Christianity Oasis Forum

[Vessel of Honour]

Somewhat embarrassed, It is now Thursday evening a far cry from Monday. Well, here it goes. I hope it's not to long I did try to keep it short.

April 30th 2010 STUPID, STUPID STUUUUPPPIDDDDD STUFFFFFFFFF

Well, I should have started this yesterday, but I wasn't able too. Where do I start? Everything gets so jumbled up in my brain. Yesterday was a very bad day. I found myself crying a lot. It started in the morning when my husband called me from his bedroom (by phone) to my bedroom which is right across the hall. We have separate rooms because of health issues. So he calls me this morning because he was very very tired. Our sleep habits are very different than most. Usually we go to bed around 2am and wake up around 10am. He is a limo-driver and I'm an unemployed graphic artist. We are both Born-Again Christians, have been for many, many years with no or very little fruit to show for it, all the way around. No ministry, No kids, No closeness with his relatives, my relatives are overseas except my mom. I am an only child, came here when I was 4. OH, we go to church but we don't fellowship with anyone except on the surface. I have never had the luxury to let my hair down so to speak with anyone except one friend many years ago-That story is a book in it's self. Needless to say we are no longer friends. Another problem is that my husband complains about the church we attend-That's another chapter.

So back to the phone call. It's about 10:10am and he asks me to make coffee and breakfast oatmeal. Oatmeal is not my forte so I have to read the instructions. (In all fairness I need to mention that usually he makes breakfast he makes a great once over easy egg. And that's wonderful, and I appreciate it, especially when we were first married he wouldn't even make me a cup of tea if I was sick-those days would be another book also. Anyway he's come a long way by the grace of God.) So, anyway, I've got the coffee going and wanting to start the oatmeal and he's talking to me and I'm NOT looking at him as I'm trying to figure out the best way to get the show on the road which also includes making his lunch. So, he gets so upset because I'm not looking at him as he's talking and he starts complaining and mocking me turning his head in all different directions to let me know that he doesn't appreciate the fact that I am not looking at him as he is talking to me. Then he complains that I should have the breakfast done already. I said I had to make the coffee first, by this time I am stirring the oatmeal so it won't stick to the bottom. I was kinda tired also, but I was trying to do my best, and get lunch done for him so that he could take it with him on the road.

So he takes a shower comes back into the kitchen does some kidding around (I guess he felt bad about his nagging). I finish up a few other things. He goes down the stairs and asks If he had left a bag upstairs (something he had to return). I looked and said yes and preceded to get it for him and handed it to him. I never saw that he didn't take his lunch with him.

About 45 minutes later he calls up and tells me that he's coming back for his lunch and that it was my fault that he forgot it and that he always has to try to cheer me up and placate me, and he's yelling up a storm. I'm thinking to myself, my Lord, can't he just be grateful that he was ABLE to come back home and pick up his lunch, usually that is not the case. Maybe he was angry at himself but I get the brunt it's always my fault I'm tired of it I really am. My entire day was ruined, I am a basket case of raw emotions.

I used to get extremely upset about the fact that we don't have children (had 2 miscarriages early on). But now I find some relief because I know where they are. I also know that if I had children I would probably be divorced from my husband. The last thing that I could ever have happen is bringing innocent children into the world and making them turn out like basket cases. I know that there would be no-way this side of heaven that I would have been able to deal with children and them getting the brunt of two parents that fight all the time and can't get along. I would probably take their side more than I should. You see, like I said earlier, I grew up as an only child, came to this country at the age of four. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, no cousins, just my mother and father. Being an only child might sound like heaven on earth for most people well it wasn't. I was picked on and bullied at school and my father who had his own closet of hangups was very overbearing and he could do no wrong, I mean NO wrong and my mother supported him at all cost. (I want to add, there was no physical abuse, but consent verbal abuse.) I used to be very upset as a child because I didn't have brothers and sisters, but now I now that If I had, my father probably would have played favorites and it would not have been me. I don't think I could have taken that on top of everything else It was sooooo sooooooo lonely.

Well anyway, back to today's events, or should I say Friday's events. I called my mother a few times and cried the blues to her (my father has gone on to be with the Lord now for 10 years). Around 9:30 pm my husband calls and asks me if I want him to bring me home some pizza. I asked him what about the sandwich I made for you? Didn't you want it? No, he said. I was ready to scream my ever-lovin-head off. But I didn't, thank God, He gave me the ability to just calmly say, No Thank You, enjoy your pizza. What was this all about????????????????????????????? Really what was that all about?????????????????????????????????????

By now it is no way near April 30th but it is May 6th and I haven't even entered this into the journal like I am supposed to. I've been sick all week with a low grade fever and my lower intestines didn't feel right either. I think it was because of all this stupid stuff that goes on and how it tries to tare me down physically.

