Christianity Oasis Forum

[tinkerbella22]

I dont know where to start and please forgive the many mis spellings and grammar as my tears and suffering have been continual for more than a day now. I am 45 married, two children. Was a high school teacher of poor urban children for over 20 years. I had an accident that has left me with minimal brain damage that leaves me unable to teach. That was 5 years ago. I am a Chrisitian. A year before my accident a met a woman who became the best friend anyone could ever ever have. We lived three hours apart put spent many weekends together. After my accidents when i started having panic attacks she would come every weekend to help me and my family. She is twenty years older than i am , when she retired last year she sold her home and moved to NJ to be closer to me even though this caused her great financial strain. She lived with me for a year while her fixer upper house was having the serious work done and we did all of the painting and wallpapering ourselves. I brought her to know the Lord and we were totally inseperable, i mean every waking second either together or on the phone or IM. She helped me so much. I loved her and would do anything for her, i still would. I got to a point where i felt i could go on a trip with my husband and daughter to Georgia to visit his family last week. My doctor told me that the trip would be hard for me. As i was away my best friend and i talked each night...as the week came near an end i was having a very hard time she stayed on the phone with me the entire 12 hour drive back encouraging me and telling me that she could not wait to see me. As we appraoached my road, she hung up as she was at my house waiting for me...but when i got there, all of her belongings were gone...and so was she, she had left a letter saying i was the best friend that she ever had and she loved me but she needed space and left to go to florida with people i dont know. I went to the house she just walked out of today....the house we made so beautiful together, just me and my bible i sobbed on that floor, i cried out to God but i can not feel him....I knew she needed space and i was doing better each day and she would tell me she was proud of my progress....even at times i would tell her to go on, i knew she wanted to go home and she would say...no i am good...I am not suicidal, but i do not want to live. Now she will only text me in the morning that she is awake and at night once to say good night. Her letter said she loved me more than she has ever loved a friend and that she was a liar and a coward because she did not tell me of her plans. I am in such shock and pain....i just want her to love me again. i can be better or lesser or whatever she wants. i dont know what to do. I have been on my knees and emailed with my pastor reached out to many christian friends,...my family feels so horrible for me becasue they know the depth of the relationship we shared. I wish the Lord would take me in my sleep because this pain is too great. I can not eat or watch tv or read or do anything but look at my phone and pray that she will have mercy in her heart and forgive me for needing her too much. This is truly my last resort. I have read scripture the last two days....my mind agrees but the pain in my heart is too consuming to allow me to feel the Lord. i need so much help and I need somethng to hope for. She tells me she loves me but she is not there for me. How can you love someone for six years everyday and just leave? Everything I did, was to make her happy, we just returned from Costa Rica, i hate the heat but she surfed as a girl and i wanted to see her smile at doing taht again and i did, this was just last month. She loves plants and i would send her one on Mondays to make work easier. I praised her constantly, she tells me i did nothing but love her and she has never been loved as much as i have. We read the bible each day together , we prayed together, we did everythihng together and i do not feel God any where near me, the only thing i feel is tremendous loss and i dont want to go on. I have not read any of the other journals but if this is not ok to post just delete it. It doesnt really matter anymore. I am still in such shock....when i went to that house that we made beautiful together and all of her and i were erased i thought surely i would die....and i wish i did. I am just rambling now and i apologize. Everytime i want to call her, i get down on my knees and offer my tears as a sacrifice to bring her happiness. I want her to be happy, i just want to be in her life. Thank you all who have read this. May everyone who is hurting have peace.

[kimby]

(((tinkerbella))) I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now!!
I can't say anything that can make the feeling of loss go away or that will cause your friend's return, but I can assure you that Jesus cares so very much, and though you can't feel Him right now, He is very close to you in this time. He will never leave you. There are many caring souls here..thank you for reaching out and allowing us the privilege to reach back and walk with you through this time!

