Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

This HAS NOT BEEN A GOOD WEEK! I am soo incredibly depressed! Gave my pastor a 3 letters last Sunday with instructions of what I wanted him to do with the other two letters I wrote to my kids. Went and got a prescript filled so I would have plenty enough to end it all. I prayed with all my heart that God would not allow my pastor to do something to stop me. Obviously God did not answer that prayer, or I would not be sitting here right now. Friday he sent the cops out to my house and then I was forced to take a free ambulance ride to the hospital where I lied about everything to them and they were actually dumb enough to believe me. Obviously they did not talk to the cops, because they knew nothing about the letters. I could not believe that they were actually letting me have my cell phone the whole time. During the ambulance ride, I sent my pastor all kinds of texts that I NEVER should have sent!! Cursed the heck out of him and told him I hated him for this among other things! I didn't want to go to church yesterday, but figured that if I didn't they would be sending the cops out to my house again, so I went. I was still quite livid with my pastor for calling the cops on me and when he came over to shake my hand, I just turned away from him! Amazingly enough, he told me that he was really glad that I was there. I just wanted to turn around and say, "why? I don't even like you!" But I managed to hold my tongue. As we were getting ready to leave the church, he told me to take care of myself and then said not to clean the church. That was really hurtful. I feel so useless and worthless and cleaning the church every week at least gives me some purpose for living. Well, last night I found out from our worship leader's wife and good friend, that his son had his phone when I sent those text messages! While I feel INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE about sending those text messages, I am still sooo very angry with him! SO ANGRY! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be here still dealing with this same old garbage! It makes me so angry that he stopped me. I told him not to, to just leave me alone, and he just HAD to interfere! I had considered ending things today, I am not going to lie. My mom is watching my youngest one and my oldest is at school. Mom thinks I am at the church cleaning. Didn't wanna tell her that my pastor don't want me to clean no more! I am just SOOO tired of all of it! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am right now, because the person who cussed out my pastor and treated him so bad at church on Sunday is DEFINATELY NOT ME! The person screaming at my kids Friday morning...NOT ME!
Sent my pastor a text and told him I was really sorry for the stuff I said and he said he forgave me, but I at least wish he would have yelled at me for it or something, at least been mad at me. That makes me feel worse!
Well, that's it I guess. Not sure when I will get a chance to get on here again, but thanks for praying for me. I know you will
CM

There are so many things to say. And it is so hard to say them without risking causing you more pain. I hope that other people who have seen your post have been PMing you. And that you are finding some solace there.

It sounds as though you wrote your minister 5 letters and that you also had his cell phone number and had gone to him for financial help in the past and clean the church (do they pay you for that?), but that somehow you don't quite feel like you can totally open up to him?

Where I live, if a woman is pregnant, she can go to a privately owned charity and the charity will walk her through the maze of help available. We also have a chapter of a charity called "Family Promise". http://www.familypromise.org/ I think that you need someone to help you to navigate help and get back on the right track. Neither of these organizations would be quite right for you - but if you call them, maybe they can help to guide you.

Children never get over a parent committing suicide. Never. It haunts them all their lives. They can get over poverty and being homeless - but not a parent's suicide. No matter what your pain, you need to remember that. You need to be an advocate for your son. And even homeless, there are ways of gaining help. Please do look at Family Promise. If you should lose your home, it would be an option for you.

I am so sorry for your pain. Your situation is so trying. I have great sympathy for you. And I am praying for you. Sometimes one wonders what IS God thinking. But, generally, in my own life, I find that the rough times are the times when I have learned the most. Sometimes it hurts so much, but afterwards I realized I have learned in years what I might not have learned in decades.

I know you are angry at your minister - but it sounds to me that he did all the right things in the most loving way possible - that's what I am getting from what you wrote. I have no other source of information. Maybe you should talk to him? Ask him to hook you up with help? With agency help? That could help you with the rent, the food, a job. And tell him how much it blesses you to clean the church.

God bless you.

