Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Posted: **Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:15 pm**

Howdy O family...

Someone whose view I respect very much recently shared that the saddest thing I had ever said the them was that I wouldn't share through a journal.... (not those exact words but ya get the gist) considering all the conversations we have had and things shared... it really REALLY got my attention. Added to that, God has been sort of "urging" me to share recently and I've been so focused on "how" I've used it as an excuse not to..... Soooooooo I have been pondering this ever since.

In not sharing.... do I steal Glory from God? o.o Ahhhh! *Doh*

The truth is, I dunno what to "journal"...
I mean if I seriously share ALL the thoughts I have in a day... whew, the server would toss the white flag and run.... there isn't enough duct tape in the world to get it workin again.

Sooo, I cannot say this will be updated often nor do I have any clue what will be shared....

But, this is my leap

I am trying.

Peace n Luv in Christ,
*BlessYou*

Lani

Posted: **Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:35 pm**

Todays thoughts.....

Ever Wonder How God Feels?
OK... First! Yes I know God is all knowing, beyond understanding, above human limitations, thinking not my thinking...etc. But! Since we ALL humanize Him from time to time... I felt led to share the following:

I am sitting at work.... (yeah I sit, when it is Mandatory! notice I did NOT say "Still"

) working feverishly cuz well it is busy around here. I am alone today which I LUV but as a deadline fast approaches there is much to be completed. The pace at which I function goes into "overdrive" which is another sharing altogether.

So, I am working, mind on nothing specific... numbers (work), singing (in my head as always), wondering what son is up to at home, is mom ok, dinner, evening activities, ya know.. nothing and everything all at once.... aka Life :D

Suddenly, my thoughts sort of hushed, hard to explain but ya know when the door bell rings and ya aren't expecting anyone, the sudden silence (your ears ring cuz everything stops) yeah... like that

Clearly... I heard "Doubt ... Thomas"

"Huh?".... "Me?".... "Well yeah sometimes but..." and then the light bulb

You see, this morning, I awoke and greeting Papa and the day as I always do, I said:
"May the meditations of my heart and the words I speak please you today" adapted from Psalm 19

I then posed the answer I was seeking.... today that question was the topic for tomorrow's "Walk with Christ" program.
and, in the midst of my busy work, God answered.

Doubting Thomas! My mind began to race with ideas, thoughts, experience, things to share tomorrow night... You can imagine (awesome topic) so wow! TY Lord!!! *ohyeah*

the Lil dudes in my head were like.... "oh! sure she called 'that' overdrive... Uh huh, what do you call this Red"
God Speed

soooo move faster lol

(lil monsters best to keep em too busy to talk amongst themselves whew) but anyway...

So, then I got to thinkin... scary huh?;)

And I posed another question (regretting it as soon as it formed)
"Why does this always happen Papa? You can see that I am doin 50 things right now.....
AND I am telling You! If that phone rings one more time with nonsense, Ya best give me a 30 second dose of Laryngitis cuz if not.... shhhhhhhhh, "breathe Red" lol

So, I had my lil rant and .... Nothing... Silence, hmmmmmmm
Just as my thoughts begin to move again "Hello?", "Is this thing on?", "Well, guess He is done for now...Back to work"
"Why"... still echoing in my head as I get back to what I was doing and then....

"To see if you are really ready to listen"

o.o wow

Then I got to thinking.... how often do we ask questions of God? Personally.... hundreds of times a day.... at least.
How often do I stop to consider what else He is doing? Never... I just talk.

Yet, when He answers, I think.. why now? There is nothing I can do right now, I am at work... doing 50 other things at this moment... Why not this morning when I was in fellowship with you, with Only You. Why not at night, before I go to sleep when I pause for a while to enjoy your presence.... etc. My time vs His Time

if things happened when we deemed em "convenient" what would we learn?

While I am sure He can answer every single one of those questions, I realize the true blessing in this entire sharing is the fact that God is above our thoughts, understanding, and Ability. He is there, many know this... but so often when we do not get the answer we seek... when it doesn't fit our desires... we tend to say, "He didn't hear me".... hmmm

I rest fully in the knowledge that He can handle multiple conversations with His children at one time.

But, the next time I get "grrr" because He didn't answer immediately, not only will I stop to consider if there is room in the days activities for His input... I will also consider everything else He is working on and say "Thank you" for simply allowing me to share whenever my human understanding nudges me to.

I am ready to REALLY listen

Gods Will be Done.

Peace n Luv in Christ,
*BlessYou*

Lani

Posted: **Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:52 am**

Hmmmm for someone who don't know how to journal, I would say that you did pretty good.
You mean you can actually sit....even when it is manditory rofl

No seriously sis, I just love the way Papa seems to get your attention when you are going in 100 different directions. Nothing like a sudden halt huh.
Love ya
Keep Journaling

Posted: **Sat Apr 02, 2011 4:45 am**

Lani

awesome start and U thought u couldn't journal

It's amazing when ya get those light bulb moments.

