Christianity Oasis Forum

[Dora]

Thought I'd share the notes from tonights meeting in the chat room...

These are borrowed from some material given to me this week and touched me so much I felt compelled to share with you all. I've added my own touch to it. I can take credit for all typos.

Shame is that burning in our faces when we think those around us have finally figured out how worthless we are.

We think we're inadequate or worthless.

It's when we hate to look anyone in the eye; when time seems to crawl and we wish we could disappear.

It makes us feel hopeless, helpless, and empty. Someone one has seen our real self and we're sure they're disgusted.

In families where there's much shame, people are busy struggling to survive emotionally.

They have little energy left to support or nurture others.

When someone expresses a need, the others resent it.

They fear there are not enough emotions to go around and they will somehow be cheated.

We all have basic needs including food, water, shelter, touch, attention, and sleep. When any of our needs is repeatedly paired with a shaming experience we become shame based. Each time we have one of those needs we feel shame. For example, people with eating disorders have been shamed for needing food.

"You're eating again," Someone says. "You're a a pig."

Each time the person needs food he will feel shameful about it; and each time he feels shame he will think of food.

Once we've become shame-based the shame is self-triggering. Each time someone pays attention to us, even in a positive way, we feel ashamed.


Many are from families who's rules supported shame. This means rules are reinforced in a shaming manner.

When we broke the rules we were shamed. Rather than being told we did a bad thing, we were told we were a bad person.

Such as when one spilled the milk he was shamed for spilling the milk. "You always spill your milk." "You have to have less milk than others because you will spill it." "I'm ashamed of you for spilling your milk."

The child thinks he/she will always spill their milk. They feel different.

Grows up still believing he/she is a milk spiller. Has chldren and fills their glasses half way because they must be milk spillers to.

When we do something bad we should feel guilty. Guilt brings us to where we will repent. Shame is when we continue to feel guilty even after repenting.

Guilt also prevents us from behaving in ways that we shouldn't.

In a guilt-based family the parent would tell the milk spiller mistakes are apart of being human; a mistake is only a mistake; not a reflection of someone's personal worth; damage can be repaired and forgiven.

The child is given a towel and taught how to clean up (undo) the mistake he/she made.

Behind addictions and bad habits is shame.

We can quit one addiction or habit just to begin another because the shame was never dealt with.

Feeling shame is like having a whole in our soul. compulsive behavior attempts to fill this hole, but with out success.

If we dislike ourselves before the compulsive behavior will will still dislike ourselves after.

Food, caffeine, tobacco, sex, masturbating, gambling, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, cutting are a few of these habits or addictions.

Consider a "Things I Do That I Don't Want To Do" List. Writing down all the things you do that you really don't want to do. While doing this, ask for and receive His forgiveness.

[dema]

My Bible study was talking about guilt and shame similarly. But, I don't like guilt either - even though it is a lot better than shame:

: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct
2a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach
3: a feeling of culpability for offenses

3. isn't too bad - feeling like you have to clean up your messes - which is what you described.But, so often "guilt" is definition 2. And that is ugly still. Just about shame.

I like definition 2 below.

con·vic·tion noun \kən-ˈvik-shən\
Definition of CONVICTION
1: the act or process of finding a person guilty of a crime especially in a court of law
2a : the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth b : the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth

And then you fix the error. Semantics maybe. But, I think that guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong. And shame is the feeling of being something wrong.

Conviction is more intellectual - knowing you did wrong, being forgiven of the wrong, making whatever amends are possible and moving on.

When I think of guilt, I picture a doggy hiding behind the sofa and a puddle by the front door. I don't think we should ever have to feel that way. (And I don't feel doggies feel shame - at least not in most cases.) Dogs can't do "conviction" - only grown-ups and mature children can.

Maybe they are just words - but I don't like the word "guilt".

[Dora]

dema

Praise God we don't have to carry any.

Keep in mind these are only the prewritten notes and don't include the discussion.