Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

I've never actually given a testimony before. I've always been at a loss when trying to think of what mine would be. But the more I get to know the Lord, He's given me understanding. So I'm gonna take a whack at it
All my life I've known the Lord but never truly served Him. I always called myself a christian but most of the time I wasn't acting like one. I've spent so much time going back and forth. Doing certain things over and over. Asking forgiveness, then living right for a while. Then I'd go back. I've been in and out of church since I can remember going to church. I still struggle with things like this now, and maybe I always will. But through it all, I've noticed one amazing thing. God NEVER gave up on me. Every step of the way, even when I'd be running with the devil; I could always look up and see Jesus. He's made it a point to always let me know, especially in the darkest times and places that He's still there. He'll keep holding my hand and lifting me up.
I've had a lot of issues with myself, my emotions, my mind. Slowly but surely I'm working through them. The past couple years have been amazing because I've learned so much about myself and about God. I've learned that prayer really isn't hard. He's taught me how to fight the enemy. He's taught me to have joy. Joy is something fairly new to me. Because looking back I never had joy in the Lord. I was always so angry and confused and depressed. Sometimes I still am but not like before.
The biggest thing I've learned is how to talk to God. I have a wonderful personal relationship with my Lord and that is the best feeling. I talk to Him like I would to anyone else. And He talks to me that way to, which surprised me at first. I love the way He loves me.
I've come a long way but I know I still have a long hard road ahead to get to the person He wants me to be. But, I know I will get there. I'm not giving up and I'm not letting go. I may in times of weakness, but I reach right back up and grab His hand. Whenever I fall or slip up; I tell the enemy that he may have won that little battle, but I'm gonna win the war. Cause I'm on the victorious side of Christ. No matter what, I'm gonna pull through. I know too much of how good it can be to give it up.
'Thank you Father for lifting me out of my despair and loneliness. For comforting me and letting me hear your voice. Thank you for the people you have put in my path to help direct me to you. Thank you for your AMAZING GRACE. You are my Father, my Friend, my Redeemer, my constant Help, Strength, Understanding, and Protection. I love you with all that is withing me.'
Well, I thought I was gonna stop there but I guess the Lord wants me to share more of myself. Which I am scared to do because the things that are coming to mind right now are things that I've never really shared with anyone. Maybe that's why He wants me to go on, because I need to get it out and fully let it go. Wow, until this very moment I thought I had let these things go. But God just made me realize that the fact that I haven't shared these things means that I haven't let them go. I still hold on to them as my little secrets.
Ok, so anyway... When I was a child, I was sexually molested by a cousin, a neighbor, and my.... this is hard. My older brother (who passed away in '00'). The cousin my family knows about but the others no one ever has. These all happened when I was very young. And they each seemed to happen close together. So then, I actually thought it was normal. I didn't understand that it was wrong. Ok, I don't want to elaborate any more on that.

The next thing that I never told anyone was that for a while I was addicted to pornography, via the 'much too easy' internet. I probly started at about 16 and it continued until...well I thought I was done when I rid myself of it at 17, almost 18. But I've had just a couple slip ups. Now, I found this site on the night of my 17th birthday. So even as I was on here proclaiming to be a christian, I was dealing with this stuff. So I apologize for that, for not telling the truth when I would talk to people about what was going on with me. I feel that because of my molestations and other things, that I started in with pornography. Because growing up, I always struggled with impure thoughts and things. And even now I struggle with it here and there. But I now know how to fight. God has taught me so much. God is so good to break these wicked addictions. Man it's so weird for me to be writing this stuff, knowing that when I'm finished other people are going to read it and find out all my little secrets. But it is very healing.

I also went through a number of years being a horrible thief. I stole from my grandmother! and other family. I stole from stores quite a bit. I stole from fiends. I never told anyone about it besides a couple people that I stole with. And by the grace of God, I was never caught. I amazingly don't have a record of any kind. Wasn't until my later teens that I stopped. I knew I had to. God had protected me for long enough. Either I quit and change my ways or He would make me quit by letting someone catch me. It's just really amazing to me that no one knew.

Another thing I never told anyone was that a few times as a young teen, I considered suicide. Kinda a lot actually. But only a couple times did I attempt anything. I tried cutting myself, but thank God I didn't have the courage to do any real damage. Since I was a kid, I had a demon of anger on me. Ask anyone in my family they'll tell you. I was always making mean, mad faces. Throwing fits. Some might think this is normal for some children. But really, this wasn't normal. It was over the top and all the time. All my life I was angry. My family didn't understand it and so didn't understand me. We were always a christian family but back then we weren't as spiritually connected. I always had a bad attitude. The thing is, I didn't understand either. At all. I would get so angry and go off on the people I loved and I had no idea why. God I hurt them so much. This is one of the main causes for my depression. I couldn't figure myself out. Because I hurt people around me so much, I pushed them away even more. Thinking then I couldn't hurt them. I isolated myself. I tried to ignore it all and pretend it wasn't there. Or that it wasn't that bad. I came up with the solution that this was just how I was and I would always be this way. I just accepted it. My mom tried once to put me in counseling. One night (15 or 16 yrs old) I went crazy, ranting and raving. That was the last straw for my mom, she didn't know what else to do. So she admitted me to a place called Oaklawn. A place to get help for people like me. I stayed there for a week and it actually helped me. They put me on prozac, I only took it for a month. Well it wasn't until I was 18 (I'll be 20 in two months) that I finally made a huge break through. I was sitting in my room early in the morning watching different preachers on tv. It seemed that every one of them was talking about anger and demons and the power we have through Jesus Christ to get rid of these things in us. So, I started to pray. I prayed and pleaded for God to give me understanding and strength. I took control over my demon at that moment and commanded it to leave me. I claimed victory that it would be gone from me... finally. And when I finished praying and crying, I felt such a peace. Not just in the room, not even just washing over me; but inside of me. I was finally free! Oasis and the people here had a lot to do with this. I got on here at 17, and was on here for a few months before this happened. I was overjoyed and so thankful. From then till now, I've still struggled. That anger demon still tries to get me back but I now know how to fight. I'm getting better all the time. Praise the Lord!
Ok. wow. Writing this was very difficult. I've kept these things to myself, bottled inside, for a long time. I've wanted to tell people before but I just couldn't. I was ashamed and was terrified of what they would think of me after knowing all this. But keeping it all in was only hurting me and holding me back. Now I realize why I've always had such a hard time forgiving myself. Even recently. I didn't want to do this but as I did it got easier. I feel the burdens now lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord Jesus! You are so good to me. I feel light and clear. I love how he Loves me Now all those dark rooms I kept secret have a ray of light shining in. Praise Jesus! I'm free.
Thank You all

[lizzie]

little sister, it took great courage to share all those things about yourself. Please know that we here see you for who u truly are, we see your soul and will not judge you as we are all sinners saved by Grace.

You have been thru a lot in your young life, but sister, the YOU that is here now is a living breathing testimony that one's past does not define them and that we truly serve a loving and merciful God who never abandons us but keeps nudging and waiting till we stop trying to do it ourselves and turn to Him instead.

God will use your experiences, even the horrible ones, to bring glory to His name.

Hold your head up high little sister, for you are a daughter of the Most High God. Go out there and let your light shine.

Blessed to have you here and I thank you so very much for sharing your story with us. It has blessed me greatly.

GBU lil one

[Guest]

Thank you lizzie