Where to go from here?
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2010 10:06 amI am new to this site and stumbled upon it while looking for Christian counseling. I am struggling with a relationship that has become very toubled. I am a divorced mother of two wonderful little boys. When I first began to date after my divorce I was very mindful not to bring the children into a relationship until I felt that there were long term possibilities. Then I met "the one" He took my kids on and has loved them and been an amazing role model and just all around support system for both of my boys, especially my youngest who was two at the time that we met. I love this man more than I can even put into words. We spent the first year of our relationship in pure happiness, and I believed we would spend the rest of our lives together. What I didn't know at the time was that he has severe comitment phobia. Not just in regards to relationships, but over time, I realized he struggles to make even the simplest decisions. Where to eat lunch, which group of friends to spend time with on the weekend, what shirt to wear to work. I can see him physically tense up when he feels stressed out about making a choice. This of course comes into play when we talk about moving forward in our relationship and has lead to several break ups over the past two years. The more I push for marriage and a family, the greater the struggle becomes, fights erupt, we hurt each other and take another step back. However, if I don't push and I just let things go, we can be happy for months, but the relationship never progresses and eventually I end up frustrated and feeling that I am not important to him. I have BEGGED him to go to counseling. In December I ended our relationship, cut off contact with him and began seeing other people. This was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I did what I felt I had to. A few months later he contacted me and all the emotions I had been seeking for so long came flowing out. He cried because he missed my kids, he begged for forgiveness for hurting me and not being the man I needed and deserved and he even met with my father to apologize and promise that he would never hurt me like that again. At the time he was getting counseling at the church, went on anitanxiety medication and we were seeking counseling together. Although this was one of the happiest times in our relationship, it was short lived. Slowly we fell back into the same pattern and things became worse than ever before. Fights became violent, words became increasingly hurtful and it all came to a head recently and we parted ways and have not spoken in over a week.
The sermon in church last Sunday was about faith. Our pastor discussed the steps one goes through when their faith is being tested and how sometimes you come to a dead end and you have to sit with struggles for a while before you come out on the other side. I believe I am without a doubt sitting in that phase of a dead end. There is nothing more I can do at this point to salvage the relationship, and yet I still love him deeply and see all the potential God has for him and for us as a couple. What I struggle with most at the moment is, understanding if God is telling me that I need to let go of this relationship and heal in order to find what He has in store for me, or is the message that I should not lose faith in this relationship, that I need to believe that God can change the heart of anyone and that all things are possible through Him. I believe that with counseling my boyfriend and I can work through our issues, we love each other very, very much, we just need to find a healthier way to approach things. But at this point he is unwilling to do that. I know that God will work in me regardless of the outcome, but right now I'm just struggling to find direction. I hope that in sharing my story and seeking God's will I will find a light to guide me through this difficult time.
The sermon in church last Sunday was about faith. Our pastor discussed the steps one goes through when their faith is being tested and how sometimes you come to a dead end and you have to sit with struggles for a while before you come out on the other side. I believe I am without a doubt sitting in that phase of a dead end. There is nothing more I can do at this point to salvage the relationship, and yet I still love him deeply and see all the potential God has for him and for us as a couple. What I struggle with most at the moment is, understanding if God is telling me that I need to let go of this relationship and heal in order to find what He has in store for me, or is the message that I should not lose faith in this relationship, that I need to believe that God can change the heart of anyone and that all things are possible through Him. I believe that with counseling my boyfriend and I can work through our issues, we love each other very, very much, we just need to find a healthier way to approach things. But at this point he is unwilling to do that. I know that God will work in me regardless of the outcome, but right now I'm just struggling to find direction. I hope that in sharing my story and seeking God's will I will find a light to guide me through this difficult time.