Last night I had a dream I was standing at the dinning room table and I realized the toddlers were making some kind of gooey blue stuff and it was dumping all over. So I jumped in to help them. The goo was getting all over the books, papers, and every on the table. I stopped an wandered why there was so much stuff on the table. Then I turned to my kids to ask them to pick up anything that belonged to them and put it where it belongs and I noticed while the toddlers were making a gooey mess my kids were making a mess in the kitchen! I can't keep up. I can't read stories to toddlers and make blue goo with them and cook and take care of the paper work and and and and and....
I did down size. I quit a program. It was just incredibly to much. They were asking for way to much out of me. It's been two four weeks and I still have those little panics attacks that I have to do what they are asking. Then I remember I quit that program and am free from it now.
I put the Christmas things away today. I didn't want to but my son said we are the only family in town with our Christmas stuff still up. The toddlers enjoyed taking the ornaments off and helping me wrap them and put them away. After they were off there were a few candy canes left on the tree. They got to keep them for treats. Plus they each got to keep an ornament to take home. They were so excited.
I found the plug in to the winter wonder land scene so I plugged it in. I enjoyed watching the faces of the little ones as they watched the little parts light up, and turn. Their favorite part seemed to the be the little tiny merry go round with it's little horses. I left that out for them to enjoy.
My eyes teared as I wrapped the Thomas Kenkade snow scene my dad gave me. The little tiny horse that pulls the sleigh is missing. I remember when it broke. It's so delicate. I was so mad at my dad I just threw the dumb horse away. My dad didn't break it. But he gave it to me so I didn't want it. This year it seems extra special to me because I am so anxious to know him again as he is now. It was sad to wrap up the little snow scene and put it away. It seems like I had just gotten it out and now Christmas is over.
I debated on leaving the nativity scenes out. But decided they are safer from little hands and little paws if I put them away. The toddlers were watching the winter wonderland but stopped to watch me wrap up the nativity. One girls said she likes the baby Jesus even more than the winter wonderland. I had been feeling a bit blue and struggling with thoughts, many thoughts, and her words brought me a pause and a little smile. I think Jesus likes her words too. One of the small nativity scenes is missing baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I have no idea where they could have gone. Probably fell victim to the kitties curiosity. My mind wondered to a time when my children were little as I put away a little wooden nativity they had made. Even though the little lamb looks like an exploded cotton ball, the angels wings are cooked, the star seems to have lost it's shine, Mary looks to have a miniature dish towel on her head, and Josephs head fell off, it's my favorite one of all.
It's nap time here. My excuse that all must stop for a short time. It is my time to draw into myself, to breath, to rest, to deal with the mental things that have been after me all morning. Most of the time I put in ear buds and listen to music during this time. Today it's just silence. Music would only add to the noise with in.
I had allowed myself for just a moment to let go and accept something that made me feel as if I could fly. A tiny taste of what I most long for. For just a moment I believed. And so the battle grew fierce to keep me from feeling that again. Sometimes I am ashamed that I can't over come it. You know when we enter heaven we'll be accepted completely just as we are. No judgment. No condemnation. No whispering behind our backs. No more whispering inside our heads of what we didn't do, of what we did do, of what we can't do. Where we'll be loved as love is, not as what we've made it. A true perfect love between brothers and sisters. No hate. No lies. No damaged hearts or feelings. My heart cries for such a love. One day, it will be mine. One day it will be yours. I've seen it. I've felt it. For just very brief moments. But fear keeps me from it here. Where humans are human. And the evil side blinds us from seeing how we really are wrong when we are fighting so hard to prove we are right. Making us unable to feel the pain we are inflicting on others until days, weeks, months later when it begins to come into focus. By then, it's to late. The deed is done. Feelings and emotions carry on long after forgiveness has been put into place. And the wall is built with it's strong mortar to insure the heart is not jeopardized ever again. One day the walls will fall. We can't take our luggage, and we can't take our walls to our forever home where love will reign. ~Peace Be Still!~
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
John 10:28And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
29My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.