Im scared.
Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 5:29 pmGod has put it on my heart, repeatedly, over and over and over again, to reach out to Muslim women. But Im scared out of my mind.
To give you guys a background, i have been home bound with a disorder known as Dysautonomia for a little over 2 1/2 years now. My dysautonomia makes my extremely sensitive to light (including lots of colors), noise, temperature changes, smells, touch ect. and If im exposed to too much of those things, i get very sick. So on the rare occasions i leave the house, i usually have to protect myself with sunglasses, and ear plugs (and by doing things like holding my hands over my ears, or holding my breath if I walk by someone with strong perfume, and by not wearing clothing most of the time with abrasive textures like jeans.) And sometimes its not enough, and i get sick anyway. So its impossible for me to just walk over and have a conversation with a Muslim woman about Jesus Christ, in order for me to do that i would have to take my hands off my ears, and take out my ear plugs, and take off my sunglasses so i can make eye contact... and i can't do any of those things. The most i could do is silently offer a Gospel tract, or a typed up piece of paper or card with a message on it. (if she is willing to accept a such a thing from a person in pajamas, with sunglasses on, and ear plugs in, and a feeding tube coming out of their nose. -Yes i look mighty strange when i attempt to venture out in public.)
But i a couple of weeks ago i was praying to God about this, and i started crying because i was so scared, but i told God that if He really wanted me to do this, i would go and i would do it, but i would need Him to go with me and hold my hand the entire time, and i felt Him answer me more powerfully than He ever had in my life, and He told me that He would go with me, He would be there at my side the entire time. But im STILL so afraid. Im like moses when God told him to go before pharaoh, Im scared out of my mind, I'm so scared that i almost want to beg God to choose someone else. Im so scared of what will happen, part of me thinks that even if i just walk up and silently offer a Gosple tract, that like im going to die. I don't know. Its a source of constant anxiety for me, sometimes i think about it, and i start to cry and my knees shakes, and i could really use some prayer right now, i really really need it.
To give you guys a background, i have been home bound with a disorder known as Dysautonomia for a little over 2 1/2 years now. My dysautonomia makes my extremely sensitive to light (including lots of colors), noise, temperature changes, smells, touch ect. and If im exposed to too much of those things, i get very sick. So on the rare occasions i leave the house, i usually have to protect myself with sunglasses, and ear plugs (and by doing things like holding my hands over my ears, or holding my breath if I walk by someone with strong perfume, and by not wearing clothing most of the time with abrasive textures like jeans.) And sometimes its not enough, and i get sick anyway. So its impossible for me to just walk over and have a conversation with a Muslim woman about Jesus Christ, in order for me to do that i would have to take my hands off my ears, and take out my ear plugs, and take off my sunglasses so i can make eye contact... and i can't do any of those things. The most i could do is silently offer a Gospel tract, or a typed up piece of paper or card with a message on it. (if she is willing to accept a such a thing from a person in pajamas, with sunglasses on, and ear plugs in, and a feeding tube coming out of their nose. -Yes i look mighty strange when i attempt to venture out in public.)
But i a couple of weeks ago i was praying to God about this, and i started crying because i was so scared, but i told God that if He really wanted me to do this, i would go and i would do it, but i would need Him to go with me and hold my hand the entire time, and i felt Him answer me more powerfully than He ever had in my life, and He told me that He would go with me, He would be there at my side the entire time. But im STILL so afraid. Im like moses when God told him to go before pharaoh, Im scared out of my mind, I'm so scared that i almost want to beg God to choose someone else. Im so scared of what will happen, part of me thinks that even if i just walk up and silently offer a Gosple tract, that like im going to die. I don't know. Its a source of constant anxiety for me, sometimes i think about it, and i start to cry and my knees shakes, and i could really use some prayer right now, i really really need it.
