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For years I've struggled with denial about my dysfunctional family. I was so angry & said what most innocent children say, "I'm not going to be like my parents". After years of fighting trauma symptoms of my father beating my mother until the divorce, mom using drugs & alcohol, my emotional neglect & abuse, & unhealthy relationship with my daughter, I ended up going to see a therapist who said I was moderately depressed with co-dependent behaviors. This is when my healing began except this healing journey has been a VERY painful one.
Although I may have summed it up lightly, it has been far from easy. I get childhood reactions of fearing intimacy because I lost trust. I'm getting support, praying, reading, etc but these things bring up MORE awareness and with more awareness brings opportunity to change (not comfortable). It's one of trial & error & it is SO scary to release the false self I've been up until now. Among other teachings, a new concept of the Adult, Parent, & Child has helped me distinguish between my wounded child, critical parent, and current adult. Sometimes I forget that "triggers" from the past are my wounded child reminding me that I, the adult, can comfort, reassure, and promise that there is a better present right now, therefore a brighter future. I don't know where I would be without God's grace to pull through.
Gingie

Hi Gingie,

God's grace is sufficient isn't it? It's good to see you are working through the past, and that you are on a journey of healing. I think the first step in healing is to take the step in actually reaching out for help. You have done that with God as your support. Keep pushing forward.

Prayers for you.

Take care

Hi Mlg,
Your support and prayers means so much to me. And the fact that I am reaching out is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Recently, I found myself becoming very self-sufficient again, trying to 'fix' my problems on my own only to return frustration and discouragement. This happened when I received awareness to start applying new communication skills and assertiveness while refraining from childhood reactions. I was on my way to character change and ready to work for healing! However, I would fall short in attempt to make these changes that are outward and behavioral. I was operating in contempt which is why I felt like a failure. But here's the catch: I lost sight on God's part. I was distracted by the problem and left Him out. Now I believe more than ever that He's the one who does the work from within and my part is to give God room for His grace and love everyday.
I pray a new year of abundance of God's glory through you!
Blessings,
Gingie

The sacrifice of Jesus is the ultimate solution. No matter whether or not anything was our fault - Christ died for our sins.

In most cases our reactions to abuse are much like the reactions of others. Particularly childhood abuse. A child is not responsible for her own abuse. And her reactions tend to be pretty typical.

But Christ died for our sins. We are free. So no matter what, no matter how guilty we were, we are free.

This should silence the endless arguing about, "But I shouldn't have...." Because it doesn't matter.

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice to silence those voices and make us truly free.

Rejoice in the Lord.

Thank God for the cross! When I gave my life to Christ almost 7 years ago, my first hope was to be done away with ALL guilt, fears, anger, hatred, etc. At the time, I didn't know why or how I've become this way. Now I understand the process it takes in order to really heal from years and years of dysfunction. God revealed to me the peeling of an onion resembling the layers that cover the core - the true self. With each layer comes tears, even for someone like me who NEVER cried as a child. Now my spirit is crying out to God in transformation of my character.
Just this year has been the biggest change for me in removing the defensive self -- layers of the past. I am now able to ask for what I need; something I didn't do before because I made my needs unimportant. I am setting boundaries - this is still challenging as I need to believe I am worth having them. And I do feel more confident especially in everyday communication.
I pray that I can love myself through this process . One big hurdle I'm facing now is to change negative self-talk within as an adult in order to be lifted and not belittled as when I was a child. Of course I need God's supernatural grace and love to do this. I must not forget that.
Happy New Year. I declare favor, prosperity, health, and rest in Jesus all the days of your life!
Gingie

Gingie.....oh the negative self-talk...how we often subject ourselves to that....and it's one of the weapons Satan likes to use against us most....we are often our own worst critic....and we will take things that have been said to us in the past by others, and turn it and twist it to make it 10 times as bad on ourselves. What we really have to do in fighting against this spiritual battle is know that the TRUTH is we are wonderfully made by God....and God made us just as He would have us....and no matter what man thinks.....or even what our mind might thing when it's being shrouded by weeds.....we are beautiful.....we are God's creation.....we are loved.....we are blessed....we are someone special.....You keep fighting the good fight Gingie....you are a blessing to us here already....thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Take care

I am grateful to give back through my sharing . There was a time in my life when I couldn't write at all. It's miraculous to see what He has done & to be part of this community. So many people God has placed in my life to be a blessing to me.. like ones on these pages! Thank you.
Today, I completed stepping stone # 8. I felt like a hammer hit my mind breaking old patterns & inserting the TRUTH. I love what Paul said in Romans 7:15-25 (somewhat paraphrase) I do the things I do not want..and not the things I do want. That's exactly how it's been for me lately! I'm trying SO hard to change my behaviors, afraid to be seen or heard as inadequate, somehow becoming what I believe is acceptable externally for the world to see. I fear showing hatred, which seems to be the theme playing behind this theatrical stage of relating. And Paul continues: I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord . All of this comes to more TRUTH uncovered in Romans 8:5, a fleshly mind obeys the things of the flesh but they AFTER the things of the Spirit obey the things of the Holy Spirit. That explains it. I have not ruled over my thoughts & instead have forced an outward appearance causing rules then hatred . No wonder I've been feeling far from love for myself & others, even God.
Father, forgive me for allowing deceitful thoughts. I repent today. I make a decision to go AFTER the Spirit, controlling my thoughts & renewing my mind as you have called me to do. And I accept Your grace through the process. In Jesus' name.
I do not want to be carnal minded anymore. It has caused me the oppression I've lugged around for too long. It's time to love the way God does!
Gingie

Woot woot! "Time to love the way God does!" You said it sister...now apply it and live it and you will know the meaning of real love!

