Christianity Oasis Forum

[trofywyf]

Ok where to even start? I have been married for almost 6 years. My husband and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs especially since, well in complete honesty since the day we got together. We have a 4 year old son and I am currently 4 or 5 months pregnant. (that depends on if you count pregnancy as 9 or 10 months which I find confusing and wish everyone would just agree on) Anyway I'm due in August. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage. They are 22 and 25. He also has a 3 month old. The whole story is crazy. He is 18 years older than me (hence the kids that are almost my age) and for a little over a year I had left him (hence the 3 month old).
I came here because next week I find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I know if I have a girl I will have some severe mental issues and thinking along that line made me decide if it's a girl I need counseling. Then it occurred to me that in all probability I just need counseling. I already have an entire mess of issues.

1) My parents split up before I was 2. That part isn't a big deal. I could not imagine my parents living together. That would be insane because they are polar opposites but it does bear into my real problems. My mother's boyfriend molested his daughter and me when I was 4. When my Dad found out the boyfriend was on heroin he took sole custody of my brother and me, soon after that my Mom completely bailed and I didn't see her again until I was 13. No one ever knew about the molestation.

2) For years I have carried a lot of guilt about not telling anyone what happened. Not so much for me, after all my Dad got me out of the situation, but for the boyfriend's daughter. I am trying to work through that. I have always known the molestation itself was not my fault but leaving her always felt like it was. I think in some way all victims feel guilt and that was my way of justifying feeling guilty for it. Does that even make sense?

3) For a long time I completely blocked it out. Just refused to think about it at all. Now sometimes I get angry about it. My Mom was molested when she was a child. Why didn't she recognize any signs in me or the other girl? Why, even not knowing, when faced with a choice between her boyfriend or her children she chose to stay with her boyfriend? My Dad has been a cop my entire life, why didn't he see anything wrong? And of course I blamed God. A lot more later on, but enough.

4) At 13 I 'met' my Mom and my brother and I moved in with her. She is a story unto herself. She lies, steals, has accused me of sleeping with any guy she has been with for as long as I have known her. And yes that includes when I was 13. She has tried to sleep with just about any guy I have been with. And yes that includes when I was 14. I also 'met' aunts, uncles, cousins, and a brother that I never knew I had.

5) At 16 (big surprise) I got pregnant. When I got to around 24 weeks (I wasn't allowed to go to a dr) I was gang raped by 4 of my Mom's friends. I don't remember any of that. I remember answering the door when they came over ( I was home alone) and the next thing is waking up in the hospital. I had a girl. They took her early because of the trauma. I have scars all over my body that I don't remember getting. She died with in a month.

6) by 18 I walked away from my parents. I thought I was doing well but I was into cocaine and got into a lot of fights. One day a friend of mine died in my drug deal. I had asked her to go because I was hooking up with a guy and she was to meet me later. She was shot in my place. I quit drugs and walked away from everyone I knew then.

7) 19 I got married to a drunk. We limped along for about 4 years and then I met my current husband.

So those are the past issues that I think will cause me problems with raising a daughter. I know I have a lot more current problems, but I think all of them still stem from the original ones. I am still an angry person. I don't get into any physical confrontations anymore but that's not the only way to be angry. I still get so depressed sometimes that it's hard to get up. I asked God into my life about a year ago and have made some huge strides in getting control since then. But I still don't sleep at night unless my husband is home. I still have an overwhelming paranoia about my son and child to be. I don't want to inflict my past on my children.

[mlg]

Welcome to Christianity Oasis Trofywyf! We are so delighted to have you here with us. I just read your story...and my heart goes out to you....You have been through a tough time...but what I want you to know is that there is healing for you...and you are on the path to receiving that healing. You did not deserve any of the things that have happened to you...and you should not carry around the blame and guilt of the past. You have to forgive yourself...and I know that's not easy...and will take a bit of time...but it's important...so very important....for you and your family.