GBU sis and i am looking forward to seeing more posts

Thanks for sharing
*hug5*

Posted: **Wed Apr 13, 2011 10:23 pm**

Hey Y'all... *Wave*

Where do I begin

Do ya ever thank God that the whole breathing thing is something we just do... no thought, no "work" on our part?
Then again... maybe it is just me... *dunno*

Well.... to say it has been nuts around here (my house) is the understatement of the year!

For those who do not know the following, a quick overview.

I have a special needs child... the details of which would drag this into a far from quick sharing. Make no mistake, I love this child with all my being. He has been a blessing since birth and I am honored for the opportunities I've had to be his mother. Now

someone remind me of that when he puts my keys in the dishwasher again next week.... uh huh that was today! anyway....

My mother, whew... my mind is spinning with all the potentials to post here... she is a challenge. My mother has been mentally unstable my entire life. My first memories of camp are centered around the truth that I was sent to camp because she needed to be in the hospital and no one wanted me to be effected by such. Also one of the reasons I was sent to live with my grandmother as a young child. I left home at 17 vowing NEVER to live with "that woman" again. Yeah... honor thy mother... I know! I was better able to honor her long distance and it worked... for some time

My father died when I was 19 having had enough of this world and all his struggles, he took his life.... following more "attempts" than I can count during my lifetime. The first I recall, I was 11 and we went out to dinner at a local Pizza shop. He had taken far too much of his medication and the effects of such began to show as we sat there. That was the first of many, Many failed attempts. This is something I always blamed myself for... if I did better he would be proud of me and would want to live. Perfectionist/Control Freak/Overachiever uh huh.. see my button?

When my father died, my mother sort of shut down. It was as though her mind could not accept the reality of life any longer... she "poofed".

Again, if you have seen the notebook.... it is kinda like that.

Long story short we lived far apart, visiting only a few times a year because most of the time, she had no clue who I was. Yeah, I ran...

God had been guiding me to take her back in. .... and VERY reluctantly, I did.
For the most part, it has been peaceful. Until today....

I finished work for Job #2 trying to transition into Job#3 mode.... to be greeted with...
*spit* What the *heck* is going on!? Yeah she didn't say heck but y'all get the point.

Uh ohhhh we are havin a bad afternoon apparently.

She wanted to know who had put her in a Day Care.... lg and his playing and noise often sounds like more than one child.

Anyway... she settled as did my son and our evening was able to continue.

A while later, after things had settled and I was finally able to breathe... a dear friend called.
Well, ya know the "voice of a trusted friend" deal... yeah I am sure the overload of info that followed was NOT what they were expecting. After I finished "venting" as I like to call it.... she said something that I truly grr at.
Basically she said I was a saint, in her eyes for all that is juggled in a day yet I maintain a positive outlook.

Well... I don't feel like a saint..... saint is about as far from how I feel as it could be.

I feel...... battle weary, tired on a level I could never fully explain. I have moments when I worry about these choices.... what is it doing to my son, my mother, me.... Moments when I am angry .... sad.... beaten.... overwhelmed... lost.... you name it.

I take care of her, despite the tumultuous relational dance we do each day because I love her. She is after all, my mother.

In this season of renewal and reflection... I find myself often pondering on Christ's walk toward the cross.
His prayer in Gethsemane, did he not want God to "take this cup"....
Yet He also knew.... this was God's Will and despite the pain He would endure, God would bring Him through it.
He faced something so insurmountable.... because of Love.

Should I not also endure my own trials (which pale in comparison) in the same way..... because of Love? HIS LOVE!

Now, the reason I tend not to share is.... I don't stay here in the heart tone that seems present in the above sharing.

These shared thoughts are what came to be after I had been crying because my mother spit on me, crying more cuz my son decided to wash my keys and because my dear friend tried to give me a compliment... (more on that 'issue' another time)

I am posting this to show you.... we all have moments of doubt, pain, struggle, hurt.... but we all have moments of triumph too.

Choosing to take that leap of faith and share is something I am still working on.

Thanks for reading

Peace n Luv in Christ,
*BlessYou*

Lani

Posted: **Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:41 am**

((((HUG))))
Your words always inspire me, Lani. Thank you!
Bless you...and your very clean car keys!
Love you!

Posted: **Fri Apr 15, 2011 8:15 pm**

Hey You.... *hug*

That was sooo amazingly awesome of You to share on that deep of a level. *ohyeah*

It is such a distance from Your usual "safeness" *run*

I really hope that You felt a lightening of Your spirits, a slight breath of relief, and the peace that goes with it. Even if it's momentary. *BigGrin*

I pray Papa leads Ya to keep em comin!!

May God continue to Bless You and Yours.
Luv Ya Sis!!
Wonder *hug*

Posted: **Wed Apr 27, 2011 11:29 am**

Knowing this about you I love you even more and respect you greater.