Take care

I'm experiencing what it's like to love my little one. For so long I've left her out, just like she was left out as unimportant and silenced years ago. I forgive myself for unknowingly doing what was taught to her. Today, I thank you God for showing me how I've manifested self-harm while making all else more important. I need to acknowledge her from this day forward in order to create the life I've so desperately wanted her to have. I let go of the belief if I could only change my family, feelings, actions, clothes, hair, job, him, her, this, that, etc., I could live this life that seems to be effortless to others except me. I do not want to "just survive" anymore. I felt her love today. Oh how faithful she has been just like a child that waits patiently, understanding and forgiving. I saw her face, beautiful and pure, and watched her run to her Father excited; she has come home to His Heart. I hear her desires are to be heard, valued, loved, encouraged, and play freely. How precious this gift to be loved, love our Father, His daughter, & new family. I can say out loud without fear of what it sounds like: I am the one who Jesus loves!

God has called me & I choose to go forth! I remember almost 2 years ago when He sent an obedient Christian to speak TRUTH and a word of knowledge over my life. That is our God who never abandons John 14:18. It has marked my life forever. To know He cares so much reaching down His mighty hand to me Isaiah 41:10. Since then, there has been a battle for my soul. From being led to rediscover who I say I am -- inner being -- to what I choose to show the world. Now I see the transformation from the Scripture that jumped off the pages of my Bible and into my heart four years ago Romans 12:2.
Yes it has been a journey, and a well worth one. Although, it did not always feel that way. I believe there were truths that needed to be revealed in order for me have breakthrough. I declare this is the year of completion! Besides many others, one truth that became my so clear was about our adversary. I was giving the enemy what he wanted: anger, bitterness, blame game, fear, and doubt. Wanting me to bless God when things are good and turning my back when not so good. Satan was desperate for me to curse God and die Job 2:9. I've refuse to believe the devil's lie of being like him overstepping God's perfect plan and timing for me. Satan's fall was because he wanted to be more than God purposed.
I submit to the Lord Jesus Christ who gave Himself to gain me. And Lord, I commit myself to Your perfect will today. I will be your daughter and You my Father all the days of my life. Let your will be done.
The victory is here! Hallelujah
Praise You Jesus.
Gingie

And I smile...Amen Sister Amen.

*hugs*

In the last few weeks, I have been more assertive than I've ever been. Since my last posts months ago, so many great changes took place.. all glory to God! I am not as fearful, not seeking outside approval, nor am I reacting passively (I'll explain how proactive passive works below). All these negative characteristics kept me in a vicious cycle of helplessness. But through God's help, I no longer feel weak or in a state of dysfunction. I fought the good fight of faith! It was the biggest battle I've ever been through and mostly was good work of fasting, praying, believing, writing, reading the Word and other material helped tremendously. One of many breakthrough moments took me out of the silent person I was to the devil's deceptions of my past and slowly and softly (at first), I started declaring the Word over my life. A book called Prayers that rout demons & break curses by John Eckhardt sums up a lot of scripture for healing inner/outer conflict. Now commanding all evil things out of my soul and life has become part of me and so I immediately speak the Word against any area of my life that I see goes against the Word of God. I also do this for others in my family as I watch and pray for them too Matthew 26:41. God has given every Christian authority over Satan and his demonic forces. I started to see myself bigger than the kingdom of darkness. I had no idea that I could do this! I can use God's power to declare my victory. That was the beginning of my taking charge of the life God gave me, my own, then was able to pray for others.

Because of the abusive environment I lived in as a child, I was unable to express ANY feelings, needs, or wants for the sake of keeping peace. My household was so chaotic that I did not want "more' chaos by bringing in my desires which led me to live a very passive style life. Over the years it worked just fine except when I realized I lacked boundaries and realized I've felt victimized because I allowed the unacceptable in many situations. Once I wanted to express myself, I still held back because if I did I would explode. God led me to read Speaking the Truth in love by Ruth Koch and Kenneth Haugk. This book freed me to be assertive, not passive or aggressive; it's not easy choosing the middle ground assertion because I needed to learn what my feelings were (since suppressed for so long) and how to manage my words to express them. Interestingly, the book discusses on Jesus' assertion and how choosing passive or aggressive style is okay as long as it is chosen. Ahh, that makes so much sense because being passive or aggressive from reactive state is not the same as proactive state (choosing to be).
With the help of the Holy Spirit, I have asserted myself with a rebelling and angry daughter and with a needy codependent husband. It was not easy in fact I got physically sick fever and all but I feel much better than ever -- not trying to scare anyone out of being assertive! I had school work and maybe minor cold that added to it!
Next post I will describe in details how and what I am saying when asserting myself.
God bless you with all love
Gingie