Christianity Oasis Forum

[radiant sunflower]

Hello,
I need help from people well versed in scripture. I grew up in a non-christian abusive home. My step-father controlling, physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive. When I was 16 I started dating a man I will refer to as Steve as this is not his real name. We dated then lived together for the first 2 years of our relationship. I broke up with Steve because I felt he was mean to me and self-centered. (one big example is that when we moved his console TV up a metal flight of stairs, he got frustrated with me and pushed the TV into me. this pinned my leg to one of the steps. In order to free my leg, I had to pull it out scraping my calf on the metal (he angrily denied that he could move the TV off my leg. I shredded my skin in a 5 by 3 inch area and he never showed any concern for my injury that he caused). Because of my childhood, I dismissed this (and many other things) as somehow my fault or that I didn't deserve better treatment. Granted I had my own issues as I was still a child, afraid of the world so became adept at procrastination (lazy) and I was overly jealous. So I am not claiming that I was perfect.
We were broke up most of one summer. I was to blind to see that my self-confidence had increased and my procrastination had decreased during this time, I had enrolled in college and dated a few guys which included Connor (not his actual name).
Steve crashed my last date with Connor. I watched Connor ( a very nice and respectful man) drive away while I dealt with Steve who was an emotional wreck. Though I had no intention of reconnecting with Steve, I ended up going back to him about a week or 2 later. Steve had not changed. He belittled me, told me I was an embarrassment, and after we were married said he did not want me making friends with his co-workers families because he did not want me to become a fat cackling hen.
7 months after our wedding, I was introduced to the forgiveness of God. In a few years after that, I came to understand how He forgives through Christ. (I am a slow learner). Steve claimed a faith in God, but his attitude and behavior never confirmed such. In 2002, I discovered that Steve had had a 15 month affair with a co-worker. Because I had studied the bible, I knew how God felt about divorce. I had confided in a friend (1999) that I wished he would have an affair so I could be released from my vows. So when I discovered the affair, I was ready to go! But, I prayed to my heavenly Father and asked for direction. I felt led to gently confront him and show mercy as God had shown me. Our marriage was better than ever for the next 2 months, then it plummeted right back into the same patterns. Steve had asked me what he could do to demonstrate his remorse. I said new vows and a new ring to replace mine that had been accidentally crushed onto my finger. He never followed through. He did however want to spice things up during intimacy. I was fine with all he asked, barring one thing-sodomizing me. Over a six year period he would attempt to do this and I would tell him to stop. Then near our anniversary in 2008, he just went ahead and fully did it. He tried to discuss it with me that day and I told him no. He claimed other men who were told no would just go ahead and do it and their wives liked it. I raised my voice and said that was disgusting and wrong.
I went into a state of shock when he did this. 2008 had been a horrible year as my family experienced deaths, a suicide, robberies and my second home was burned down by an arsonist. My mind could not comprehend what Steve did amidst all the tragedies and I literally forgot it for over a year. I confronted him 13 months later when I was rolling reasons why I wanted a separation and the memory of what he did was awakened. I truly believe it had happened only weeks prior. In short he denied any wrong doing. I had no degree, though I had over 70 college credits (his career made it difficult to finish and he also made life very hard for me when I was in school). I planned to finish a degree and leave him. We had been separated in house for several months.
He later denied that he ever had an affair and denied any wrongdoing in reconnecting with a an old sexual fling he'd had before we married. He also told me he did not want the marriage. Additionally, for years had taught the kids to disrespect me (a n example is when I needed to discipline one of them by removing computer privilege until grades improved (barring any usage for school work), he would tell them I was being unreasonable) {I have only shared some of the larger issues, there were many more as he had no concern for my health or safety}
Here is my sin.
I became so distraught by his treatment of me and how my kids were rejecting me that I shamefully turned from my faith. I entered into a 4 month online but sexually charged relationship with a man. I knew God was calling me away from it...I finally turned from it. Forgive me, but sadly I fell into the pattern again. Only this time, it was with a christian man, the nice guy I had dated 20 years earlier (Connor)who had also turned from the Lord. In time we confessed our sins to one another and the Lord and we married. We now strive to honor the Lord and this marriage.
I tried to suppress my sin with the online man and figured I would be forgiven. I know this was a wrong attitude and I am wanting to come back to my heavenly father, I am repentant...I see the damage I caused, I see how my actions make a mockery of the Lord, and my testimony of faith. I DO NOT want to turn back to the wrong attitudes and behaviors that led me to where I am now. I have mad a huge mess of things and I don't know how to come back. Sometimes, I feel as if I walked to far away...I have read the scriptures pertaining to adultery. But now what? How can this mess I have created be made holy?

[Dora]

My dear you have suffered so much. You were seeking love. Love is what we were created for. Now you're seeking love in the correct place, Him. The one who created you to love. His grace is sufficient. He understands. We fight a spiritual battle of the devil trying to get us to fall into sin then running to tattle on us to God after we do. God is very aware of the enemies plot. God is lifted up when His grace is applied to our sinful acts. How beautiful is that. Rest in Him. He loves you and has forgiven you completely.

