Christianity Oasis Forum

[server]

I never thought that I would be doing this, but here I am. I wouldn't be doing this, but I know that anyone who would be reading this are christians and that helps to know.
I found this site a few months ago and found the christian counseling pages. I knew that I should do it, but didn't work up the courage until a couple of weeks ago. I decided to go through the counseling pages so I did start it and got through day 4 and have not gone on. I have been struggling with forgiveness. I have not been able to forgive myself. I know that I should, it is what God commands. It is just that I know EVERYTHING that I have done, even if others don't, especially when I have to live with the results. There is also 1 person I am having a hard time forgiving. What I am having a hard time forgiving is the fact that it happens over and over and over again. God say 7 times 77, in other words no matter how many times they do it. It is just that every time I think I finally have forgiven, it comes back. I am posting this because I think that maybe I might be ready to go on to day 5, but I am still holding back. So I decided to enter what I have written in my journal so far. Here goes:
Day 1: I feel like the biggest loser ever. I've screwed up everything I have ever done. I can't believe it sometimes. I want to do good, say and do the right things, but I guess I don't think first. Everything I think of, everything I've done - I've screwed up. Everyone who has ever known me (even people who don't know me) can't stand me and it's my own fault. It's almost like I sabotage myself. I don't let anyone get too close. I keep EVERYONE a certain distance away. I've not only screwed my life up, but my family's as well - anyone who gets too close. Sooner or later everyone realizes and ends up despising me. I've always been this way and never even realized it. I never realized how selfish and self-centered I am. Years ago someone tried to tell me in a round-about way, but I didn't get it. I wonder if I would have got it if she came out and told me. I will never know. I want to love and be the way God wants me to, something inside me is broken and God only knows if it can be fixed. I'm the fool the bible talks about. I'm very, very uncomfortable in social settings. In fact, I try to avoid them. I always put my foot in my mouth or say or do the wrong thing, or don't say anything when I should. I can't seem to make friends, have always had an extremely hard time. In present and recent past years I've stopped trying. I've just committed myself to being alone. I feel out of control. I just want to be normal. I need to find a full-time job and I'm so scared to meet new people (they'll just not like me, like everyone every where else). I think maybe it is holding me back. I am trying to find work, but I'm not giving 100%. I've been studying medical transcription and just can't seem to get through it. It's taking forever. I don't know why I can't get through it. Am I keeping myself from finishing or what?
Day 2: It said that the second step is to begin surrounding yourself with reminders of your purpose. I have no idea what I am supposed to do! I don't know what my purpose is. I get what they are talking about today. I know the way I think about myself is from satan. The problem is I believe it, especially since I haven't been able to do anything right, anything God would approve of. So, what is my purpose? To live for God, as his child. How do I do this? I've failed EVERY time I've tried. So what am I supposed to surround myself with?
Day 3: Forgiving myself is something I haven't been able to do. One thing I have seen over and over and over is that people NEVER forget the bad. It's hard to forgive yourself when other people, in one way or another, never let you forget. I don't know if I can change, it's what I know and am comfortable with. How can I forget when nobody else does. I can forgive other people, just not myself.
Day 4: There is one person I have a hard time forging because it keeps happening over and over and over. When it continues happening, it is hard to forget, but I will try as many times as it takes. I will try this with myself as well.

Well, there it is. I never though in a million years that I would actually post what I have written, but I feel that I am supposed to. It has been a couple of weeks since I have written those feeling down and I am feeling better. The Lord is starting to work-it can't be from just me. I am not thinking quite so bad about myself anymore (I hope it keeps improving). I think I might even be able to forgive myself and that other person. I am scared to death that I will let this slide and I don't want that. I want my life changed and I want those around me to see it and know it was from God.

[Dora]

Hi sister! Nice to meet you!

Keep praying and seeking Him. He will make the way.

One thing I did that helped a lot was I wrote a "Things I do that I don't want to do" list.

Just as Paul writes how he does what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do what he wants to do.

It was freeing to me to write everything out because I didn't have to try to hide it from God anymore. And I could look at them and know His grace is sufficient to cover all of them.

Hope this helps.

Take care and God bless.
May you feel His peace and joy in abundance.

[mlg]

Hi server, welcome to Christianity Oasis. We have all had our goods and bads in life just as you. But the reason we are now here and able to reach out to you in your time of need is because we have overcome the hardships through Jesus. I want you to know that Jesus is there and willing to help you through yours.

Forgiveness is tough...it really was for me especially because I had been hurt so deeply so many times. But, I've found with forgiveness comes the peace you seek...and when you forgive your own heart is at rest.

Praying for you. May God bless you.

Take care

[Dora]

Thinking about you. Wondering how you are doing. Hope to see you again soon.