Christianity Oasis Forum

[tigerlily]

It beens a long time sine i last posted but its been a long time since ive gelt liek shsraing, well at least being honest about it. Recently ive been becoming depressed, feeling lonely, isolated, like im grieving even though no one has died, or just have no feelings at all yet been empty in side hurts so much, I don't think theres a nnight fone by where haven't cried myself to sleep, wanting to make myself hurt, wanting someone to hug me, to love me, someone to tell everything to, but there is on one im close enough to do that. This will be destroyed so no one at home will find it a nd ask me questions, the thought of people asking me questions and making me talk terrifires me more than the problem itself sometimes.
At school i had a best firend as most girls do, and the start we were good friends practically inseparable, but as we got older she began to realise that i didn't fit into the crowd and in the end she didn't want to be associated with me anymore so we parted compant, no arguments or anything we just chose different paths and different friends. We shared so much its a shame we don't talk anymore we could probably think up lots of memories between us. Anyway one way i didn't fit in was my quietness, I have an incredible shyness that could be represented as a barrier crushing down on myself and preventing the real me to come shining through, the barrier keeps me from knowing and accepting the love of those around me.
I hate it when people try to put me in a group, try to define who i am, by saying oh shes shy or whatever, it may be one part of me but its not all of me, im not an object to be filed away and I cant be defined from the dictionary so don't try to. Im unique, theres no toehr me, so don't merge me into a generic term of people, into a group, its drowning out God's creativity, putting us in groups trying to make us fit, God made everyone different, if he wanted us to be the same he'd have made us on a production line. I don't intend to fit so don't make me your fighting a losing battle.
Anyway back to the point im quiet. In secondary scholl Jenny used to point out not nicely that you haven't said a word all day except yes sir' just to show how much of a freak I was but people used to laugh at me by the way i spoke and i was scared if i spoke id be picked on i just wanted to fade away. Id spend a lot of time worrying about anwering the register, what would people think, how would they react, what would they say. I still worry about what people think.
I had another friend, Christina, from church we were friends when we were litter but then fell apart as wew ere in differenent classes at school, but then fell back together again and now she oneo fo myt closest friends. She was one of the1st people I could just chatter with, she made me feel normal again. Her Dad died while we were in year 11 and shamefully i wasn't there for her, i don't deserved the friendship she gave me, she is truely an amazing person. I would have given up with church a long time ago if I didn't have her friendship.
Church: ive been going to the same one since i was 3 and probably longer if my mum took me. Its like my home. Theres no one my age there other than chrissy but shes away at University now. Im used to it now but growing up in a church where they're not used to teenagers is hard, Its better now theres more youth there. As a lot of you know Sunday school teachers like to drum into you that jesus died to save us, maybe they shouldn't so much, it becomes a meaningless sentence, doesn't stir up any emotion. Its difficult to understand that faith is something separate to what your feeling thats my struggle, just to believe it with no feeling to go with it is difficult.
Now i come to an abrupt end, nothing else to share, im shy and quiet but don't brush me off, slow down in your rush and get know me 

[mlg]

Tiger hi there sis So good to see you posting and sharing thoughts. I see such wisdom in the words you shared here...and that my sister tells me you have really been growing.

I'm sorry you've had problems with friendships sis...I think we all do as friends come and go in our life...but God likes to bring us new friendships to replace the ones we loose...so go ahead and work on learning to be a friend and to accept a friend...God wants you to.

You know beneath all they shyness....or the barriers...is a beautiful young lady...one that I know needs to know she is cared about and loved...and my sister you are...as you are a blessing to us here at the Oasis.

Have a wonderful night sis.

luv ya

[momof3]

heya tigerlily...just wanted to say i love you lil sis. You arent alone. Are you gonna start the steps here again? Hope to get to talk to ya in chat soon. Keep going girl. You are so loved here.

in Jesus,
love momo