Christianity Oasis Forum

[seaofnocares]

Hello everyone. I wasn't sure exactly where I should post this particular thread, but I think I am in the proper area. I'm really unsure of where to start. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. I've been in a relationship with a guy for, I would say almost 9 years now (I'm 33 he's 35). It's been off and on, but more on than off. However, our relationship has never been a healthy one. My first mistake was probably becoming involved with an unbeliever, I do realize that. But, to make a long story short.....I've been living under abuse from him for many years in one form or another. A few years back, it was physical and the police and courts were involved. He hasn't laid a hand on me since, but the verbal abuse somehow seems even worse. We've broken up....he'd make promises to change...I'd go back with him. Same old cycle every time. And here I am again, facing the same thing. Over the summer I had parted from him for short time and came back because he promised he would get the help he needed. He said that he'd been having 'problems' since he was a boy. I'm not sure the extent of it....but he has conversations in his head....he blames me for everything, even when there is no way things could be my fault or anyone elses, he becomes so angry and violent........all these, among other things.

What makes things even worse, is he has his family believing that I am the horrible and evil one. He leaves out the things he does to me and makes things up it's place. For example, the last time we parted was because he kept telling my daughter (11 years old from when I was married previously) that she needed to get out and go live with her father cause he didn't want to see her, be around her, or deal with her anymore. You just don't say that to a child! I had enough, so I felt I needed to protect my daughter and my son (son is a child we share....4 years old) which is why we left. Anyway, when this happened...he never told his family the real reason why. He told them that he and my daughter butt heads all the time and 'I' felt that to resolve the problem, I needed to leave. No one knows what he really said to my daughter, so I am hated by his family for things he says...and leaves out. Also, previous to that, when he had been physical with me years ago...his mother came to stay with me while he was taken to the police station and she told me that her son has never acted this way, and the only thing she can figure is I brought it upon myself. She blamed me for him abusing me. It's been downhill with his family ever since. I've never said, or done anything to any of them...but I've been treated badly by them all.

Anyway, last year until about November he'd been seeing a therapist and I had been going with him. I thought some progress was being made. He was being open, he was finally admitting his faults for the first time. He's had an addiction to marijuana for years and that's also been a huge problem with us as well. But he felt the therapist focused only on that, which isn't true at all. He has refused to go back there. This morning I tried to talk to him about getting help another way maybe if there are other ways and he just basically refused. He said that no matter what choice he makes, it's a bad one....if he doesn't get help, he knows I will end up leaving with my kids, and if he does get help it's not going to be very 'fun'. I'm really not sure why he said that, because I think everyone that's been in therapy knows it's not fun....it's to help.

As I said, I spoke with him this morning and told him I am at my wits end and I just don't know what to do. Then he starts pointing the finger at me saying he feels like some sort of prisoner. I asked him to explain.....he told me I don't allow him to watch certain things. Not true, he watches whatever he wants to. He feels I'm emailing or texting other guys. Also not true, he knows exactly who I am texting and emailing and I've never tried to hide it. Then he says that his parents hate me because I don't let them see our son. Again, untrue......I've let them see him anytime they come over. They've called to have him come over and I've always allowed it. Then suddenly they stopped coming over...and stopped calling, and it's my fault. I'm unsure as to why.......but all this craziness is going on and the blame is all upon me. I'm portrayed as this horrible, evil person when all I am trying to do is help him and protect my children and myself.

I cannot even leave him alone with my children, and I told him that I don't trust him enough to do that. He said, that's okay, they don't respect me anyway. He doesn't know how to talk to them...he is constantly yelling and screaming at them, and he wonders why there is a lack of respect and they always come running to me for comfort. The other night for example, my bf was in the bathroom and my son suddenly had to go pee. He asked his father if he could go and my bf threw the biggest fit because he had to stop what he was doing and let our son go. He yelled at my son for the whole time and scared him so bad that he couldn't go to the bathroom anymore. My bf got so angry that our son wouldn't pee so he picked him up off the toilet and pushed him out the door on the floor, with his pants and his underwear still down. My son was crying his eyes out...he hurt his knee when he fell...and he was terrified! I couldn't believe it....I still can't! But somehow, that too was my fault......I spoil him too much, or something to that effect.

