Christianity Oasis Forum

[ddavis2476]

Hello all! I am new here and thankful for a forum to freely speak. I do not share the most private parts of my life with my friends or family. I have been married for about 17 years. I think my parents probably seen the errors I was making for my life when I couldn't. I just thought they were trying to control me so I rebuked their warnings. Unfortunately, I am unsure if I chose the right role model for my children. I have been saved for about 3 years and I notice that the more I read my bible and build a relationshipo with Christ, the more remorseful I am that I probably did not choose the path for my life that God wanted. I am also noticing that my husband seems to be backing away from his christianity. He argues points in the bible, he does not get to church because of his job, he is addicted to game systems (X-box, tablet, phone, etc.), and he stopped reading the bible. He literally works and plays; I get no household support. He does not help make meals, clean, do laundry, fix things, or even do yard work. He also goes through periods throughout our marriage where he says he is blessed to have me but then I find porn sites that he visits. Sometimes he goes into dating sites and posts a profile as if he is single! I have 2 children and I know God is against divorce so I am quite conflicted. I have had several conversations with him about the destruction his habits are causing;our marriage, his christian walk, and my self-esteem. He adamantly refuses counseling, speaking with a pastor, seeking a christian based counseling, or anything else. This past week I once again found porn sites he was on and I told him that I cannot revisit this same conversation. This is his walk with God not mine. I know I must forgive and not judge but I am very lost here. Does God think that I made my bed so I must lie in it? I am left wondering whether I should I suck up the choices I have made in mylife and deal with it or do I try to find the path God wants me on? How will I know if this is my path or if there is another one I should be getting on? I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to condense it but I have so many thoguhts and no one I feel comfortable speaking to about this. I have been praying on this and giving it up to God as well.

[Rochelle]

Hello dDavis,I'm sorry about your current situation and how conflicted you must be.I want you to know I'm not an expert on marriage but I am able to encourage you and lend an ear.On reading your comment,I wondered,Why would God convict you about being married to this man? As a new belever we must remember about spiritual warfare and that the devil is the accuser of the brethren.He will use guilt and is able to place thoughts of regret in your head and twist the truth about where you should be with God.Surround yourself with a group of believers at your church to start praying for your husband.God has called us to reconciliation not division.Allow God to work within you so His light can shine and be a testimony to your husband.Remember God is still working on your husband,we sometimes look at things in the flesh and at the situation but God sees the final product.You never know,my sister,your husband may turn out to be another apostle Paul.I know you are overwhelmed with doubt but ask God to change your heart and to remove the feelings of regret and replace it with His love and mercy.Then you will be able to see your husband through God's eyes.I will pray strength,peace and wisdom for you and I will rejoice that what the devil meant for evil God change for His good.Stay strong.

[dema]

Please read the study on divorce here. It is not what you think. Moses allowed for divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts. Paul discussed it too. It isn't best on many levels. And it certainly isn't what you do first.

I agree that you should not revisit the same conversation with your husband. I don't think that any conversation should be had more than a couple of times unless something truly new arises. Perhaps reminding a person once in a while when they forget is okay.

And as far as him not helping - nagging diminishes you. I don't know if you nag. But that kind of unhappy disruption teaches bad things to the children about human relationships.

I had a baby of a husband. And we had a successful marriage for years because I was creative. Eventually he got mean and we were divorced. Mean - screaming constantly for weeks at a time. Blaming me for babies dying in war. How could I believe in a God who allowed babies to die in war? Anyway, he was very awful and his daughter was the one who campaigned to me to realize what he was doing to me and get help. And she is still my daughter even though not by birth. I am divorced twice and remarried. I had to figure out why I married the men I married.

Okay - the point is that this isn't an easy point. Is your husband a good daddy? You say he doesn't do anything but work and play - but does that include playing with the kids? Is he playing x-box with the children or only with other adults or by himself? Does he take them places? Does he listen to them?

