Believer ? saved ? christian ? ......

[vahn]

Yep , those are (were ?) the thoughts crossing through my head this morn , the difference between being a Christian , a believer , being saved , "chosen" , follower and on and on it went to the boiling point of throwing my hands up in the air exclaiming " who cares !!! " . That's when I went uh oh ! , "better get your rear end in front of a monitor vahn , or at least find someone to talk to ! " so , here I am . (another coin in the gratitude bucket for this place ) .
On my way here , I passed by at least three churches and in front of each one had to stop and think whether to go in or not . Just the fact that I had to actually "think" about it further reinforced my need of letting all this mental chaos out before it consumes me .
For one reason or other another thought crossed my mind as if the tangle of spaghetti wasn't enough was " How far really is East from the West ? " Hmmm . I had to sit down and "ok Pops start talking , but not before You slow me down first , and I mean right now !! "

They told me to be careful for what I pray for , you might get it , (what do they know right ? ). Well , needless to say , that's exactly what I got . First thing Pops asks me is " What time is it vahn ? " followed by "What got you 'here' to this point ? "

Well , it was 4:30 AM (no wonder I didn't go into church ) and for the past 3 days had been being woken up at 2 AM by some drunk dialing AA Hotline just because they "need someone to talk to " and so , being a "good Christian" (if there ever was a such person) "heeere I come to save the daaayyy !! " only to be beaten down with "you and your God " stuff , having to sit on my hands lest they move too fast without my permission !! .

So , could it be that , maybe , just maybe , somehow I'd gotten this wrong Idea of being called to carry the massage the way it was carried to me and having to learn some other magical , mystical way of doing so , I dont know any more , and you know what else ? Does it matter ?

I never knew anyone who had to "learn" God . never met anyone who had to "learn" how to saved , I only know that I came to believe , with or without my knowing it , yes , the Christian life , I have to learn , and if this is the way for me to do it so be it , let the results speak for themselves , my results ? 0 , zip, zilch , nada ! one brick wall after another . so ..

[Dora]

Just as we are individually created the way we deliver the message should be delivered just as individually.

The the message of Christ, through the gifts God has given to us, and the leading of the Holy Spirit with our individual personalities sprinkled on top.

The key is the Holy Spirits leading.
The importance is building Gods kingdom.
The way is the gospel shared in love.

[mlg]

Wow vahn, has the enemy been whispering at you today or what?

First, God does the calling, and when He calls us to carry His word to others, He does not ask us to think about it, He says He will teach us what to say in the hour we need to say it. As for what are you getting, you are getting the blessing of knowing that the more you reach out to these souls, the possibility that one more soul might find eternal life, instead of eternal death.

As for all the brick walls you are running up against, just back it up and go back the way you came from...because if your hitting walls, your not in God's will. Listen to Him, and He will make doorways in those walls.

Keep fighting the good fight of faith.

luv ya

[vahn]

First off , my thanx to the responses Pine and MLG , and yes, of course , I should thank God first and I do .

I guess my answer came to me earlier , not that I'm disagreeing with what you guys're saying , in fact the answer was along those very lines that were brought up , and in addition , through my past difficulties that everyone helped me out of , that I put to practise , and but with a slight difference the answer came .

you see , and I have shared this with a friend here before , whenever I get into those jumbles , my M/O had been to lose myself in the crowd , as opposed to Isolation (weird ? well yes ! ) .
Today was different , I decided to sit right down and get into a staring contest with the liar , for I knew (through the programs offered here ) that all this was not real . Well , needless to say , he fled , as usual , but that wasn't enough , I had to go tell Pops about this, but was asked to "sit and be still , not another word from you until you're ready to tell me the truth " so , I 'had to think about it' right ? He said "Nope , no more thinking vahn , look where it got you " .
Well ok , sharing time , 5th step of AA , ' admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"

I shared a while ago with a fellow alkie / coo;ie here 'bout feeling of distance again , so , and this had been egging at me for some time now .
Ever since losing my Jackie , I had been trying to somehow make amends to her because of my failure to protect her as I thought I should , so I throw myself into service to others and dedicating it all to her , (mistake #1, by the way) . next thing I know 4-5 months later , with the help of a very precious friend of mine who saw me through all this on a daily basis , I was keeping all that a 'secret' from them , even though I knew the fact that that were not buying into it , but nevertheless , I still would not open up as I should . Until that is , they recommended a certain book for me to read , well , something else I failed to share completely was the fact of my ability to read things between the lines , some call it psychic gift , some discenment , yet others, to "see" feelings , visions and what have you but never able to interpret them , properly that is. So needless to say , I was trying to dodge the issue and go on pretend mode and the while feeling guilty of deceiving , so , when yet another person happened to mention the name of the title of the book I decided "that's it !" so , finding it at the library , as I reached for it something just gave in my heart . If I was EVER scared of Anything , this one sure got me to the point of fainting (another truth I failed to share , sorry ----- I'd leave the name blank on purpose , but they know who they are) . I didnt dare to open it till someone at the centre sarcastically said " It works much better if you just open the darned book instead of just look at it vahn "

Well , from very page one I got the chills from fearing someone's had read my mind and decided to write about it , I mean , the way Jackie and I calling God Pops and all !! I mean so many similarities ! ! , for the first time in 30 some odd years I finally succumbed , and had been crying like an idiot child that thought he'd lost his mommy while she's still standing right in front of him !! the only difference ? the child doesn't have to look for a place to hide to do his crying !!

