Mary Quite Contrary

This is my 1st blog I am like the children in the desert with Moses. God is mad at me for being needy and he has constantly met my needs. But I am never satisfied. I open the Word and HE points me to this passage. I have no patience, am irritable. I let Satan get to me over and over. I have little self will. I thought of this as I wrote today I meditated on the word "Guidance" I kept seeing the word "dance" I remember doing God's will is a lot like Dancing. Two people try to lead and it doesn't feel right. Movement doesn't flow with the music and everything is quite jerky and uncomfortable. When one person realizes that and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a gentle nudge in the back, or pressing Lightly one way or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word "Guidance" When I saw it I saw "G" I thought of God Followed by "U" and "I" God - U and I Dance As I lower my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead My prayer for you today is that God's blessing and mercies be upon you this day and every day May you abide in God as God abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and guide you through each season of your life. Now if only I can believe these words life would be so much easier for me. Mary

To say this has been the long week in my life would be an under statement to say the least. It took a week for some money I had been waiting on to get to me. Trusting in the Lord this week was hard. I am needy and he pointed it out to me constantly this week. Instead of comforting me. "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom" Proverbs 11-2 I have been getting stuff like this all week. Reading Job I understand his frustration at not being understood. I am going into a new/old situation and already the pressure is on. I want to get there now but can't. I want to save the day. I hate being so far away. Mary

Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd. That is Relationship I shall not want That is supply HE maketh me to lie down in green pastures That's rest He leadeth me beside still waters That is refreshment HE restoreth my soul That is healing HE leadeth me in the path of righteousness That is guidance For HIS name sake That is purpose Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death That is testing I will fear no evil That is protection For THOU art with me That is faithfulness THY rod and THY staff they comfort me That's discipline THOU preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies That's hope THOU anointest my head with oil that's consecration My cup runneth over That's abundance Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life That's Blessing And I will dwell in the house of the LORD That's security Forever That's eternity Face it the LORD is crazy about you What is most valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO we have in our lives! This was also given to me I had never looked at God's word so intimately, so personally. They were just words before. Mary

GOD, I know that You love me, and I receive that love: I am going to walk in it today. I am going to bask in Your love, because I know that You love me even though I do not deserve it. And God, that makes everything better. Amen I am entering a new faze in my life and am unsure how to approach it. I am scared to be with other people. I like being alone. Independent. To start all over again is a pain. What do I do with all my stuff. How do I get what I need now there. LORD, I receive Your Holy Spirit into my life. Fill me with Your presence, and teach me to clearly hear YOUR voice so that I may follow you all the days of my life. amen. How Will I get along with My brother? Will I work? Here I am, Lord pour it on, I receive the fullness of whatever Your Holy Spirit has to offer. Okay Lord, here. Take up my broken life, gather up my fragments so that nothing will be wasted.. amen

Recently while searching through some archived messages, I found some emails from Mary (Contrary). I shall refer to Mary as Contrary in this letter, because that was the screen name by which most folks knew her, but in my heart she is Mary. My thoughts wandered back to the happy days and nights Contrary and I spent together on line. She could be very outspoken, but then so am I. At times Contrary was in the brooding, down-on-the-world mood. Other times she would crack me up with her wit. She told of the years she, her husband and brother John traveled the United States, part of those trips were via motorcycle.

When she began talking of the impending move from one side of Canada to the other to live with her brother John, Contrary's mood changed. She knew she must make the move, but she was not happy with it. Contrary became resigned to the idea, especially when she was assured her beloved greyhounds would be accompanying her.

Contrary was in Oasis Chat room the last night of her earthly life. Several of us were there as well. I spoke briefly with her; I did not know that would be the last time on this earth our paths would cross. It has haunted me since that night that I did not recognize a call for help from Contrary, if there was one. Guilt is what I feel when I think of that night. Could I have said something to have changed her mind about ending her life?