Do you work outside the home? If you don't and you are considering divorce then you need to figure out a career. And that could fix part of the problem. If you are a stay at home mom then he may not feel like you do anything all day. Us women know that stay at home moms put in an 80 hour week when hubby doesn't help. Hubbies tend to think that having a stay at home mom gives them the right to do nothing around the house except fix things, take out the trash and mow the lawn.

Does he take out the trash and mow the lawn and fix things?

I recommend that next pay day, you thank him for being a good provider. Whether or not you truly think he is, you are presumably eating and being sheltered - so thank him. Tell him you really appreciate him working every day. Does he like his job? Does he do it because he feels the need to take care of his family? Or because he loves it? Or both?

And if he takes out the trash, then one day when he takes it out - thank him for always doing that. (Hopefully you don't have to ask him to do it.)

And if he fixes something - thank him. Genuinely and graciously.

Sex life is part of the whole situation. If a man doesn't get any - he often feels justified in porn. I'm not saying it is right. And a lot of time the sex life deteriorates because a woman won't tell him he is going too fast or she really won't express herself at all.

I am very direct and I know other people just cannot be. And men usually don't get it if you aren't direct. I recommend saying things like, "I'm willing to have sex if you are willing to listen to me talk about my day when you come home, and then help me get the kids to bed, and then go slow. If you will do those things, then I am willing."

Or whatever your things are. If you are tired, a man may think going faster is what he should do. When slower is probably what he should do.

And then there are the ways to get what you need. I recommend trying all the positive things first. But I have also had success with telling my husband to do his own laundry. Or with agreeing to do his laundry if he would do some dishes. Or in not doing the laundry if he left his dirty clothes in the living room. My second husband was a big baby. And this worked with him for years. We were married for 18 years and had quite the peaceful life for most of those. But I worked too. I could cook stuff I liked that he didn't. He would promise me things hoping I would cheer about what he was GOING to do. I would sit at the computer and tell him I would cheer when he HAD done it. And then he would do it. I wouldn't listen to his plans about what he was going to fix or make or do - because all that talk was just being a show off. (It really was - he sent me to his therapist and she agreed. If he could get praise for something he was going to do - he'd never do it.)

So, complicated, complicated. I do recommend that you don't fuss at him about anything you've already fussed at him about more than twice. And that you compliment him a bunch about what he does do right. And that you look into how you would support yourself and your kids if you were to get divorced.

And that you pray. That you find a place and you sit in that place quietly for ten or more minutes a day. Read a scripture, sing a song, and then just sit and think about God. And follow the peace.

I hope that you will find that he is a good man. And that things have just kinda done the drifting apart and the getting even thing that marriages so often do. And that if you treat him well, that he will treat you better and things can snowball in the right direction instead of in the wrong one.

Hugs and prayer.

[Mackenaw]

Hello DDavis2476

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I'm glad to make your acquaintance and am happy to hear of your decision, 3 years ago, to answer God's call on your life -- a new life in Christ Jesus. Hallelujah!!!

You have received loving encouragement from other members here, and I just wanted to add a few other things, if I may.

I encourage you to continue to seek The Lord with your whole heart, and grow in your relationship with Him before making any drastic changes in the relationships you have with others. The stronger we grow in our relationship with God, the more we will understand His will for our life. God is just so Awesome.

There are lots of beautiful, Spirit inspired studies on this site -- all of which will bless the reader -- because each study is filled with the Words of our Lord through the scriptures. Here is the link to the list of various studies: http://www.christianityoasis.com/Keywor ... tudies.htm

There is a particular study that I suggest you begin with. It is a 14 Day Study, and it has helped many souls, such as yourself, in their walk with Christ Jesus -- helping them grow in their relationship with The Lord by sharing God's Word and giving examples of how to apply the blessed Word to their life. It helped me so very much. The name of that particular study is COOL Confidential Christian Counseling or CCCC (for short). Here is the link to that study: http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

DDavis2476, I am lifting up prayers to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask, as there are many here that will gladly reach out and walk along with you in seeking The Lord.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack