Christianity Oasis Forum

[killingMEsoftly]

I feel them watching...all around me. The evil that awaits the moment I am finally weakened enough for them to pounce and devour me and drag me down into the depths. I see their faces, contorted and putrid, stalking me. They crave my end and to be the one to overpower me that their lord may be pleased with them. I've felt them and seen them and smelled their foul odor upon, me since I can remember. I've felt it within me and they've looked through my own eyes. In those moments that they are near I am unsettled but I am not afraid. Why should I be afraid? Because even as I stare it in the face, I also feel the soldiers of God surrounding me, standing taller than I. And the Spirit welling up inside of me, illuminating the light of Christ from within me to disperse the darkness and keep them at bay. I hear God's voice say to them "She is mine". I do not live my life as I should but I have not completely given in to the enemy. I know God placed me on this earth for purposes so big I can't imagine. I know that I am a vital tool for Him and so he has protected me thus far. And will continue but I know not forever. I know that if I continue on my path He will remove Himself from my side and with Him, His protection and let the enemy have his way. That is what I fear. The day that I stay away too long and go too far and become what I detest most. That ...thing...that I cannot explain.
I believe that I have so much power within me and that is why I have been so afraid all of this time to tap into any of it. Because I know that if I am not on God's side and ready...that power will lead me to my destruction and that of others. So I've sat idly by all of my life, too afraid to move in any direction because I know that at least where I sit is safe. It won't always be though. Sooner or later I have to choose to stand in God's army and fight...or fall to become the darkness. To be damned.
I see both ways, clear as anything. I remain afraid of both. I don't know exactly what it is that was placed within me that makes me different but I know that I am different. I know that I can be dangerous. Powerful. I'm just not yet ready to be held responsible for anything. I hold myself in place with my own fear and it's killing me to do nothing. I'm supposed to be out there fighting. Fighting the good fight as it is said. But I lack the full armor of God. I have not been strong enough to put it on. Weak and afraid though as I am, deep down I know that the enemy will not have victory. Over me or ultimately over anything. I suppose I just must begin to take the steps, small as they may be at first, toward my future that God has destined me too.

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I had a journal that I labeled "The rantings of the insane Ms. Slabaugh". If I hadn't burned it I would include this post within it's pages. I know that I am not insane but nights like this, writings like this, make me feel as though I'm not far off. Then again, I also know that what I'm saying makes total sense and is true, even if only to myself. So maybe that in and of itself makes me insane. Because I can't explain getting into this 'zone' of sorts. I suddenly go deep into thought and I'm lost in my own mind. It feels as though I go into some kind of trance. It's as though another part of me takes over and I can't help but to start writing and things like this is what is produced. Why I felt to write it here I don't know. It happens so rapidly, I can write page after page and have no real idea of what I'm talking about. I have to go back through and read it. Like the part that was pushed aside is trying to understand.
I'm not expecting comments or advice or anything. Like I said I don't know why I even wrote this here. Normally I just would have written it in my personal journal or typed it up and saved it to my computer.
...And as usual something happens where I'm distracted for a few minutes and I'm 'back'.

[Maverick_Reborn]

Hello. I just wanted to try to help you a little. I will not say I know what your going through, but I will tell you about when I was a little child. I think I was abouy 4, and during that time I didn't know much about God. I remember my brother and I would sometimes see this picture of a woman in our family room. Whenever we stared at it, we would pass out, and in our dreams, that same woman would try to kill us for some reason. Also, when I looked into mirrors, all of a sudden my reflection would smile menacingly. After awhile they went away. Now that im older and undersyand these things a little morr, I start thinking about that a lot. My parents and other brother never saw those things, in fact, they dont even remember the picture. To be honest, I still don't know what to think of it, but it helps me because my faith grows stronger, so I dont go thrpugh that again. I think the question you should ask yourself is do you want to help people who want to avoid eneternal damnation? Im not sure if that will control your gift, but it could help people immensely.