I would like to suggest that each of you go to the Blogs and read Contrary's blogs, especially the last one she posted on July 18, 2006. Some of her thoughts she voiced there included her acknowledgement of God's love; her desire to remain independent and alone; her entering a new phase of her life; and then she asked the Holy Spirit to fill her life. She ended with these words, "Okay Lord, here. Take up my broken life, gather up my fragments so that nothing will be wasted. Amen." That to me was complete surrender of her life to the Lord. (Should that not be the prayer of each of us?)

In June Contrary posted a blog in which she cited the little story about "Guidance"...how we must become one with God; surrender to His leadership. She had become willing to allow God to lead in her life.

Earlier in the summer Contrary had sent me an email that included a long message (cute) about little boys - peppy music in the background. I thought it poignant that she should share something about little boys. You see, Contrary had a child, a son, from whom she was estranged. Deep down, she loved that child.

Another email she sent was the one about Dr. Billy Graham and the chauffer...you know the one.Dr. Graham asks the chauffer of the limo that was carrying Dr. Graham from the airport to a speaking engagement; could he drive?.....saying his long desire was to drive one of these limos. The chauffer knew who Dr. Graham was and out of respect, he wanted to grant his wish. So the chauffer called his supervisor to get permission, saying someone really important wanted to drive. Citing the company policy allowing only employees to drive, the supervisor, in a sarcastic tone, asked, who is this guy? God? To which the limo driver replied, "Bigger than that....it's Dr. Billy Graham."

Because of her love of God's creatures, especially dogs, Contrary sent me a petition to be forwarded to PETA regarding cruelty to animals. Contrary loved her greyhounds as though they were her children.

This Easter Sunday when we mortals are celebrating the resurrection of Christ our Lord, Contrary is celebrating in HIS presence.

Wow, this is so hard for me to write, but I want to share with everyone my thoughts on Contrary (Mary) whom God blessed me with knowing as a friend through Christianity Oasis. Contrary used to talk about her greyhounds, the shows she took them to, and the time one broke the window of her home while she was out. Contrary loved animals. Contrary didn't like to play Bible Password much, she would always say "I'm not good at that game" and then don't you know she'd be the one to get most of the answers that evening. Contrary and I also were able to chat during some of the darker times in her life. The not so happy moments. Her move was a troublesome one for her. She had a cat that she wasn't going to be able to take with her, because she couldn't afford it. The person she was supposed to move with backed out on her at the last moment, and then when she finally was able to get moved she wasn't happy and told me so. I tried to comfort her during all these times, offer her words of advice and love. When I found out that my dear friend had chosen the path she did with the taking of her own life, I grieved, and I prayed. Wondering if I could have helped her choose differently, if I had been in chat that night. I know, that we all will miss a dear friend, but I still pray that God showed mercy on her soul, and one day we will meet again around his throne. How I miss my sister Mary.

I would like to start this out by sayin that I never really got to know Mary (Contrary) like many of the others here. When this tragedy happened, I myself had only been coming to Christianity Oasis for a brief time. I was a late night chatter and most times she had already gone for the evening when I came into the room. The few times that I got to chat with her when I could come in earlier, she seemed very friendly towards me and had a really good sense of humor. But I will say that last night in chat, I was one of them in the room. I feel shame that I did not hear her cries for help within her typed words. I remember seeing some of her last troubled typed words on screen and those will forever remain in my heart. At that time in the chatroom I was barely speaking to anyone, let alone reaching out to others. But I would like to reach out now to her spirit and say thank you Mary Contrary for helping me to become a better person and a better Christian. The reason being is that since I got the news of her passing, I took a really good look at what happened that night and what sort of different things could have happened that night. I realized that I was so selfish of my own needs and fears that I closed my mind, heart, eyes and ears as to what was goin on around me. I am sure that if I had been more receptive back then to those things, I would have seen and heard what God was tryin to tell me. But, now since this has happened, my whole outlook has changed and I now keep myself open to hear the Lord's voice when He calls out to me. I no longer am afraid to reach out to strangers and offer a hand or a shoulder to one that I feel needs it when I hear or see a cry for help. The Lord has shown me the way to open my heart to His words.

I will forever be grateful for gettin to know Contrary for the brief time that I did, but even more for the lesson that she gave me. She is a true angel that blessed several that got to know her. Even me. Thank you Mary.