[tinkerbella22]

Kimby,
I am in such a state of suffering and i keep waiting for her to call or text and my whole day is consumed with thinking what i should have done or could have done differently. I at least ask that all of my thousands of tears the Lord uses to wash her with happiness, my love for her is firm no matter what the circumstnaces are. If the Lord is indeed watching me, he had decided to allow this suffering, for reasons i can not understand. Two years ago my sister who is one year younger, died because the hospital forgot to give her blood thinner after a procedure, I still have not gotten over that and now my best and only real friend is gone and I wish i were too. Thank you so much for responding.

[kimby]

He is most certainly watching you. He has not taken His eyes off you. I know all of this has taken you by surprise, but it was not a shock to Him. Did he orchestrate it? I don't know, but I do know that He was not caught off guard. If He is allowing you to go through this time, it is because He knows you are strong enough to do so. It may not seem that way to you. When things hurt we tend to take our eyes off the strength He has placed in us..we focus instead on how difficult things appear. Let me encourage you to continually put your focus on Him. He is calling you to lean on Him and to look to Him for your strength. Friends and family are wonderful, and He surrounds us with them, but ultimately He wants us to rely completely on Him. I pray that this season is a time for you to learn to do that even more than you already do.

[tinkerbella22]

still day 1 for me
but i wanted to add, i love this friend so much and i needed her so much
and one day a few months ago, a thought popped into my head
that i loved her more than God, that i went to her for help before God
that it was a form of worship that GOd would not be pleased with
and how i cried and cried and i repented and asked God please dont take my friend away
i will work at it, i will put her in her correct place
and i tried, and i was getting there but oh so slowly
and i feared, but not enough to do what needed to be done fast enough
so in a way God is punishing me....i had the knowledge
the Holy Spirit gave me the thought
i repented and repented but did not put the deeds in effect fast enough
and now God has done what i refused to do
i put my will above his, while being a mature Christian, knowing better, in full knowledge of his jealousy
and i have caused my own pain.....and He may be watching but i doubt he will comfort me

[judah]

Hey Tinkerbella,
I am familiar with your sorrow. I recently had the same thing happen to me with a friend I spent 10 years of my life with and it included bringing up a child. When I met my friend she was young and wanted to kill her baby. Long story short. The boy is 9 and was the biggest blessing in my entire life. I was grief stricken to the point of suicide. My friends called me everyday to see if I was alive, If I didnt answer, they rushed over. To make a long story short. I learned a few things from my personal lesson.
1. Like Abraham, God want to see if I would sacrifice "my son" for him. Be obediant.

2. I worshiped the boy, he was the best thing that happened to me in my life, but because I never received love as I child, I love this boy to the point of worship.....He became my Idol. God wants to be our first love.
"If you love you mother,brother sons or daughters more than me, you are not worthy to follow me"

3. God came closer to me in my emptiness.....I had to be emptied so that I may be made full.

Believe me, when you "SURRENDER ALL" to Jesus. He will make you new, he will make you feel what real love is, he will give you a future and a hope, He will RESORE you. Believe me. He did it for me. I am his witness. My family just can't believe it's me....and neither can I. I am so full of Joy that I feel like my heart will explode, But I had to get down on my knees and Cry and Cry and Cry and Cry. Now when I cry it is tears of joy. I will ernestly pray for you because I am familiar with that deep sorrow and loss. I just want you to know I care about you. Keep getting up no matter what..Keep living....God has a purpose, he has a reason and he also has a purpose for your friend. Be strong in the Lord, He has not left you. You have personal Angels concerning you and you have the Holy Spirit that dwells in you and Jesus is waiting for you to call on him.