I'm not sure if you have met Jesus...or how your relationship is with God....but I want to encourage you to begin seeking Him out...and His presence...when you do this...you will begin to see the Truth of things...and know that there is something better for you....a plan He has...to make your life one of joy...something I know you've been wanting a long time...I can feel it in your words.

My prayers are with you and yours.

Take care and God Bless

[Tam]

Welcome to Oasis
Yes you have had a hard time..but We serve a God who is more than enough. He can heal you from all the trauma in your life and He can help you to raise that little girl to be a sweet and loving lady.
Don't let your past experiences haunt you in raising her. Ask him to help and guide you along the way.
We are here for you. Would love to see you in chat sometimes.
Prayers are with you.

[trofywyf]

So today has been the same as any. I spoke to my Mom earlier today and she aggravated me. My husband's Mom aggravated me too. Some things that people do that I just don't get. Today is not going to be very long as I really don't feel like doing this but I did make the commitment to get all the way through the 14 days. Day 2 was talking to surround yourself with the positive things. Positive sayings and music. At least I think that's what it was saying. The sessions get a little wordy for me at times. I try to do that. The bulletin board over my computer is covered in pictures of the kids and some recovery principles and serenity prayer. I had my husband make a short list of things I do that make him happy and it's up there along with my calender of bible verses.

[Dora]

The bulletin board over my computer is covered in pictures of the kids and some recovery principles and serenity prayer. I had my husband make a short list of things I do that make him happy and it's up there along with my calender of bible verses.

That is really cool. Made me smile. Especially the list of things you do that make your husband happy, that he wrote.

Consider adding a list of things you do that make God happy.

Sis I hope you know, you are forgiven. You're not alone in this. There is healing and hope. You're on the right path with this program. You really are.

God really does love you and wants what is best for you.

As far as your parents must of knew. We may never know. It sounds like your mom has been through a tremendous amount of her own stuff that perhaps she couldn't see. I'm glad you are here now. Safe in His arms.

God bless and keep you.

[mlg]

I'm just delighted to see you came back to do the counseling steps...the steps you have began...and are determined to finish. I hope that you will use that same determination to have hope that you will begin to see the healing you seek....That you will believe that you can have joy and happiness in your life....that you will that God loves you and has only the best of plans for your life. Don't give up hope....hang on for the ride and things will improve.

Praying for you.

Take care and God Bless

[dema]

God loves you. We love you and want you to heal. Prayers going up.

May you feel God's loving touch on you as you work through your healing.

[deetu]

hi trofy, nice to meet you.
I read your post and second one and wondered if you are doing the counseling program that is here. Day by day, 14 days.
In case you didn't know, here it is. http://www.christianityoasis.com/cccc/forum.htm
If you reach a tough spot, don't stop and keep pushing thru. We are here not to judge but to help you.
Glad God brought you here

[momof3]

Hi Trofywyf, nice to meet you....and Im so glad the Lord led you here. Going through these steps will help you begin to see the truth about how God sees you. Take one day at a time and be patient with yourself. Thats a tough one, huh? Patience? I so totally understand that one. This is a journey...not something you will overcome in a day, a week....but rest in the fact that God promises healing and forgiveness when you seek Him. Dont give up. He has not and will not give up on you.

Trof, one thing you should allow your heart to believe is this: we live in an imperfect world. A world that is full of brokeness, sorrow and pain. It is passed down from generation to generation.The things that were passed on to you do not have to be passed on to a daughter you may have. There is only one hope..and that is in Jesus. As you walk this path..even when you dont feel like doing so, surrender...be honest with God and with yourself. The truth will set you free. I wish you could see you the way He sees you. Yes, He was there when all of these choices were made..either by you or another..but none of these choices caught Him off guard. None of these choices made Him love you any less. He created for a purpose and one day soon, those choices made will be used by Him to reach out to someone who is walking in the same place you are walking in now, only, you will be able to give them the same hope that was given to you by Him. I know, Ive been there. There is healing. There is grace. There is mercy..and there is hope. One day at a time. Just dont give up.

praying for you as you walk through this. It is soooo very worth it.

In Jesus,
love momo