Christianity Oasis Forum

[donlaw]

Hello -

My name is Donna and I am currently in the middle of a divorce from my husband of 25 yrs. We have 5 kids and our marriage has been frought with anger, bitterness and resentment for most of the 25 yrs. I have started the stepping stone path and today, went through my email and some old ones I had sent him caught my eye. In many of them, I am pleading with him to love me or go to counseling or something....and this one is no different except that it came after I had written him following some soul searching and a heart felt, heart rendering apology for my misdeeds to him all of our years together.

This first note was after many letters like I described with the pleading, but God had really spoken to me...it was written in March 2011.

Bill -

I was reading the bible today and praying and then I found a website with some marriage articles and read one called "Becoming The Woman Of His Dreams".
It may be very late to say this and I am sorry I never have but as I read the article I became amazingly ashamed and convicted that I have been a very poor wife to you.

For all of my exclaming that you have been a poor husband, and that if only you would love me....things would have been different, I see how my lack of understanding and my own failures have harmed and damaged you. I am literally and utterly horrified by my own misdeeds and my own actions towards you and against you.

If you can at all ever forgive me, please forgive me for not placing you above all as number one in my heart and in my life. Forgive me for not keeping you and you alone in my heart second only to God. Forgive me for all the times I tore you down instead of encouraged you, and for not believing in you. I am sorry. Forgive me for not respecting you and trusting you.

I am sorry for so much that it cannot completely be put into words. I am sorry for hurting you and not seeing past all the times I felt that I was wronged and struck back instead of forgiving and loving you. Please know that I would do anything to take back the pain I have caused you and to make you know that I love you and I am deeply sorry. So deeply sorry.

Donna

This letter brought no response from my husband but I persevered at the time and approached him again a short time later with a face to face conversation and then the following letter written as well in March 2011...

Bill -

Based on our small amount of time talking last night I wanted to make a few points.

Haven't you ever felt truly ashamed of your actions or behaviors toward me? Not based on justification that I deserved it, but just because it was wrong for wrongs sake?

Can you honestly and literally say you have dealt with me fairly over the years? Regardless of my behavior and actions?
I am not accusing, nor trying to hurt you. I am simply saying that it is something to think about.

We have lived like this for so long, maybe you cannot think of any reason to live differently. And I know you think it would just be easier not to continue at all, and you are a man, a human being. You have feelings and you have needs. You cannot deny that. The same is true for me, I am a woman who has feelings and needs like any othe human being.

I too am tired and worn out. I have spent far too many years alone and feeling abandoned. I don't want this lifestyle any more than you do.

I want it over!

But I am not willing to just let our marriage go without exploring every option to change it and make things right.

I want you to consider an intervention of sorts.

There is a 3 day "seminar" that is for marriages in trouble. Now I know ours is in a far worse state than probably I have ever heard of but this program states that even if one or both spouses are not interested or if they feel ready to end the marriage, this can make a difference. They say they have saved 3 out of 4 marriages that attend even when a spouse doesn't want to save the marriage themselves.

They also have a money-back guarentee at the end of the 3 days if you do not feel that the program helped you or was worth it.

I am very interested in doing this as a "last ditch" effort and I would like to appeal to you that you do this with me in the same vain. That after 23 years and 5 children together, it is the least we owe each other and the children.

I am asking you to do this with me. I am asking you to give this your time and energy, even though you feel you are done because then you can say you have done absolutely everything and tried everything and have a clear conscience that you did indeed do all you could.

I feel this is of utmost importance and it is something that needs to be done soon. I want you to discuss this with me in person very soon.

I told you in my last note to you that I was convicted about my behavior towards you all of these years. I am indeed truly ashamed and truly sorry and would do anything to do it over, take it back and make it right.

I also though, do not intend to continue living with nothing. God does not intend for any of us to mistreat anyone. I want to whole-heartedly do what God would ask of me and I would not want to hurt or harm you in any way but, hold you up before Him.

I pray you can find it in your heart somewhere to forgive me even a little. And I pray that you will soften your heart towards me and find the grace to give me a little understanding and love and just a little of your time.

I found this analogy about why its important to attend church, and I find it a good analogy about a husband/wife relationship as well:

　
When you became a Christian, you formed an authentic personal relationship with Jesus. It is important, though, to also have authentic connections with other Christians. In a fireplace, many logs burn together. They create heat and warmth, but one log alone will quickly die out. Likewise, we too need other believers to keep our faith vibrant and growing. Churches are places where you can worship God and make Him the focus of your life with other like-minded individuals.