Right now, I'm so unsure of what to do. I'm thinking about looking for a place for the children and I to live because I cannot live under these conditions any longer, but I'm scared because he is full of lies and he will say anything to anyone to make me out to be some horrible person. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost...I'm scared....I've been so depressed for days and I just want happiness and security. Something I don't have here. I'll be the first to admit I am far from perfect.......but I have not done the things he accuses of, and I've only ever tried to make this work. I guess what I'm asking for is your prayers...advice....anything you may have to offer me right now. I'm an emotional wreck and as I said, I'm completely lost. I want God's will...not my will, and if it means starting over new, I will do it. One question......anyone who may read this, is this something I should contact his mother about, simply because I don't know what other avenue to take. I know he needs help and probably sooner rather than later. As much as she hates me, I don't know if she'll believe anything I say....but it was just a thought. So, thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I know it's kind of everywhere...but that's how my thoughts are right now. Thanks again and God Bless!

~M

[Dora]

It's hard to leave a spouse (significant other). It is harder to leave when they are abusive than when they are not. Because you know what possibly will happen and wonder how bad it will get before he finally leaves you alone. I feel for you. I hurt for you. I wish I could help you make this decision easier. I hope you are free soon. Very soon for your safety and health and mental well being as well as your childrens. His making things up to make you look bad is common. They are good at making themselves look like victims. When in reality they are the abuser.

Perhaps begin by contacting a shelter for abused women. Just get to know them a little. Tell them your story if you can and would like to.

I'm here to listen if you need to share more.

Praying.

[seaofnocares]

Thank you Pine for replying. I really appreciate any and all advice right now. Things have started to look up a bit. He's started to go back to counseling and will be seeing a psychiatrist soon to hopefully pinpoint the problem and perhaps get him on the proper medication cause it's pretty obvious to me, and to a lot of others, there is something not mentally right. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I will always protect my children above all else. Even if it means walking out the door as hard as that may be. Thanks so much again for your reply and also for your prayers. Can never have too many of those. God bless you!

~M

[Galahad]

Having spent 9 years with him, I am sure you look back at the good times in your relationship to keep you hopeful for a future with him. There must have been good things that have happened. But unfortunately, you are in the midst of a volatile situation with an unstable man with a proven negative track record. It seems like you might want to just tough it out, but with the addition of children, you need to keep in mind that the decisions you make no longer affect you alone, but your children as well. You need to be strong and have courage for their sake. They need stability in their lives and this man doesn't sound like he is capable of providing it for them. If I were in your shoes, I would get out of there. Your kids can't continue in that kind of environment

Although there may have been intermittent progress in his life, I am saddened to hear that he has never really made permanent changes to his behavior. It may take a miracle for him to change. However, keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to make the miracle happen for him, or to tough it out until the miracle comes. All we have is what is going on right now, and as it stands, you are not safe. Your children are not safe. He is not a healthy addition to your life or the life of your kids.

You know the truth. Live every day knowing that you are not his problem. Don't take responsibility for his actions - he is an adult and he has chosen to be abusive. Those were decisions he made. Now you have the burden of deciding how to respond and that's all that should matter to you.

With regard to his mother, I think of a quote:
"If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner." - James Frey.

Who cares what the mother thinks? In my mind, she doesn't have the right to speak something like that into your life. No one "deserves" stuff like this no matter what the situation, and she should never place herself to be judge, trial, and jury. I think of the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan... the lyrics go "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He (Jesus) loves us." Here's a link to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI

If his mother's disapproval really bothers you, just write her a letter to her. Lay it all out there. Tell her the truth. Since it's a letter, she won't be able to interrupt you. She'll have to read it the whole way through. If you choose to write a letter, try your best to be fair about the issues you address. Remember that you're the more stable of the two of you and let that show in your letter. Be stable.

Know that your God loves you. He thinks you are beautiful in every way, deserving of only the best. God MADE you beautiful for Him. I have a 4-year-old daughter and I get all choked up every time I listen to this song because I hope she lives her whole life knowing how beautiful of a creation she is. Please listen to it and receive the gentle love your father in heaven wants to give to you. Age doesn't matter - this message is for every woman... they were beautifully created, deserving of only the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orc4TuIO56s