Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

I started the healing path today, woke up this morning with that cloud of depression over me, I feel this so much it seems lately, and I find myself asking God, there has to be more to life than this? Where is the joy. I wish I knew what it was that gets me into this stinking thinking I am not sure where it comes from, and think it comes from many things, so maybe on this journey the Lord will show me the root of all of this, and I will find that place with Him again, where in His presence, anything could be taking place and my spirit would still be soaring. I know things have to change I can't keep going on like this, but I fear change. I fear many things. Why can't I grab hold of the promises and think only of these things? Why do I often wake up feeling like things are hopeless my future is hopeless. I want more than anything to find myself in that place with the Lord, where there is fullness. My day started with me searching for scripture on depression, wanting so bad for that cloud to just go away. And I stumbled onto this site in that process. So I will take this journey for the next 14 days. It took me all day to read stepping stone one, I read it slowly and some parts over and over again. I know the things I am reading is the truth, Such as spending to much of my time thinking of things I don't want instead of things that are promised to me. I have thrown a lot of things that now look like a scrambled mess into my river. I really need to change my thoughts. I am on a journey looking for hope, looking for joy, looking for that place of walking boldly into the throne room instead of feeling like I have walked a billion miles away for my only source of joy, Jesus. I say this even though I see the Lords hand in my daily life, but I am not in the place I want to be, I want more of Him, to know Him more, the relationship we once had, prior to the loss of my son those many years ago. I know the Lord never moved, but where did I go, and how do I find my way back and return to the love of my life, my Lord, Jesus?

[stillstanding]

welcome so glad you're here!

you have found a good place for growth and renewal!

prayers going up

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Thank you stillstanding, I welcome your prayers

[dema]

Welcome. God is great. He is a loving God. Seek and ye shall find.

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Thank you dema, much appreciated

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Stepping Stone #2 - This morniing my first thought when I woke was all the yuck I feel towards my job, so many weeds! I strive for my first thought of the day to be good morning Father, good morning Jesus, good morning Holy Spirit, but today it was my 2nd thought. I hold resentment in me towards my workplace, I saw that so clearly this morning, it comes from feeling unappreciated, under paid, used. On September 12th the owner of our company passed away, which was a shock for all of his employees, a sudden illness that took him quickly. This man had so much that the world had to offer, but I don't know that he ever trusted the Lord, which saddens me. When I first found out of his death, I asked the Lord how do you reach people like this, that have it all, that think all they have stems from their own accomplishments. I know everything comes from above. It is only by the grace of God we all have any ability to do anything. Anyway, my thoughts were on my job first thing, what is going to happen now? Will things get worse? Why can't I be grateful and only grateful I have a job Lord? Instead of filling my mind with all these thoughts that take me to a place of resentment. This is not who you created me to be. I read stepping stone #2 Renewing your mind and I also read Who am I. I got so much from both readings, I am now working on the "Mirarcle Grow" calendars, if nothing else these will definitely help me keep my eyes on Jesus where they need to be instead of on things I have absolutely no control of. I was so into the reading, and the studies, trying to absorb it all into my spirit, trying to allow the Holy Spirit to guide me into the truth of these two subjects, that I did not even realize it was snowing outside. I live in Alaska, I should expect snow, and it coming on 9/23 after spending time reading God's truth it was beautiful and not frightening as in wow this will be a longgggg winter. My prayer for today is that I keep my eyes on Jesus, and while I work I do the best job I can do for my employer, I give you my hands Lord for your glory. And through out the day when I have breaks, get some of the things on the calendar accomplished. Not that I have to, but that I choose to. To have the truth of God's word entering into my mind versus any stinking thinking that would love to take it's place. God is so faithful to hold our hands, reach down to us where we are. Thank you Lord, for today, for all your help.

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Stepping Stone #3 - Grace.
I don't have much on my mind today, just feel tired. Yesterday was a good day, I tried to do everything on the Miracle Grow list. If you manage to do all it doesn't leave much time in the day to have your thoughts wonder off. They stay focused on the Lord. I did have to not criticize on my list yesterday and caught myself starting to a couple of times, at least I was conscious of doing so I guess. One of the last things I heard last night before I fell asleep was Joyce Meyer saying live inside out. That statement really reached deep into me. Today's stone was short but sweet. God grace is amazing, and there is plenty of grace available to me today. I may write more later after some of the day has past. Now it is early morning so much of my reflection is on yesterday. I prayed to do a good job for my employer, I feel that prayer was answered, I paid attention to my thoughts, I have had much worse days thought wise. I will pray the same today as it is a work day, and I know deep inside of me I can't get through a work day without the Holy Spirit.

[dema]

The snow coming early gets rid of the mosquitos. Lol. If it didn't I imagine you could use them to pull a sleigh from what I've heard. I like Joyce Meyer too.

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Dema,

I think the mosquitos have flown south for the winter I don't have my snow tires on yet, it can wait a few more weeks. We had the strangest winter last year, it will be interesting to see what the winter is like this year.