[judah]

For godly sorrow produces repentance [leading] to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. 2Cr 7:10

[tinkerbella22]

Judah...it is day two and read and re read the counseling page and i am so broken the words do not even make sense...thank you so much for writing to me, at least i know that you understand....but it doesnt take away the pain. Each second I cry more and more....i beg God to please use my suffering as a blessing to my friend, who I know is hurting for what she did to me. I have moments when i believe i can get through this without her, but i dont want to. If it were not for my beautiful daughter i would have been dead but she is such a wonderful child and only 11, she deserves so much better. I went to the house she was renting to buy, when she moved here only a year ago. It as a mile from my home and we did all of the painting and wall paper and polishing of wood floors ourselves as we had no money......I went there yesterday alone, m e and my bible and lay on the floor crying to God, crying about all of the beautiful plans we will never do...and looking at how all of the "us" there was erased. She took everything. If it were possible to die of a broken heart i surely would have, i wish that i did. I can barely get through an hour without a total breakdown and i cry out to God, i get on my knees....i try to think he is working this out for our good...and truth be told i know for a fact if i am around long enough, it will work out. I just can not express the pain, the lonliness, the loss....and we were working for the Lord together...we were tutoring and mentoring....we read the bible together each day. He was in our lives. She is gone now and even though my family and friends want to help me, there is no help....for one person can not replace another. All I can do is pray that the Lord has mercy on me. I am a good person, I help the poor the hungry...I am ALWAYS available whenever anyone is in pain. I keep a clean home and give to God first of my earnings. I read the bible each day and push myself in other studies.....i will not kill myself but how i wish the Lord would take me.....I miss my friend so much and there is nothing that i can do. I do not feel the Lord near at all...I pray and read his word and i feel like i am all alone....please anyone who reads this...even if you do not comment pray that the Lord has mercy on me.

[judah]

Tinkerbella,
Feeling your pain takes me back to a deep place of sorrow. I still cry at times for my loss. But sometimes, Satan uses our thoughts to make us look back and keep us in bondage. God said, "look, I am doing a new thing". Let me tell you. The bible is our instruction book. It begins with renewing your mind. You are not dead, so there is hope, Everyday, start renewing your mind. You may have to put things away that bring back reminders. As much as I hated to let go, I had to put things that were special to me and my friend in a box, thank God for giving me those memories and seal the box and put it away, I know, I am not ready to see those painful memories, God will open it back for me when I am ready to handle it. You know Tinkerbella, the pain you feel the most is betrayal. It is the worst pain. "How could she do this to me", "Why did she do this to me", "I thought everything was ok", "We had so many plans", "Look at all the things I did for her" etc. Judas was a friend to Jesus, he ate with him, prayed with him, sang with him and even followed him, in the end, It was the kiss of Judas that lead to the crucifying of Christ. That Crusifying was the greatest gift the world has ever known. The kiss is an intimate action. You wouldnt let an enemy kiss you, only someone you were close to. So imagine the closeness of the kiss of Judas. We always expect an enemy to hurt us, but the greatest pain is when a friend betrays us. During my great pain and suffering, I felt so so alone, like you do now, no one understood my love for my friend and her son, they would say, "You just need to get over it" or "what's the big deal" or "what's ur problem". My heart was broken beyond fixing and I felt like I was on the road dying and people would look at me and just walk by. Well, Im not gonna walk by u tinkerbella, I will help u get through this if I can. I will say though....Look at what u do have....Look at your Daughter, Look at your heart and how capable of love it is. The reason you have so much pain is because you have sooooo much love. There are sooooooooo many people today that feel lonely and have no one to love them. Use your great love to give it to the unloveables (start with yourself). God is training you right now. God is training you right now. God is training you right now, He will use your pain for his greater purpose. Pick yourself up people need you...If you can take one step a day that is a start. Walk into your destiny. Look up not around. Remember right before Jesus died on the cross, he said, "father why have you forsaken me". That's how you feel right now, But God never left Jesus, he let his purpose be fufilled. I will pray for you until together in Jesus name you will begin to see that he has a plan for you. Be strong one step at a time.

