Christianity Oasis Forum

[debzey01]

'Friday March 1st 2013

Today I signed up for this counselling through a Free Christian based counselling thing online and they asked me to write in my journal as the first step. So here is my entry...

Today I am struggling with a few things, I really don't know where to start other then to list what is on my mind and how I am feeling about it.

When I was 11 years old, my Father touched my breasts, which I know to someone who has had more then that happen to them it's probably no big deal and something I should just get over... My mother was in the room and although she knew what was happening, she didn't say anything or do anything to stop him rub at my breasts. My Dad only stopped when I said his name in shock. My mother later said she would leave him and press charges against him, but she never did and I had to pretend like everything was ok, to protect their names and not let anyone think badly of them. But I wasn't ok, they had both betrayed me as far as I was concerned.Eventually I learned to live with it and learned to squash it down. Later on in my Dad's life he gave his heart to God and I saw some major changes in him so that I was able to forgive him, thankfully I saw this happen in his life before he passed away, and it didn't affect me anymore. Until I found out 2 years ago that 3 of my brothers have touched my daughter in a sexual way, and raped her. She told me it started when she was 4 and kept happening right up until we moved to America. I didn't find out until we'd been living in America for 6 months. My husband wanted me not to say anything or let on that I knew anything about it until we go back to Australia. So for 1 and a half years I said nothing to anyone, except my sister. My daughter Samantha told her what had happened to her, when my mother and her husband and my 3 brothers moved in with her.My sister didn't believe her and scoffed that she'd had no problems with them, but a year and a half later my sister found out that 2 of the brothers that touched my daughter, touched one of her daughters and her step daughter in the same way. Since I found out about them being touched, I came out and told my mother and my brothers that I know about what happened to Sammie, and charges have been made. I couldn't not say anything anymore and even my husband said it was right for me to say something now. My mother has stopped talking to both my sister and I, but occasionally sends friendship requests to me, when I accept them and try to talk to her she stops talking for months again.She continues to try to say nothing happened, or appologise for all the wrongs she and her sons have made., or tries to make me feel guilty that I am speaking out about it. I have told her that her silence hurts me, I have told her I don't blame her for what has happened when she expressed feelings of guilt,
but that I needed her support and as long as she keeps contact open between us, we can work on our relationship. But again she continues to not talk to me. I have tried to tell her how I feel and how all of this is has made me feel betrayed. She told me she can't talk about it. No compassion for how my daughter or myself might feel, or how we might need her to listen at least if not anything else. Just yet again she has shut down because she can't handle it. I told her it was fine if we didn't talk about it and again months went by without a message from her. Then I got a message saying she loved us and telling me to forgive her and her sons... still no expression of sorrow of what they've done, but a demand that I forgive... Again I expressed to her that I already have forgiven, but I can't allow the boys to be in my daughters life, although i would allow her, and I would allow the boys to talk to me if they wanted to, but they will have no contact with my daughter. Again this message has gone unanswered.
I need to protect my daughter and she needs to respect that decision. I feel she isn't respecting my decision or the fact that I am Samantha's mother, she is the grandmother, but I am the parent and my decision is final. I would need proof that they have given their hearts to God and repented of their ways and turned from it 360 degrees before I will even think of letting them around my daughter again. Otherwise I feel it will only happen again. What sort of parent would that make me if I acted so foolishly? My mother has always been very good at making others feel guilty for not doing what she wants and it is how she has controlled me in the past. By putting me down, and making me feel worthless when I did what I felt was right for me and for my children. I have felt anger and confusion about what my mother is doing, what my brothers did to my daughter and how my mother is reacting to both my sister and I by not acting as a mother should. I am angry that she continues to deny anything happened so that she wont have to face it. Even though charges have been filed with the police and one of the boys has admitted to his wrong doing. So in her struggle to be there "to protect her sons" as she says to my sister... she is denying her grandchildren and her daughters the right to be believed and supported.