　
We are married, we have an authentic connection. But we have no warmth. The fire went out. We both have been alone too long and God is speaking to me that forgiveness and love cover and heal so much. Bill, I have been hurt for so long, and justified in your behavior or not, you have devastated me as I have you. I once again want to ask your forgiveness and give mine to you. I forgive you Bill. No matter how many years there have been of utter lonliness and hurt and pain, God has touched my heart and shown me that no matter what, I am going to be ok. He will take care of me, He will be my strength and my fortress. He will do that for you too Bill. God doesn't want to see you defeated and it breaks my heart to see you that way too. Knowing I had an upper hand in the breaking of your spirit and the killing of your joy shames me and breaks my heart completely.

I cannot speak enough to the healing power God can bring when you turn to him in all brokeness and allow him complete control. And I am not boasting in any way, I am not saying that all is overnight, suddenly well with me. I just have a peace lately Bill. Even in my pain and my hurt and my sorrow and shame, I have peace. I don't deserve it. I deserve the worst condemnation available to give, but God doesn't condemn me. And He doesn't condemn you. I don't condemn you. We, you and I, have been condemning each other for many years. We have taken a precious lifetime of opportunities and fellowship and held such strong anger that demanded only our own way, that it has eaten away at our hearts, our minds and our bodies.

I am praying for you Bill. Praying that you will feel God's love for you through me. He hasn't abandoned you. He is just waiting on you to ask Him to help, to make you feel again, to breathe life into your empty soul. He is waiting and wants you to have joy and purpose and peace. How can you have peace apart from Him? It is not possible. I am praying that you see Him in me, I am praying that you know and believe and feel that I forgive you completely for all of the years of pain between us. I forgive you for the present pain and the future pain to come as well. I love you Bill. I didn't realize that I really, literally LOVED you until my Heavenly Father showed me His love for you. He really has filled me with such a love for you. I have never know this before. I just weep at the loss of time and distance between us. I weep over your hurt and broken heart. I weep over the resignation that you feel when you said that you just feel nothing, you are dead inside. Oh, how painful my actions have been. I so badly want you to see that Jesus can touch you and with that one touch, bring healing and life back into your soul.

I am making you a priority in my life Bill, second only to the Lord. I believe there is a healing in store for you and I. I believe that with all humility. I am not trying to force anything on you, I am not demanding anything. I am offering something. And though you say that it can't all be made right in a week, or right away, what I am suggesting can be made a reality right away. It is a change of heart. Healing can take time, especially with the many layers of hurt we have heaped upon one another. But a change of heart, that is something that can honestly happen immediately. A commitment to God. That can happen immediately. A humble spirit, I bring before you Bill. A broken and contrite heart I bring to you. That is something you have never had from me and that is something God has placed in me. And in my humanity, though I may falter and make mistakes, my promise to you is that I will, out of respect, honor you and humble myself before God and before you to admit my wrongs and in love and forgiveness, walk a new path. I will walk in peace with you Bill not only because I love you, but because the Lord has called me to.

There is so much more I want to say but I want you to see more than hear that I care about you more than I ever have and I want only for you to be whole and filled with joy and peace. Even the kind that surpasses all understanding! Because Christ has made my heart and mind do such a complete 360. Because we have more than 23 years we have given of our lives together. Because until we are dead and buried, there is always a choice and a second chance.

I will do what it takes to make it right Bill. I will pay that price. Because ultimately, Jesus paid the price for us all and I have no right to do less. I am laying down my life. I am laying down my hurts. I am laying down my self...For not only God, but through Him, for you.
　
In the deepest humility, I say this to you, and in the deepest love, I pray for you.

Donna

Now I share these letters with you to show others that God can change a heart. Even though things did not work out the way I had hoped and I am divorcing my husband, there is hope for you if you allow God to work in your marriage. But it does take both people to want that. My prayer is that maybe, someone else out there can read these samples of what I tried to share with my husband and it will help them.

I made many mistakes and let anger and resentment take hold again some time after these letters were written. That is something I am ashamed of and have to get past. None of us are perfect and we all need our Heavenly Father to show us the way.

I hope and pray for anyone else out there going through a turmoil in their marriage to please ask the Lord to guide you and ask your spouse to do the same. If you BOTH allow God to speak to you then you will be able to overcome any obstacles in your way. Humbling ourselves before God and each other is the starting point. Unfortunately, my husband did not respond to this letter either. And we are now living in a daily battle zone and divorcing. I have been very angry and hurt and I have been feeling very lost and alone. But I had forgotten how I had once really and truly did love this man. Despite all the hurt and pain, I did love him.

I had stopped praying for my husband and haven't in a long time. But today, I am reminded that I NEED to pray for him. So I am pledging to do that here. Regardless of past hurts and regardless of the present situation of divorce, I had promised then to forgive him for past and future hurts and then took it back. So I am pledging here that I will again take up that cross and pray and forgive regardless of the response back.

God Bless you and be with you!