Death of the Abuser
Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 3:55 pmMy mom / abuser is in final stages of dementia. I'm not feeling that sad over it and not going to be too hurt when she passes. Her grandchildren won't be too bothered eith cause she's the grasndma that showed up one or two Christmases for dinner and they never went to her house cause that grandma didn't want them there. My mom hated kids. So when she dies it'll be sad that she died but not too painful.
I wrote to someone that counsels people about this and asked if it was normal. Most people are just heart broken when Mom dies. So we feel bad that we don't feel like other people when their Mom dies. Well this is what she told me.
Laurie I will give you the counsel my pastor in Wisconsin gave to me concerning my mother. It gave me great understanding and helped me to stop thinking because I am a Christian I should be able to manufacture a relationship with her.
He told me my mother had planted a garden when I was born as every parent does. A parent will plant roses and nurture the young plants, fertilize with love and discipline/guidance, prune where necessary, water and see that garden come to full bloom.
However, my mother, and yours, planted not a rose garden but a garden of thistles. Now, thistles have beautiful blooms but they are horrible plants with sharp thorns and need to be weeded.
He went on to tell me that in old age my mother wanted a rose garden relationship with me something she never planted, nurtured, pruned, watered, cared for and that it was impossible for me to be a beautiful rose plant. I could try all I wanted, which I did and it made me ill, but it couldn't happen because she would never do her part.
I felt nothing when my mother died because she had planted nothing to cause me to weep. I was not happy, I felt about her death like I felt about any unsaved person's death. There was also a sense of relief, which at first I felt guilty about until my present pastor talked to me and told me that it was okay and normal. And I had a feeling of sadness over the fact that our relationship could never be made right. Most survivors of abuse hold out a ray of hope that one day their parent will love them, appreciate them, want a good relationship with them. When they die that hope is gone and hope deferred makes the heart a little sick sad.
I wrote to someone that counsels people about this and asked if it was normal. Most people are just heart broken when Mom dies. So we feel bad that we don't feel like other people when their Mom dies. Well this is what she told me.
Laurie I will give you the counsel my pastor in Wisconsin gave to me concerning my mother. It gave me great understanding and helped me to stop thinking because I am a Christian I should be able to manufacture a relationship with her.
He told me my mother had planted a garden when I was born as every parent does. A parent will plant roses and nurture the young plants, fertilize with love and discipline/guidance, prune where necessary, water and see that garden come to full bloom.
However, my mother, and yours, planted not a rose garden but a garden of thistles. Now, thistles have beautiful blooms but they are horrible plants with sharp thorns and need to be weeded.
He went on to tell me that in old age my mother wanted a rose garden relationship with me something she never planted, nurtured, pruned, watered, cared for and that it was impossible for me to be a beautiful rose plant. I could try all I wanted, which I did and it made me ill, but it couldn't happen because she would never do her part.
I felt nothing when my mother died because she had planted nothing to cause me to weep. I was not happy, I felt about her death like I felt about any unsaved person's death. There was also a sense of relief, which at first I felt guilty about until my present pastor talked to me and told me that it was okay and normal. And I had a feeling of sadness over the fact that our relationship could never be made right. Most survivors of abuse hold out a ray of hope that one day their parent will love them, appreciate them, want a good relationship with them. When they die that hope is gone and hope deferred makes the heart a little sick sad.
