I think you need to discover Jesus as your own true love. I am rather the opposite - and opposites actually are kinda alike. Can understand each other better I think. Black and White have more in common than a number and a tooth for example.
I was rebellious in my youth - well, maybe not by the world's standards, but by my own. And I told God that I couldn't come to him in fear,that it had to be in love. And I would talk to him at all sorts of odd times. Never had trouble talking to him in the shower for example. Didn't have to be dressed and looking pious.
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Have you done cccc? It is a good place to start.
http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htmAnd pray that God will allow you to experience intimacy. And will show you what is blocking it now.
It could be that you experienced God as a judgemental disciplinarian in your youth. And that that image just won't go away.
But he is a loving father. An abba - daddy.
He sent his son to rescue you.
So that he could adopt you.
God loves you. And he sees inside of you. And he still loves you.
Try the study - and keep posting. God bless.