God bless and keep you and lg.

Posted: **Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:56 am**

Hiya O Family,
Yep.... still human

Been a while since I posted... never really sure what to say. I have realized, my reluctance to share is simply a manifestation of my need for control. When I share, I haven't any control over how my heart is perceived nor do I have control over what anyone says in response.... guess this just proves I need to do so to show God I trust Him.

Sooooooooooooo here goes...

What's goin on .... hmmm well, Mom is in a senior care center now, no I do not wish to talk about it at this time. Thank you all for prayers and understanding.

We have had a lot of thunderstorms lately. In truth, the weather has been really strange. We have had 3 tornado warnings in the past month... NOT common for my geographic location. But, since I enjoy watching thunderstorms from the safety of my patio... I have really enjoyed the opportunity to observe such.

This last storm took place a few days ago and I've been pondering on somethin ever since... figured I share

Ever watch a storm comin in... the sky goes from blue with scattered cotton ball clouds to thicker covering and finally gray to even down right gloomy smoke lookin blankets of clouds. I watched as the sun became completely obscured. As I continued to watch, the clouds themselves began churning, twisting upon one another with a very unwelcoming appearance. My son took notice and announced.... "Mama, the sun is gone!" I simply smiled at his innocence and said... "No worries, the sun always shines again." How easily I find words to comfort my child, yet I myself hear.

I then began a two day pondering on how very similar our own storms develop. Smooth Sailing, Clear Skies.... then a few innocent puffy cotton ball clouds come into view. This doesn't hinder our focus... we see em, we make a choice to send em on their way or allow em to stay.... perhaps some aren't necessarily "bad" and hey the sky looks like it could use some company anyway. Ahhhh but see, those innocent clouds can still filter the sunlight from time to time.

Then, we notice a storm cloud on the horizon.... it is coming, the choice is made to hold on for dear life or run... sometimes consciously some times subconsciously.. but made none the less. Now, we find ourselves in the center of the storm... unwelcoming smoke grey clouds are churning all around us and man alive where is the SON!? *Pray*

The clouds part just a bit... enough to let one ray of SonLight in.... ahhhh He is Back! **whew**

Well, not exactly.

He never moved..... we ok I simply chose to view the clouds and not beyond.

Just as the sun always rises... the SON always Shines.

For each of you, for the opportunity to stand together in faith as the storms pass, and for the chance to serve our Lord, I remain forever thankful.

Thanks for reading.

Peace n Luv in Christ,
*BlessYou*

Lani

Posted: **Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:24 am**

Hi Lani
yes just as you said we all have our storms some move in and gone with a quickness
others stay and even do damage, BUT just as the sUn does not move from the sky just the clouds come between us
The SON never leaves us either just sin and the devil comes between us, we must remember that He will ALWAYS see us through the storm, He is ALWAYS on the other side waiting for our view to clear and see clearly how much He loves us.
great post Lani
And prayers going up for you *Pray*

Cuc

Posted: **Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:43 pm**

Hey O Family *Wave*

Whew... where do I even begin?

For starters, lg (my son) is doing well following surgery... testing my patience like any other day so ..yep back to normal there

I have been going through a LOT lately.. man I tell ya cruddy irritates me!

Then, Monday... I reached my limit

Yep, I am still human (ugh)

Early Monday afternoon, a thunderstorm knocked out our electricity leaving us without power for over 5 hours... fun lol

LG did fine, thanks and praise went up that the "heat wave" had subsided some, with an outside temp of 74 we remained comfortable. LG played with legos.. yep those lil buggers where strewn all over my living room floor... and typically, upon clean up we missed one... uh huh FOUND IT! at 2 AM

Anyway...
I was able to log in to chat just after 9 Monday night, got to share some luv and send some hugs before "Walk with Christ" was to begin...

Then, at a few minutes to 10 my netbook officially became nothing more than a paperweight.

THAT was my breaking point... white flag went up... "Uncle" so to speak.

God is working through this and I hope to be back soon.

I have reached out to a few in an effort to find subs for upcoming Chat programs and sincerely apologize to all who were disappointed by the absence of "Walk with Christ" and "Building Faith" this week... it breaks my heart to think of any who were bummin as a result.

Well... I Just wanted to share with y'all so that no one wonders what happened to Lani

I will still check in for PM's and to peak at forums whenever possible and will be back in chat to bug y'all again soon.

Luv ya bunches more than ya know! Miss ya terribly.

*hug*

Peace n Luv in Christ,
*BlessYou*

Lani

Posted: **Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:41 pm**

There you are. You were missed. *hug5*

Glad to hear all is well. Or well.....even if it's not all well.....sounds like life is throwing you a few curve balls.....you're keeping it above water. *Pray*

God bless you.

*puts bandage on Lanis foot* *glares at lego*

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