, feel free to PM. Otherwise, God bless. Keep praying and listening.

[josinella]

I would like to privately text you. I know it has been a while but I feel like I have things to work on and am ready to work.

[mlg]

Hi Josinella prayers for your journey as you continue to work on those stumbling blocks you may have in your life.

God Bless you!

[josinella]

Thx