Christianity Oasis Forum

[Cali]

I always fall for the stupid ones. The bad ones. The mean ones. The ones who seem really smart when you first get to know them, but after spending a little time you quickly discover that green jello has a higher IQ than he does. The ones who seem really rebellious and strong on the outside but inside they cry like little girls.

I'm sorry if this offends any of you, but there are men like that out there. In plenty. I've been hurt by men like that. One in particular. I think maybe he's where the problem started. After he did what he did--broke my heart and laughed about it, like 5 years were all a big joke--I started to disconnect. I lost the friends I had. I lost my goals. I lost my pride and my hope. I lost everything. Even my faith. If you had asked me about my faith at the time I would have emphatically affirmed it. But I was all about appearances then. I guess I still am--as long as everyone thinks everything is ok, then everything is ok, right?

I've always been really good at hiding inside of myself. It's like I have a secret, inner shell inside myself that I can withdraw into when things get too hard. Over the past 2 years I've spent a lot of time there. And worse, I justified it. I thought that if people really wanted to see me--to know me, they would look. But no one ever did. Because no one ever did I started to think I was unworthy of knowing. I started to hate myself worse than I did before because I had nothing. I had no friends. No future. A past that I couldn't remember and a present that I didn't care to think of. I had a mom who thought she understood but didn't and a God who said He loved me and then walked away. Just like the above mentioned man did. But I think maybe the reason people didn't look, and didn't know me, wasn't because they didn't want to. It was because I wouldn't let them. I was convinced that if anyone saw me as I was/am, they would walk away laughing. Just like he did. I wasn't going to let that happen again. So I hid. Like a little girl afraid of the monsters under the bed.

Being wheelchair bound doesn't make this any easier. I know that it takes really special, special people to look at me and not see the wheels. I want to be looked at seen. Not looked at and viewed. My entire life I've thought this was impossible (yes, I've been in a wheelchair my entire life. Ask some time. I might tell you about it). I've always thought that when people look at me the first and only thing they see is the wheelchair. That might still be true in some cases. I mean people are the way they are, and only God can change that. But maybe it isn't true all the time. Maybe there are people who when they look at me they see me, not my mode of movement. Maybe it is possible. But there's a trick to this. In order for you to see me, I have to be willing to show you me. That means I can't hide inside of myself anymore. I haven't the first idea how to go about this. I've been hiding for so long, I don't know how not to anymore. I think maybe if I keep posting like this, being open and transparent, you'll see me for who I am. Not how I am.

[mlg]

And with tears of joy in my eyes...I type...you have blessed me today sis...because you have shared an inner part of you that you haven't shared before. My sweet sister, you have never deserved to be hurt by the actions or reactions of others. In fact, I can relate to so much of what you shared today. The hiding behind the wall...placing your heart where it can't be touched. I truly love others but I don't let people get too close. I'm extremely private and those who do know me and that I have allowed near...don't truly know who I am deep inside. Only God does.

One thing you said sis, was that you felt God had left you...this is the one thing that isn't true. God has never left your side. Maybe you didn't feel His presence at the time, and maybe you felt like he wasn't there because you were wanting Him to do something that He couldn't....but He has never left you nor forsaked you. He loves you more than the life of His only son.

May you know how dear you are to us here sis. We love you.



luv ya sis

[Tam]

Revanto thank you for sharing a part of your heart.
I would like to echo something that mog said
Jesus will never leave nor forsake you sis
Love ya

[realtmg]

AMEN!
This is God's pasture for hurting souls to come and graze. I came here hurting. I expressed myself as well as I could. I found God's love here and acceptance of my past and my failures. I found that God can and would use me if I allowed Him to.
These forums are to share the good and the bad.
I appreciate your honesty and I want To welcome to Oasis.
May God do what He has planned for you.

Luv ya

Real

[momof3]

I've always been really good at hiding inside of myself. It's like I have a secret, inner shell inside myself that I can withdraw into when things get too hard. Over the past 2 years I've spent a lot of time there. And worse, I justified it. I thought that if people really wanted to see me--to know me, they would look. But no one ever did. Because no one ever did I started to think I was unworthy of knowing. I started to hate myself worse than I did before because I had nothing. .....because I wouldn't let them. I was convinced that if anyone saw me as I was/am, they would walk away laughing.

oh, Revanto...i know that place so well. The one we hide in while those around us see only what we want them to see, so they will accept and love us...we can be anything they want us to be out there..but in that secret place, we are broken and sad, hopeless and ashamed...and feel that we are so alone. Sis, this is where the Lord meets us. These dark corners are where the light of His truth brings us freedom from the chains and bondages we or others have placed us in. This is where the battle is raging. You are more than you know. By revealing yourself here, you are allowing Him to bring you truth, and the truth will set you free. You have always been His child. You have always been called. You have always been loved by a God Who knew your inner-most secrets.

This is just the beginning sis....keep going and let Him show you how He sees you.

i love you.
in Jesus,
love momo

[deetu]

Oh rev, as I was reading this post, I was angry for you because you believed the lies that that guy told you. He was the one with the problems, not you. He had to belittle you to make himself look better in his own eyes.

rev, we all fell in love with you without knowing you were in a wheelchair. I looked forward to seeing you in the chat rooms and always checked your posts. I don't know why... just felt drawn to you. God knew. He probably knew that this was a starting place for you because we would accept you no matter what.

GREAT BIG ((HUG)) FOR YOU SWEETIE!!

[Christianity Oasis]

Quite the witty rascal ...

Wit is a branch from the tree of Wisdom.

It appears that looking for Mr. Goodbar is causing ya cavities ... You also seem to like your teeth.

Perhaps a lil re-direction of your talents (Spiritual Gifts) will bring forth what you seek.

Luv ya

[learningtoagape]

Thanks for your openess and honesty. I know how it feels to hide inside yourself. You go so deep that you don't even know who you are anymore. Thank God that God never leaves us even when we think he has hasn't. The Bible says that Jesus is never far from anyone of us. As for the guy I agree with what was written he doesn't love himself and has to put you down to make himself feel better.

Be blessed and don't give up!