Since, then things have mellowed out but it's like bracing myself for the next time. I'm really tired of all this, tired of getting the brunt of everything that goes wrong, tired of having no purpose or money, tired of being sick and I feel so old.

I felt impressed from the Holy Spirit to put up a sign (which I did by the way) It says STOP Blaming her when things go wrong. I took the blame for her. (signed) -Jesus- So far it seems to be helping. I just put up another sign tonight which says She is Trying to Explain and Communicate Something to You AND NOT condemning you or putting you down. She just gets excited like people do at times. She Loves You and You're the Best, You're her Hubby. You're her Best Friend Next to Me. (signed) -Jesus- Let's see what that will do. Hopefully it will help us communicate.

I am very thankful for this site. I really do not have any Christian friends that I can go to. From past experience people you know usually don't want to hear it anyway, even Pastors. In a way I can't blame them, we all have a lot of stuff. I'm just glad I can come here and open up.

From this to Thank You All!

[mlg]

Hey Vessel Have missed you...glad you are back...so things have been a tad rocky in the marriage lately huh? Well that does happen...see no relationship will ever be perfect nor any person...as we are all sinners saved by grace...so your hubby has some things you would like to see him working on...that's great sis...and the best way to help hubby work on hubby is for you to work on yourself...see we are so human that we tend to imitate what we see...so how about trying kindness with your hubby...allowing him not to pull your chain...see you may not can change your hubby's actions...but you can change your reaction...and if you start allowing yourself to just take it all in stride...then the stress in your marriage will become less.

For example: I know you took time to make hubby a sandwich...but at the last moment he decided pizza sounded better...he wasn't thinking so much about my wife took time to make this...but at that moment he was thinking about...maybe my wife and I can share a pizza together...so in reality I bet he was thinking of you...or he wouldn't have called you at all...he would have just went on ahead and got the pizza...so sis...don't get upset so easily about the small things like a sandwich or a pizza...

Think of it this way...can you imagine God getting upset everytime we change our minds? That wouldn't be good at all....cuz we do change continually...even after He has offered us something...we decide we want something else...but God is so patient...He loves us anyways...and He allows us to make choices.

Keep working on the steps sis...even if it takes you extra time...push through them.

Praying for you and hubby sis.

luv ya

[Dora]

Hi Vessle.

You mentioned no money. This can put a huge stress on people as they try to find faith that God will meet their needs. I think most marriage issues stem from money. Wonder if that's one reason why the saying, Money is the root of all evil. Don't allow money to destroy what God has brought together. You can't make your spouse trust God on this, but you can understand if he's feeling a struggle over money that it may come out towards you because you are the one he is supporting. He may feel he's letting you down. Just a thought on that.

You shared you were fighting and angry with in your marriage. Stop fighting him. He may fight you, but you don't have to fight back. When he begins to fight, you turn to God and begin to pray. Maybe take a step back and repeat what he says to you. With love and concern as him, so you are trying to tell me you feel _____ or you are saying you think I am ________. Don't take it personal, just put it back to him so he can hear what you have taken in. And remember words spoken in anger tend to be coming from selfishness or pain.

With in a marriage we can tend to just let everything fly when we are angry. I don't know your relationship or what is going on for sure, but may I suggest that when the words are flying, instead of letting them go deep inside and cause you emotional pain that you take a step back, knowing he probably doesn't mean what he's saying as he's letting his anger have control. Then later when he's calm you can ask him, "Hon do you really think I'm ______."

It sounds like his way of showing you he loves you was to cook for you. The pizza thing and the lunch thing could possibly be him not feeling loved and seeking to see if you do.

My spouse shows me he loves me by buying me things. I didn't realize this for the longest time. I couldn't figure out why he keeps buying me things. My way of showing love is to make someone something. So I kept thinking he was taking the easy way out to buy me something. If he really loved me he'd make me something.

One more thing I picked up on in your shared words was you are tired of not having a purpose. You do have a purpose sis. A God giving purpose. Start with being faithful in this relationship, by treating your husband like God wants you to. I believe you'll see God giving you more after this.

I'm excited for you and this adventure you are on with the Lord. I am certain you'll see his hand in your life if you continue to seek him.

God bless and keep you. May you find peace, joy and love in Him.

[momof3]

Heya Vessel..

was wondering if you have read The Love Dare? It really is an awesome tool to use in not only marriage relationships, but in all of our relationships. Check it out and see what He has to show you through it.

God bless you sis, as you continue to seek His will in your life..and in your marriage. I pray He brings you peace as you allow Him to lead you.

In Jesus,
love momo

[Vessel of Honour]

Just want to say thank you and I put my replies and step 2 under a NEW topic titled Pouring out more of my heart. Wasn't sure if that was the way to do the steps but I guess it's ok.

[Dora]

Hi vessel

Either way is fine. You can keep replying to one thread or make a new one each day.

GB