Well , it's church time now , I'm at chapter 11 where all my answers were "hidden" from me all this time , and at this moment dont even know whether to hug or curse this person who turned me "on" to this book , thanx 4 showing me the way , curse for not having done so earlier .

will try to continue later , as of for now it's church time !!

[mlg]

vahn, my dear friend, all I can say is I luv ya and God is good all the time, even when we are at our lowest.

[realtmg]

Vahn,

I Cor. 15:58: "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."

Luv ya Bro.

Real

[Dora]

The tears Vahn? Like someone saw through you, into the depth where all the pain has been held. The deepest darkest inner most area of your soul, that hasn't been released to God nor to man. Switching a release. Someone touched it. If so I'd say it's God showing you where he wants to work next. Showing you there is something you've held back from him and it's causing you to pull back.

I have to admit I don't remember your difficulties of the past. So I don't know. Just trying to understand where you are at. I feel a little call for help from a brother, you, and would like to sit beside you and listen.

[vahn]

Thanx Pine , Real & Mlg for all your "ears" and willingness to do God's work as He has obviously assigned us all to do . One thing I do know , when the Spirit speaks , the Spirit listens , and thus, my mind has no room for debate !!
I didn't know I had imprisoned the Spirit within me by blocking it with my feelings of guilt , shame and remorse , and to cover all that up with anger and rage . As if all that wasn't bad enough I thought I had done a pretty good job of "hiding " it from the very people who were more than willing to listen and help in anyway they can , which , in turn was causing more guilt for not telling the whole truth to you guys knowing full well that one or even all of you were not buying into it , and I know for a fact MLG had been trying so hard to pry it out of me . (sorry M, truly am)

Pine , in short (you asked) my daughter was murdered by my ex's boyfriend with her in attendance while attempting to burglarize my house , thinking Jackie would be with me for that was our plan , we were to go to the next state for my biz presentation and instead of leaving my car with her and fly back to Maine , I decided to buy her a car and keep mine . So , the next state being only a few hours away driving , I left Jackie behind promising her to be back in a day or so soon as the contract was drawn . The rest is history , or at least that's what I wished it would be , history !!
I did the best I knew to separate myself from the whole nightmare by leaving it all behind and turning it over to God , and locked myself up in a Christian based retreat , for I didn't trust myself the actions I would take as long as they were on the go , but " Vengeance is Mine said Pops " and they got them both only to release my ex on bail who in turn realizing what she'd done , while she was "out" she took her own life .
Sooo, while he is still on trial and all , I was still quietly carrying this "secret" Vengeance in my heart knowing all too well that I was stepping into God's biz , but thanx be to God who decided to have MLG step in as His agent , who pulled me out of that one . (oh by the way , this guy will not see the light of day till he dies [yet another "secret" I failed to share in full] ) but nevertheless all the rest of the stuff I mentioned above were still in my heart and this stupid ego of mine preventing me to open up and let the whole thing go . So , there !!!

I'm getting bottled up again , I need to go for now ok ?

[mlg]

vahn, I don't give up easily, as I'm sure you have learned over all this time....I offered you what I knew you needed most....to rebuild your relationship with God....yes I know you still struggle at times, but you've come a long way from that first week after Jackie's death....keep allowing God to heal you.

luv ya

[Dora]

Vahn

No more hiding it Vahn. Where here to listen and to help. Holding it in just causes more struggle inside.

It's a vicious circle the enemy gets us caught up in isn't it?

love ya bro

[deetu]

oh vahn, my heart was hurting while i was reading your words but the idea of dying to one's self kept coming into my mind. by not hiding these things in a secret place of your being, you have the opportunity to let it die (let it go) and then the Lord can use that space for His good.
new wineskin

vahn, i don't know you as well as mlg or others but i believe God uses us all for the good of His children. some of us here are comforters, some encourager, some have insight...
i couldn't get on oasis site for over a week. i believe He was waiting for you to be ready for this. i am trusting the Holy Spirit that you are.

it is hard to imagine but forgiveness is the biggest healer.
forgive your ex, forgive the boyfriend, but mostly forgive yourself...

after that, if you can go one step further (this will be hard) ask the Lord to bless the man who killed your daughter...
then let go to leave it totally in God's hands
you will feel such a... lightness... healing because it will no longer be your burden

yes, you will never forget what happened but you will no longer feel the helplessness or consuming anger the memory causes

God loves you vahn, and the progress you are making but He wants ALL of you for He is a jealous God.