Day 1 - Stepping Stone 1
Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 12:44 amI found this site a week ago, today (Tuesday.) I needed to say a prayer to God to heal my seven-month-old kitten. If He decided that my kitten was to be with Him, then I asked that he take Rocky, quickly. The next day (Wednesday) we went to visit Rocky, as he'd been in quaranteen (sp?) since we took him in the week prior...Friday, I think it was...with the vet's suspicion that it was FIP. Well, long-story short, my husband and I have never, in all our years of having cats, seen a cat's color fade so drastically. We *had been* waiting on test results to get back from the Lab in Jax, but with Rocky's worsening condition, made the hardest decision ever: we had him put to sleep.
We have two 17-year-old cats still with us. They aren't showing any signs of FIP, for which I am grateful to God. Losing all three...well, I'm on medication now, but I don't know how I'd handle it. God knows I've lost babies before...human as well as fur-kids. I should have stuck with what I'd originally said about a year ago: I won't get another cat unless God drops one in my lap. THEN and only then, will I know that THIS is what He wants with/for me.
So that brings me to now. I read the front page and it said in order for the councelling to work/unfold as it could, I would need to devote 14 continuous days, to return each day, to keep a journal. Although I used to keep offline journals, I have had online journals before as well. It seemed to me, that in this case, that I needed to post here. I know that God sees and knows all, but I know that there are Christians on this site and "wherever two or more are gathered in My Name..." and this is what my heart needed and needs.
What is on my heart/weighs on my heart: that I have failed in the responsibilities that I've been given. It doesn't matter that I did my best, that I've taken my "kids" to the doctor, that I've been caring for my currently-disabled husband, that I've been tending the house as a good wife should. Rocky still died. Romeo and Juliet (my two remaining cats) have been fighting various ailments/sickness. My husband's shoulder has not recovered from his severe case of Frozen Shoulder.
I cannot forgive myself for not being a better person. I am thankful that Jesus loves me anyway, even though I'll never be anywhere near perfect.
The other issue on my heart: For those who've heard that country song "Jesus Take the Wheel," yes, I've asked Jesus and God to "take the wheel" a few different times. The problem that *I* have...I always feel the need to keep one finger on the wheel when I ask them to take over. I *want* to be able to hand everything over, but I freak-out at the thought of not being in control of anything.
The hardest lesson that I've yet to learn: how to truly "Let go and Let God" Maybe it's my sinful self that doesn't allow me to trust, or maybe it's the fact that God may say "No" or "Not Now"...even though it's for my own good...because at the time it doesn't feel (to me) like it's "for my own good."
I know that this Sunday is Easter...the day we celebrate that Our Lord Has Risen Victorious...a day we should celebrate everyday and share with whoever is willing to listen. I am just praying that I can make it everyday, even on Sunday, to hold it all together and not weep for what and who has been lost, but rejoice in the Lord, as He sits at the Right hand of God the Father. Maybe I just need to pray for peace.
We have two 17-year-old cats still with us. They aren't showing any signs of FIP, for which I am grateful to God. Losing all three...well, I'm on medication now, but I don't know how I'd handle it. God knows I've lost babies before...human as well as fur-kids. I should have stuck with what I'd originally said about a year ago: I won't get another cat unless God drops one in my lap. THEN and only then, will I know that THIS is what He wants with/for me.
So that brings me to now. I read the front page and it said in order for the councelling to work/unfold as it could, I would need to devote 14 continuous days, to return each day, to keep a journal. Although I used to keep offline journals, I have had online journals before as well. It seemed to me, that in this case, that I needed to post here. I know that God sees and knows all, but I know that there are Christians on this site and "wherever two or more are gathered in My Name..." and this is what my heart needed and needs.
What is on my heart/weighs on my heart: that I have failed in the responsibilities that I've been given. It doesn't matter that I did my best, that I've taken my "kids" to the doctor, that I've been caring for my currently-disabled husband, that I've been tending the house as a good wife should. Rocky still died. Romeo and Juliet (my two remaining cats) have been fighting various ailments/sickness. My husband's shoulder has not recovered from his severe case of Frozen Shoulder.
I cannot forgive myself for not being a better person. I am thankful that Jesus loves me anyway, even though I'll never be anywhere near perfect.
The other issue on my heart: For those who've heard that country song "Jesus Take the Wheel," yes, I've asked Jesus and God to "take the wheel" a few different times. The problem that *I* have...I always feel the need to keep one finger on the wheel when I ask them to take over. I *want* to be able to hand everything over, but I freak-out at the thought of not being in control of anything.
The hardest lesson that I've yet to learn: how to truly "Let go and Let God" Maybe it's my sinful self that doesn't allow me to trust, or maybe it's the fact that God may say "No" or "Not Now"...even though it's for my own good...because at the time it doesn't feel (to me) like it's "for my own good."
I know that this Sunday is Easter...the day we celebrate that Our Lord Has Risen Victorious...a day we should celebrate everyday and share with whoever is willing to listen. I am just praying that I can make it everyday, even on Sunday, to hold it all together and not weep for what and who has been lost, but rejoice in the Lord, as He sits at the Right hand of God the Father. Maybe I just need to pray for peace.
I am sure the 14 day counseling will help you as it helped me. I am so sorry to hear about your kitten. I to have lost animals that were like family members so I feel your pain. We must allow ourselves to go through a grieving process. It is like going through a swamp you know there has to be a way out you just cant see it. And some may get through it faster than others but remember God will get you through it. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13 If you dont think you have the strength to face the day then pray for his. God loves you just as you are so no matter what you have done or haven't done he is gonna be there for ya. 