Hope your evening is full of the Lord's presence.
Lisa

[dema]

What was strange about last winter? I guess your days and nights are exactly even this week?

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Dema,

Last winter we didn't get a real snow until the middle of December, which normally our snow is here to stay in October. And we had many warm days even after December. It finally felt like winter in March/April when normally we will be teased with warmer temperatures and it snowed in May which I can't even remember the last time it had snowed in May. The late snow killed a lot of the buds, so there were not many apples this year, not many flowers on a China rose tree I have. For the past serveral winters it has been strange, so much snow you shoveling every day, to extended periods of no snow. The summers to are changing, this June we broke heat temperatures seeing the 90's which we will see for a day or two but not for days and days and days. So I can't help but wonder what this winter will be like, will it snow and snow, will it just be cold with no snow. The snow helps things such as the buds, the water pipes, we welcome it, I just hope it is not an over abundance of it

Yes, we are at not quite 12 hours of day light, losing 5 - 7 minutes a day.

Lisa

[Lisa_ChildoftheMostHigh]

Stepping Stone #4 Forgiving Yourself…I think I cried through the reading of this entire page. Today of all days for this to be the subject. September 25th, my oldest child, only son’s birthday. He would have been 33 years old today, had he not died at the age of 17. I carry so much guilt inside, I have never forgiven myself, I don’t know if I ever will be able to. My son was the apple of my eye, my good son, always obedient, unlike my strong willed daughter. Because he was soooo good, I was harder on him than my daughter, I expected this goodness from him. Up until the last month of his life our relationship was good, we never had a disagreement. Then one day he asked me if he could go to Arizona to spend the summer with a friend, a friend I never met. Because I didn’t know this kid, didn’t know his parents, this was my first thought, and I said to my son, I don’t know Brandon, I don’t even know this kid. Brandon took my I don’t know as a no. And I didn’t bother to explain myself because I didn’t want him to go. He was angry with me, right after that I asked him to do something for me, I think it was take the garbage out, and he told me no. I had never heard my son say no to me about anything, and honestly to hear him say no, it broke my heart. And thus started this month long feud between us. There was so much strife in my home that month, not just between Brandon and me, but also between my husband at the time and me, Brandon and his step dad. Mark my ex-husband was always looking for something to hold over Brandon’s head, and this was perfect for him. You are being disobedient to your mother, and I won’t let you live it down. I spent most of this month crying behind closed doors, wanting more than anything to make things right between my son and myself again. Wanting things the way that they were. But there was so much fear that if I tried to make amends with him, I would be wounded again, the thought of being hurt anymore by the one I loved sooo much was so much bigger than I was. I thought I had time, I didn’t know I was almost out of time. 2 days before my son’s accident, my ex and he got in a big fight because Brandon did not want to go fishing with him. The fight was so huge it ended with my ex telling my son to get out, leave the house. I had alwayssssss got between the two of them when they fought. And I had alwayyys taken Brandon’s side. But this day I was so sick of the fighting, I told Brandon to go to his friends for a couple of days, his step dad would be going to work in a couple of days, just go, come back in a couple of days and when he gets back home he will have cooled off. I remember the look in Brandon’s face, the shock of not taking his side. He did what I asked and went to his friends. Those last two days of his life, I lay in his bed and I just cried. I was worried about him, I missed him, and I prayed and prayed for God to protect him. Two nights later my phone rang, and I was told they could not find my son. He and 2 friends were out on the lake across the street from our house, the canoe had capsized and Brandon was missing. I raced to the lake and I watched as they searched for my son. It was 12 hours later before they found his body. For so long I questioned God, why didn’t you protect him? It took me many years to come to a place where maybe, just maybe this was the only way to protect him, was by letting him go home, to his real home. My son left this earth 15 years ago and I still struggle with this, so much. I feel inside like I did not deserve this child, he was too good for me. He deserved so much better than me. I am haunted in my thoughts as to what Brandon’s last minutes were like, when he was drowning, was he thinking I didn’t love him, was he thinking of me at all? I have asked God so many times to forgive me for the way I treated this child, for not standing up and fighting for him that day, for just wanting to throw up my hands and give up. But I can’t forgive myself for that month. After his death my ex told me that Brandon had gone to him crying, saying I hurt mom and I don’t know how to make it all better. My ex decided to not tell me this until Brandon was gone, had I known this, I would of reacted differently, I know I would have. I try and convince myself I have forgiven my ex, but I haven’t. Both he and I were the adults, but we were acting like the children. I don’t know how many times I have asked God to tell Brandon I am so sorry. And it kills me that I can’t say this to him myself. Years ago when I was tormented by this even more than I am 15 years later, I told God, I just need to know he loved me. And I had a dream where in the dream Brandon said 3 times, mom I love you. I know that dream was a gift from God, why can’t I take this dream and be happy about it? I feel I deserve punishment for how I treated my son, so much so, that I will punish myself. I don’t believe in coincidences that this stone, forgiving yourself would fall on today, my son’s birthday. This is a big weed, I am not sure I can pull it out myself.