Hi Caleb's Mom....My heart goes out to you and your children. You know God needs you here still CM, it's because God needs you to raise those children, and love them...He has a purpose for you. Yep you have a lot on your plate right now...but know this...God has answers to all your problems...you have to trust Him. Right now you keep looking at all the problems, one by one...but what you need to do is look through the problems, and see God working. He began His work, by having that pastor stop you from making a mistake that would never have been able to have been reversed. Your children would have been tossed up in the air.....and their life would have been a lot more burdensome than it is now. I can assure you that taking your life into your own hands is not the answer. God has given you that life..and it is His...not yours my friend.

My prayers are with you....Keep on pushing through hun...there are better days ahead. You have to believe that.

Take care and God Bless

Hello Calebsmom (((((hugs)))))

My dear, I for one, am glad that the pastor called the authorities, because it was not your time to leave this earth realm. That is God's decision, so leave it in His hands.

Calebsmom, there is no shame in needing help, and therefore, no shame in confessing it. The enemy of our soul can be so convincing, but remember, he is a liar, and seeks only to steal, kill and destroy. Allow the pastor and others to help you.

I am lifting you up in prayers to our Lord. I pray The Comforter rain down His blessed peace upon you. May God's blessed will be done, and may you know how much He loves you, Calebsmom.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

Dearest CM,
I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for not posting to you when I read this the other day, I actually came back to this a couple times I think for two reasons, first and foremost I think God was pulling me here but also because of your words being close to my heart.
You see when I destroyed my marriage and lost everything from my family on down I left my home and was heading to the bar (I had given up drinking years ago through our God) but I was at my witts end and all I could think was drink it away...I had NEVER wanted a drink from the day He took it from me, there is NO doubt I would have destroyed what little life I have left if I had continued but as I passed my church something pulled me to turn in....I didn't go to the bar then or at all but as I spent the next 3-4 days (of cold January 20s-30s temps) in my van in that parking lot....I thought it was my stubborness not wanting to go some where like my families homes but I think it was also because God knew I needed to be there, you see I was contiplating suicide as well but I think God had me there close to Him and alone from all others for a reason, I could drive the van off a bridge into the cold water...I would surely die.....or I at one point had the bottle of pills (deadly mix I'm sure) in hand with the cap OFF......what stopped me??
You know as well as I it was not the Pastor that stopped you just like I couldn't figure what was stopping me, it was God because as the others said here it was NOT your time and God was not going to allow either of us to make that mistake that could not be reversed, as the others here have said think as I did (and I know who put those thoughts in my head) what would happen with my kids....yeah I tried to say in my mind that they would be alright and be better off without me....newsflash THAT'S NOT MY CHOICE!! I knew really it would break thier hearts and would NEVER be alright if I took my life, they would blame themselves and or everyone else including their mom....I couldn't do that.
BUT the most important part of my realizing was yeah I had sat there in that lot for 3-4 DAYS SCREAMING at God to take me but He didn't.....why because it wasn't time and for me to try to make that choice for Him is the greatest sin and most rude way of slapping God right in the face.
So now even though I have lost my wife and all of the other things in my life and my kids are slowly pulling away and doing things we as a couple would have NEVER accepted and now the loan company is coming after me wanting to sue me for the home she lost that she already filed bankruptcy on and I am SOOOOO tired of all this and being alone......I'm not going until God says it's time, I won't give the devil that satisfaction and I ask you to do the same, there is nothing satan can through at me now that will change how I feel, yes I get deppressed and discouraged but I still have God....and you do as well, He will NEVER EVER give up on you so please don't give up on Him
I pray He will open doors for you and your children and give you the much needed rest from all this suffering because He is a forgiving God that is full of mercy and grace
God does love you and so do we

I understand what you are going through Please remember Father is with you. I will pray for you and your children to get though this time Talk to your church ask for prayer and ask for help remeber I understand what you are going though I'm going through it right now. I can't find dad right now. the only way I can feel him is to and and ask for and and some more if you don't do this for you do this for your children. Death is perment please don't do anything to hurt your children and family FATHER IS WITH YOU please PM me if you need to talk.

4HIM