Christianity Oasis Forum

[Oufan0001]

My husband and I have been together for about 7 years. It seems that we have had nothing but hard times for most of those years. Loss of jobs, financial difficulties, fertility issues, and health issues. When we first started dating he told me that as a llittle boy, he was sexually abused by someone in his church. Of course he was never "ok" with it, but he never acted out and really never talked about it again, and I believed that he had gotten help many years ago with this. Recently he has been having health issues, and they thought that he might have pancreatic cancer. He lost a lot of weight, and just really sick. During this time of being sick, he hasn't worked. Before he got sick he started his own company and we were finally to the place where we could get health insurance again, then this happened. The tests at first came back inconclusive, so they had to send it to another lab, then they came back as not cancer! I thought, praise God, now we can get him well and move on with our lives. In the 3 weeks since we got the good test results news, he has changed. He has gotten so angry. Angry at God, angry at the abuser from his childhood, angry at everything. He is spiraling out of control. He will get so angry that he leaves for hours...he has even stayed out all night. He says he's driving and sitting in his truck...but I don't know. It changes from day to day. I have caught him in lies recently. I just am lost. He somehow heard at the beginning of this year that the abuser had moved back to his hometown. Im not sure if this is one of the things that have set him off, but he keeps talking that if he beats him up he will feel better...that maybe a little justice will be served. He's not close with his parents because his mom was a pill popper, and his dad was too busy trying to hide it from the church and small town to pay attention to their children. When he told them about his abuse after it happened, they brushed it under the rug, and of course, hid it from the church and town. So of course he's very angry with his parents and said that he wrote them a letter about it all and told them of the damage that they caused by ignoring it. I don't know where the end in all this is.

I have tried and tried to get him to go to talk to a counselor, tried to get him to start going back to church with me. By his actions, and his words and his anger and his dissapearing acts, I'm not sure what to believe anymore. When I ask him, he get mad and leaves again. I don't know if I trust him anymore and I am scared that he's going to do something destructive...like actually beat this guy up, or do drugs. I have somehow found a little peace from God, but I am at my wits end though. I am not going to let him bring me down with him. After everything, this has wrecked our marriage. I am scared, worried, dissapointed, untrusting and MAD at him. I just don't know what to do.

[dema]

There is so much to this abuse. There is a little book that is a good start. Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children by Eliana Gil I just looked and you can get it on Amazon for $4. You might read it first. It will help you to understand.

Children don't understand. And when they try to talk about it, they start getting weird signals from adults. Children understand that there is something wrong with the intent of the adult before anything happens. And there is confusion between what they are being told and what they are sensing. There is confusion because adults should be good and protect and this is evil. But the adult denies that it is evil.

So, the child chokes it down. This comes at a price. Numbness attacks other aspects of their life. And then there are eruptions in response to triggers.

The answer is to dig it up, look at it, realize the evil of it, realize it wasn't the victim's fault, turn into a survivor instead of a victim. Weep, rage, and then forgive. Forgiveness is a spiritual relinquishment. He can press charges against the man if the statute isn't up. He can hire a detective and find other victims. He can work for legal justice. But spiritually, he needs to give it to God. Whether the man goes to prison or is free - that is God's responsibility.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to be judge and jury. God is judge and jury.

But he cannot forgive too quickly. He needs tears and anger and time. It will catch you unaware sometimes. I know this, and I still find myself wanting to get a sheep to forgive too soon. Forgiveness that isn't ripe doesn't take. The person needs to realize the full enormity of what happened and needs to purge themselves of all the pent up hurt and anger. This takes weeks, months - even a couple of years. The pain and anger should be changing, evolving. Bitterness is not growth.

It is good that he told you about it.

Please go to my posts and look at my posts on Shame and Contempt. And please get the book. And if you would like to talk more, you can PM me.