Christianity Oasis Forum

[rebellious]

Throughout my life I constantly questioned God, His existence, my existence, and why things happened the way they did. I couldn't understand why He allowed things to happen to me.

As a kid I was molested by my step father. Each night he'd come to visit me, but at the time I didn't totally understand what was happening. As I got older I felt that it was normal. My mom, as most parents, warn their children about strangers, teachers, and everyday people trying to do things to you that they shouldn't. She never mentioned my father so I felt that this was supposed to happen.

When I was 8 my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother. We moved to a bigger house and instead of my room being far from my parents, it was across the hall. This put an end to everything physically. Mentally I was still abused and didn't know it.

I had this twisted idea that sex meant love, so around 13 I was active. I didn't think that there was anything wrong and had no idea it was a sin. As I continued on this path I began to feel sick about what was happening. I felt as though I couldn't control it. Then for the first real time I prayed to God, asking that it would all end. And it did, but i quickly forgot I asked God for His help and felt that I was the reason I stopped.

By this time my mom had divorced my step father because he had grown abusive. She was now into women and I thought nothing of it. We moved from Arkansas to California with one of her girlfriends.

At 14 I began my freshman year in high school. I hated it. Went from a straight A' student to failing just about every class. I was confused, and for the first time I felt that what happened to me as a child was wrong. I thought I was gay and was deeply depressed.

For the next two years I felt lost. I entered a very dark place in my life. Depressed and angry I began to began to cut myself, hate everything about everyone, and sink deeper into my flesh. I hid how I felt. Hid that I had a girlfriend, and painted a fake smile on my face each morning though I cried inside.

My grandparents were very active in the church and took my brothers and I from time to time with them. I was somewhat drawn to what was happening, but felt it was all a show. I knew these people did outside the church, how they sinned. It felt fake to me.

15, I was forced to join the choir. I grew up singing so it was a chance to get back into what I loved when i was younger. As I learned the songs I began to really take in what the words were saying. I started to believe it. On my 16th birthday I felt God for the first time. It was during the churches youth congress and a pastor came over and prayed for me. I was afraid of what was happening.
That year I became suicidal. The cuts became deeper. I started to take more and more pills, hoping that one day I wouldn't wake up the next morning; and each time I did i sank deeper into the depression. I lost track of the number of time I tried to kill myself. I couldn't go to my mom, she had no idea anything I was dealing with was going on.

At 17 I met people who could see straight through my act. They were dedicated to getting me saved and changed. I was off and on believing in God. I knew I wasn't gay now. I knew I wasn't supposed to die, but I was so used to being down that I didn't know how to be happy. I tried once again to kill myself. i locked myself in my room, took a hand full of pills and cut deep enough to kill anyone. Laid down and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning. This threw me off, but I realized that there was a reason for me being here. 18, now I'm saved. Little faith, but I'm trying. I had a lot of help getting over my depression. God sent people that knew exactly what I was dealing with and I could reach them at any time. I was happy. I still had a lot of issues, but I felt as though I had a purpose.

Here I am now. 19. Three weeks ago God broke me down. I
surrendered totally to Him. I let go of my past, my troubles, my pain, and I let Him work in me. He has opened so many doors for me, and is still blessing me now.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Rebellious

Thank you for sharing your testimony to the goodness of Almighty God. He loves you so very much. Wooooohoooooo!!!

Hallelujah!!! Thank You Jesus!!!

I am so happy for you. You continue in my prayers to our Lord. God's blessed will be done.

Thank You Lord.

God bless and keep you, Rebellious.
Love and hugs,
Sister Mack

[morningrain]

Hi Rebellious, your story was touching. Can relate to some of the same stuff you've shared. God has brought you a long ways, and His Spirit will continue leading you.

God Bless you dearly rebellious.
angel

[jamisfaithnjoy]

It was good chatting with you tonight:)I wish you the absolute best as you travel through the Christian journey.As you know,it's no bed of roses but it's so very much worth it I don't have to preach that to you though.Keep opening up,creating your testimony and talking to me while you're working BUT..i don't think you'll ever get paid for it(chatroom convo)rofl..God bless you and til next time,Peace and love