[tinkerbella22]

Judah
Your post made me cry, for that is exactly how i feel. I have hundreds of photos of us. I brought her everywhere with my family...and people are acting like..oh well you should be mad and move on. This was the only person in my life that ever took care of me. I am a care taker, as my friend used to say as i would invite anyone who needed help to eat or live in my extra room....she would say "oh i see you have taken in another stray"....everyone tells me it is my own fault for loving too much, they say toughen up my heart, i am too old to act like one person matters so much. My sister died two years ago, she was only 41...my friend helped fill that void also. So not only do i have the betrayal of my friend, i have everyone telling me to get over it, move on etc.

And i was scared to go on this trip for many reasons and i told her i could go becasue i knew she would be waiting when i came back...she assured me, she kissed me as i got into the car. She was on the cell phone with me until we turned onto my street, then she said "mine as well hang up i will see you in a minute"....and i ran in to hug her.....and all of her things were gone...all i had left was a note that said that she loved me and she was a liar and coward because she couldnt look at me and all the love i have and hurt me....

i thank you so much for showing me some love.....i have to go, my tears are going to break the computer
may love and peace come to all who read this, in Jesus name

[judah]

Sorry Tinkerbella, I just have to keep writing to you....I know you think I dont know how you feel....but I know all too well. See, me and my friend had a wonderful Christmas together, we exchanged gifts with my family, Love was all around, I remember cutting sausage and cheese together in the kitchen and putting them on crackers and talking about the comming new years, I remember the smell of Christmas in the air and all the joy I felt. Two days after Christmas, I came home from work and she was gone and so was her son, I thought where are they? Then I looked around and the comptuers were gone, all the expensivse stuff was gone I really couldnt comprehend what happened. I remember before I went to work that night, the boy kept saying, "Please dont go to work", "Please stay with me don't go to work". I didn't understand why he kept saying that because I always went to work, but I guess he knew...... the funny thing is...I didn't even know anything was wrong. I beat myself up because I didnt know I would never see him again and because I didnt get to say good by to kiss him and hug him to love him. I cut his imbilical cord, I named him, I changed his diapers, made his 4 ounce little bottles for him when he was a new born, took him to kindergardten for the first time, cried the first time he got on the bus for school...I could go on and on.,,,,,,,
Healing takes time, people that say "get over it" do not understand and they dont want to understand. Not because they dont want to understand but because, it will reminds them of thier own pain and no one wants that burden of pain. Other people have thier own pains and your pain reminds them of thier own pain so they make themselves blind. Not on purpose, but because....it hurts toooooooo much. One step at a time. Crying is a step to healing. The Angels and God are crying with you, they know you are hurting..You are in a process. I had to put pictures away too, not all at once it took me over a year to finally put them away. But they are put away in a special place for now. I actually had to move to a different house because the house I lived in had toooooo any memories. My family all the while kept saying, "what's the big deal?" I am praying for you today. You are not alone.

[tinkerbella22]

Judah,
I love that you are writing so much to me, the only thing i dont love is that your pain and circumstance are so similar. I knew my friend wanted more space but i just didnt realize that my idea of space was like half a day and hers was a few weeks.....so she kept on trying for me until she couldnt do it anymore. yes the shock of coming in and seeing that is something that is too painful to even explain. She lived with me for a year while her home (one mile away) was getting heat and electric work and we painted and wallpapered etc. I went to that house by myself yesterday, me and my bible and it was soooooo beautful.....oh my goodness it was so beautiful...and all of us was erased.....i lay down on that wood floor that we polished and sobbed so hard i thought i would die.....then i came home and in my bedroom were my pink slippers, then it hit me ..... those were the slippers i had kept at her house and i picked them up and put them to my face....(i know people will make fun of me) but i dont care i put them to my face in hopes maybe she slipped them on after a bath...but there was none of us in them and i cried into them so long that the pink slippers themselves were crying my tears.