Day 2-re-edited rofl
Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 9:44 pmToday's page kinda bothered me a bit. While I understand and agree that one should not withhold themselves from their spouse...we are not our own...what if you arent withholding from your spouse? What if you believe that withholding yourself is game meant to hurt and cause division? What if he is still going out to find others to fulfill whatever he thinks isnt being fulfilled by his wife?.....or husband for that matter? What if the spirit of lust is at play and nothing will satisfy his/her urge to cheat? Could it be that these souls too, are searching for something to fill that void in their lives that only God can fill?
I admit....after years of putting up with hearing that his "ring fell of his finger and just happened to land in his pocket"
while he was out for the night and different stories of that sort, it got to the point where I didnt want my husband to touch me. I despised him. I despised his touch. I despised even the thought of him. And, I despised myself.
This is quite true...at least for me it was. Vengeance to me was not a thought. By the time I divorced I didnt care enough to take vengeance. I began looking everywhere...looking for someone to say that there wasnt anything wrong with me. I was pretty. I was loveable. I was worth being honest to. I had to prove to myself that I was not the reason he cheated. Pride? probably. Lonely? definately. Selfish and self-pleasing? absolutely. Shallow and vain? I defined it. It got to the point that as I was slowly giving up on love, after making several mistakes looking in the wrong places, I would almost be deceived into believing that anyone who was a christian might be the one for me. I wanted so desperately to find someone to fill the void in my sons' lives and in my life that I would listen to every sweet word...and that self-doubt was ever present. In giving myself over to seeking love in these wrong places, there was only more sin and more doubt, and more hurt. It was almost as if I would say to myself....well, you have nothing to lose....enjoy it while it lasts.....cause it won't last long.
Like I said in the beginning of this...it has been a very long journey..15 years now...and my thoughts and heart have been changed....but as for this page, page 2 in this study...this is where I was then. The Lord does bring healing when we find out that it is Him Who defines us, not man. Looking forward to step 3 tomorrow along this path. As for being single now...although Im not married, Im not alone. My heart is now seeking my First Love. That void is being filled every day. He has put a desire in my heart, I believe...and that will come to pass when He says I'm ready....In His time, in His will.
I believe that there are times when a spouse will play games with their husbands or wives by witholding themelves....for whatever reason. I also believe there are those who cheat because they too, are searching for something that can't be filled by another human being. There is forgiveness there, too. And healing.
till tomorrow..
I admit....after years of putting up with hearing that his "ring fell of his finger and just happened to land in his pocket"
while he was out for the night and different stories of that sort, it got to the point where I didnt want my husband to touch me. I despised him. I despised his touch. I despised even the thought of him. And, I despised myself.
Then after a period of fear, doubt, anger, misery, scorn and/or vengeance which has them make even more foolish choices, they discover that the void within is not being filled ... They begin to set forth to find love again. The past failure haunts them. If they have children, it is even worse because they have to defend their children's little hearts, as well as their own. It can become lonely and cause one to lose faith in themselves, others and even love itself
This is quite true...at least for me it was. Vengeance to me was not a thought. By the time I divorced I didnt care enough to take vengeance. I began looking everywhere...looking for someone to say that there wasnt anything wrong with me. I was pretty. I was loveable. I was worth being honest to. I had to prove to myself that I was not the reason he cheated. Pride? probably. Lonely? definately. Selfish and self-pleasing? absolutely. Shallow and vain? I defined it. It got to the point that as I was slowly giving up on love, after making several mistakes looking in the wrong places, I would almost be deceived into believing that anyone who was a christian might be the one for me. I wanted so desperately to find someone to fill the void in my sons' lives and in my life that I would listen to every sweet word...and that self-doubt was ever present. In giving myself over to seeking love in these wrong places, there was only more sin and more doubt, and more hurt. It was almost as if I would say to myself....well, you have nothing to lose....enjoy it while it lasts.....cause it won't last long.
Like I said in the beginning of this...it has been a very long journey..15 years now...and my thoughts and heart have been changed....but as for this page, page 2 in this study...this is where I was then. The Lord does bring healing when we find out that it is Him Who defines us, not man. Looking forward to step 3 tomorrow along this path. As for being single now...although Im not married, Im not alone. My heart is now seeking my First Love. That void is being filled every day. He has put a desire in my heart, I believe...and that will come to pass when He says I'm ready....In His time, in His will.
I believe that there are times when a spouse will play games with their husbands or wives by witholding themelves....for whatever reason. I also believe there are those who cheat because they too, are searching for something that can't be filled by another human being. There is forgiveness there, too. And healing.
till tomorrow..