Christianity Oasis Forum

[jayney]

I have just typed a really long post and when I clicked to submit it froze and disappeared. Strangely in my post I said I knew the Enemy had been at work in my life today.
My marriage has had more than its share of tough times but since I came here and started to build a relationship with God I have changed how I am and try really hard to be a good supportive wife. It seemed to be having a positive effect and my husband seemed happier. As we are both divorced I realised through reading on here that neither of us place enough value on our marriage and I am working really hard to change that, at least on my part.
His mother has been very ill and he found out today she is dying. He is devastated and knowing him as I do I worry that he really won't cope with it all. His mother despises me and has previously offered him money to buy a house on his own if he leaves me.
Talking to him tonight I realised that however much my attitude towards our marriage had changed, his hasn't. I know he is so upset about his MUm but he was so critical and dismissive.He has made it clear that whatever I do may not be enough if he is not happy enough. He has moved out before and has made it clear he would again if I don't live my life exacty how he wants it. Without listing things I have made many changes for his benefit over recent weeks.
How do I help him to place more value on our marriage. Its so hard not to react to his comments. I am trying to make plans for us for the future and it feels like I am trying to build them on sand, knowing they will crumble. He is not a christian or a believer. He always says he loves me but that love often feels limited and conditional and at times I question if he really feels any love at all? I suppose what I am asking is how to I get through the tough times ahead without it breaking us up. Can I make this work if I am the only one trying?The Enemy is at work, his mother was diagnosed today just as I was making plans to make big changes and move to an area that would make him very happy which has been an enormous struggle for me.I feel very hurt and drained and would appreciate any passages from the bible that are significant to my struggle. I love him but don't know if that will be enough. I have prayed hard over this all.I so want to be a good christian and have read many of the bible parts about marriage but don't know if this is something that I can change alone.
I want to support him through this tough time, we don't know yet how long his mum has but it won't be long.
How do I support him and protect our marriage from the Enemy.When his father died some years ago, the struggle of supporting him was nearly more than I could bear. The emotional toll was hard but I kept on because I knew however hard it was for me, he felt far worse. This time will be worse as his father was the only family member I had a good realtionship with. Whenever it comes to his family, in his eyes I become the enemy because they all feel so strongly against me.
I am praying to God for the strength to cope and the wisdom to know how to cope. Thank you God for bringing me here where I can get support and advice from Good people.

[dema]

Well, one of the first things is to let go and let God. Paul wrote not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but if you are already married to one and they want you to stay, stay - but if they want to leave - let them go. Where is that? If you ask, I will try to find it - maybe someone else here can give you chapter and verse.

You cannot make a marriage work on your own. God can change your husband - but there is free will. And God will not violate free will.

I wonder why you would plan a move for your husband that would make him happy without planning it with him. That brings up serious questions in my gut. Are you mothering your husband? You might pray about that. If you are, that may be turning his life into a triangle with two mothers fighting over him for attention. Just a question. If the answer is that that is wrong - then that is the answer. But, don't answer too quickly. Ask yourself - just as a question. A question like, "What color is the sky today - is it really blue? Or is it white or gray? Or is it changing?

Ask yourself questions about your relationship with that kind of tone - like it is the sky. You might be surprised at the answers you get from your heart that way.

Why do you want to stay married?

"Because we are supposed to." is one answer - but come up with others.

Why do you love your husband? Do you love him?

Why do you need your husband? Do you need him?

Why does he need you?

Is fear a major motivation in wanting to stay married?

Are people's opinions?

If you can ask questions and identify baggage in the relationship - then maybe you can unpack the bags. And hand the baggage to God piece by piece.

But, be willing to let God have control. That means that you aren't supposed to be fixing, fixing, fixing, doing, doing, doing.

God bless you.

[stillstanding]

i Cor 7:12-16 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife

[dema]

TY Sorta - that is it.

[stillstanding]

YW

much loves to you both

[jayney]

Thank you so much for your replies. THe Bible quote is exactly what I wanted to read. I do love my husband very much but he is weak, I have always known that. THe move wasn't planned without him, he has wanted it or a long time but I was unwilling to relocate away from my family. I went and looked around the area yesterday and made my decision that I would go where he wanted to go. I suppose I do MOther him, but that is who he is, the only time I have tried to focus on my needs and stop mothering him he moved out briefly. His own complex emotional issues mean that he needs constant adoration and to be my main and top priority.
I suppose I am fearful of being on my own and because I have been divorced I see it as a failure on my part that I couldn't do enough to make it work.
From the Bible quote you gave, does that mean that God will forgive me if I am unable to stay married as long as I have tried?
I will try and Let Go and Let God and see where he takes me.
Thank you all again.

[dema]

God will forgive you of anything. David was a murderer. Paul had been persecuting the church. God forgives when we go to him and profess that Jesus is Lord and that we pledge to serve him.

The Bible verse actually says that if your husband wants to leave, that you can let him go without needing forgiveness.

God loves you. Jesus died for your sins. Jesus came that you might have life and have it more abundantly.

Christianity is about an abundant life. A life of following Jesus and being better for it, happier for it, more fulfilled.

God loves you.

[jayney]

Its so tough right now. My marriage is falling apart. I am struggling as I don't know what to pray for, all my words seem to have dried up. I haven't slept properly for days. I love my husband very much but he is making it clear that nothing else in his life matters other than his mother, he is seriously considering moving in with her for however many months she has left.When I try to talk about our life together, our marriage he tells me it isn't important.
I want to support him but its hard. I am praying but I can't find the right words, I don't know what to pray for. I knew that in building a relationship with God I would have hard times as the enemy tries to pull me away but this is tougher than I thought.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hi Jayney,
I first wanted to tell you that the Holy spirit intercedes for us when we are at a loss for words
Luke 12:12 and Acts 2:4 shows this.
So remember that when you have no words the Holy Spirit is speaking for you
Yes the enemy will attack you harder now than ever because you are leaning on God and trusting Him
Go to the Lord and ask Him for rest and guidance and put your trust in Him to do what is right BUT be prepared for what answer He gives you it may or may not be the one you are wanting BUT He knows what is best.
I didn't recieve the answer I wanted almost a year and a half ago BUT I know He is right and even though I still to this day don't understand why I try not to question Him but just try to follow His lead, this morning I had a feeling to put a note on my facebook page for all our friends AND her to see, I was scared to death but I felt it was from God telling me to do it so I did, it basically said that I was sorry for how things turned out and that I didn't deserve the 14 years of happiness that God gave me with her and the 3 beautiful kids that God and her blessed me with and for others not to judge her because it was my fault the marriage failed and that she gave me the 14 most happy years of my life and that I was working on being the man God put me here to be.
I have yet to see what reaction it will get and don't really care, I know that sounds bad but I don't mean it that way I mean that I did what I felt He wanted me to do at the time and I don't really care one way or the other what anyone here on earth thinks about it because I believe in Him and trust His lead.
But I will tell you something I learned the hard way, you cannot make them love you back no matter how much you love them.
May God rain His love and tenderness down on you and show you the way He wants you to go
Cuc