I can't help but think of my own children, now that I am a mother. I have a 16 year old son who at this very moment will not talk to me or have anything to do with me, because I am living in America at the moment. While he lives with his father and brother in Australia. His Father and I are divorced and I am remarried. My son can not stand my new husband and feels he has taken me away from him, even though I have continued to send him gifts, messages, letters and called him on the phone when I have been able to. My other son continues to love me and understands I am coming home to Australia when it is God's timing but he has sent me here to learn some things and to do bible school. My eldest though has called me names, told me I am not his mother anymore, told his friends that his sister and I died in front of him, even though we're still alive. I found that one out on his facebook account. I can not contact him at all unless he sends me nasty words. I understand his anger right now though. So I lift him up in prayer instead of say anything that will hurt him. I respect his decision not to talk to him although I have access to see his facebook account and constantly check up on him. I trust that God will bring us back together and he will make our relationship new. I pray for him daily that God will protect him and keep him safe, and will not let him get into anything that God can not fix. I continue to love him, and send him letters and presents to tell him I love him and will always love him no matter what he says to me, or how much he's angry with me right now. To me that is a mother's love. There is nothing that boy could do that I would not forgive him for! There is nothing that would stop me from continuing to write and send letter telling him I love him and looking for a way for our relationship to be restored. So why is my mother so different? Why is it so easy for her to wipe off her children and grandchildren?

I feel like my mother was never there for me, not even when I was a child and I needed her. She hit me as a child, threw her ring at me and told me I might as well be married to my Dad, told me that is what I wanted anyway. But not once did she protect me or comfort me. She makes out like she's the victim and it's all happening to her. And is too busy trying to tell the world she has this picture perfect family and pretend like nothing wrong has happened, she can't see she's actually causing more hurt then the hurt of the abuse it'self. I feel angry at all of them, betrayed by all of them. I choose to forgive and love. But does that mean I have to have them in my life causing this roller coaster of pain and sorrow all the time or can I say no more and choose to not let them in my life or my daughters life while their paths are one of poison, pain and destruction?
And will it ever get easier to deal with?

[Mackenaw]

Hello Debzey

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis.

I am glad to see that you are reading the 14 Day Path (CCCC) Study. It is such a blessed study and it has helped hundreds of souls, myself included, to grow closer in their relationship with The Lord and His Word.

I am sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. (((hugs))) It is a difficult situation, but one that The Lord can and will help you through. Forgiveness is key. We are forgiven by The Lord by His blessed grace, unmerited favor, and He is helping us all to understand that blessed grace to it's fullness.

You stated about your own son:

There is nothing that boy could do that I would not forgive him for! There is nothing that would stop me from continuing to write and send letter telling him I love him and looking for a way for our relationship to be restored.

You stated about your mom:

So why is my mother so different?

Debzey, perhaps your mother is not so different. Perhaps she has forgiven her sons, just as you have stated about your own son "There is nothing that boy could do that I would not forgive him for!"

You are looking for proof of remorse, and an apology, and I do understand that; however, their remorse and apologies may be in a different form than you are wanting or expecting.

Continue to seek The Lord about it, and He will help you through it all. He truly loves you, Debzey. Continue, also, reading and fully embracing the Truths shared within the 14 Day Study.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[mlg]

Hello debzey01,

First I want to begin by saying...God understands you have had a lot of pain in your lifetime. He also loves you very much, and only wants the best for you. Sometimes we face trials in our life...and our trials can often plant a lifetime of sorrow on our soul if we allow it to be so. I believe I see a lot of anger towards your mom...and you have never fully forgiven your mom for not taking up for you that first day your dad did wrong things against you. You sought your mom to be the one who would reach out and stand up for you, and at that particular moment she did not...and that pain of her not doing so has allowed you to continue building pain on top of pain against your mom. I know you love your mom...I can see it in your shared words...but I wonder if you were to really truly forgive your mom...if maybe things might begin to change in your relationship with your mom. I'm not saying it will, but if you can look at your mom with more compassion and know that she is hurting also from all the pain over the years...and to see the failures of her own husband and sons through her eyes...maybe you would be able to understand why she hides so much from the truth...it's not the truth but the pain of the truth she hides from...She needs Jesus...just as you need Jesus...I pray you will be able to forgive your mom fully, to forgive your dad fully, to forgive your brothers fully and to allow Jesus to heal you from the inside. Just remember forgiveness does not mean what they did is right...or that they should do what they did again...or even be allowed into a situation that they could do something like they have again...but forgiveness sets you free...it takes the burdens of life from your shoulders and allows you to find peace and joy in this life once more.

My prayers are with you...may you feel His healing presence as He begins a work in you.

Take care and God Bless

[Dora]

My heart aches for you. I'm sorry for the pain you have had to endure. I pray you can find some comfort from this path you are on. Praying for you.

[dema]

There is so much in your post. So many layers. This is not simple. Praying.

[Dora]

Sometimes you have to allow yourself to get good and angry then complete forgiveness can come.