Are you still with this man and if so does he show he cares for your physical, mental, and emotional well being now?

God loves ya and so do I.

[radiant sunflower]

Thank You for your encouragement. I am with the man I called Connor. He is the Christian man I wrote about at the beginning and end of my post. He does genuinely care about my health and well-being. He is patient, kind, loving, and respectful. I am truly blessed in this marriage. I just still felt ashamed of my behavior and when I read in scripture how sinners who sin like I did will not enter the kingdom of heaven, I not only see how grievous my sin was, but also feared a permanent separation from the lord. I have not told many people my sin, but knowing even a stranger would say that His grace is big enough, strengthens me in understanding His great love.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello sunflower
I want to welcome you to Oasis, I have read your post and some other simular ones too
I just want to say no you did not in any way deserve to be treated the ways you were, no man OR woman deserves to be treated this way being belittled and treated as if you have no worth, you have many worths and most of them to God but also to that one He created just for you.
I had this discussion with a friend of mine over dinner the other day, we had different views for sure
You see I believe just as the Lord made Eve JUST for the companionship and help of Adam,Genesis 2:18-23 I also believe that each of us has a equal companion that He created just for us (this friend believes we have many that are equally made) And we are not as lucky as Adam and eve was they were the only ones so the choice of companionship was already made were we get impatient with God and grab the first one that comes along, I am dealing with this issue myself from being alone for the last 2 years but I am trying to stand strong and wait on the Lord, you see I entered into a marriage that was not any where like yours but it still was not as God meant it to be, you see I was the one starving for that affection, she was raised in a family that didn't show it (as the other post discussed) and I tried everything to bring it out but if it is not there then there is nothing anyone can do to change it.
I am just SUGGESTING this could be: what if conner was your Adam and satan was throwing this steve into the mix to turn you from what God had planned.....just a thought.
I pray you and Conner are given Gods blessing into a REALationship I pray you are to him as God meant for the wife to be BUT I also pray he loves you as God loves the church Ephesians 5:25 but also want to add Colossians 3:19
I also pray Gods grace and forgiveness is upon you and you both put God first and allow His hands to heal you both.
God bless
Cuc

[dema]

When we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins. As far as the east is from the west, so far does God put our sins away from us. And not only does he forgive them, he remembers them no more.

You are forgiven. You are washes as white as snow by the blood of Christ - as long as you accept that Christ.

Just go and sin no more.

There is none righteous, no not one. We ALL need the sacrifice of Christ.

God loves you. You are righteous through Christ. You are forgiven. Rejoice!

[momof3]

Amen! God's grace isnt a pick and choose type of grace. It is sufficient when we seek it from Him. Sister in Jesus, we make choices that are not God's will for us. And, then, from the ashes of our lives...the mistakes we have made, He brings beauty. Dont let the enemy tell you that His grace isnt enough for you. Dont let him sabotage your relationship now. Accept Him at His word...that you are forgiven.


God is so good.

God bless you...and welcome to Oasis!!!

In Jesus,
luv momo

[LostNfound]

Let me say, that the mere fact that you are grieved in your spirit is a sign of repentance. True repentance can only be known by God. It you know the scripture than it's time to get in compliance with Gods word. Maybe you should take some time to be with yourself. Start fasting and praying and pouring your heart out to God and ask him for the Holy spirit. It's the only think that will keep you from falling and it will show you what to do.

[radiant sunflower]

Thank you all for your comments. I will rest in His grace and mercy. I also appreciate the suggestion to fast and pray alone. I have felt that urgency to do so. I will set aside a time for that.
It was/is hard to forgive myself because I soley sought out to serve my flesh and turned away from the God who loves me to do that.
Since my last post, my son had asked to live with me and I went to get him. I live 1400 miles from where he lived. In short, my son experienced a miracle. He has been unsure of placing his faith in Christ for years. the van we were driving broke down almost exactly in the middle of our trip. I saw the 'service engine soon' light come on. I tried to drive the vehicle which would not move much. He saw and did the same. We hobbled it to a Burgewr King where I went inside to seek help and a snack. My son remained in the van. I had prayed over the van before going in BK. I notified a strong christain friend, who I know prayed immediately. The van was still disabled. Then after making some calls to repair shops, I saw my son driving aroung the building. I grabbed my things and went out to investigate. I asked my son what happend he said it works now let's go. I got inside without questioning. THEN he volunteered "I did something I rarely do". I asked what that was. he said" I prayed, the light went out and the van worked." We were able to finish the trip without any further problems. A few days after we made it home the van began to act up again. We had needed a vehicle that was more suitable to our business, so we traded it in for that. GOD IS GOOD!

[Dora]

That is so cool! God is awesome!!!!