Pines Pages

[deetu]

[Dora]

thank you dee and kimby You both are such blessings to me.

Yesterday I just felt a bit weird. Struggling with a small infection. Perhaps that the reason I'm feeling under a grey cloud. Slept two hours in the middle of the day. Having weird weird dreams. Mostly filled with anxiety and having to do a truck load of stuff but not even knowing how or what. That's sorta how my days are. Learning to turn to Him even for keeping the simple things in life going smoothly. Instead of trying to take it all on my own.

[dema]

I think that sometimes we get sick because we won't give ourselves permission to rest otherwise.

There was one day when God told me quite clearly to take a sick day (I didn't have to go to work that day anyway) even though I wasn't sick. That I needed it.

There are many things that you do that are loving and wonderful and valuable that still could be skipped when you need to rest. Like making gooey pancakes and cleaning up all that mess. When you are exhausted. Give yourself permission to skip a few things.

You spend so much of yourself ministering to others. It is a beautiful thing.
But minister to you, too.

[Dora]

dema I'm definitely not making gooey pancakes today.

After the stressful day I have guitar lessons. Which can be stressful when she expects more of me than I feel capable of giving. But I almost always leave feeling good and having my mind filled with thoughts of how to practice a song or two. Those are moments when all the struggles around me seem to not matter.

[deetu]

That is sooo cool piney. I love how music is effecting you

[Dora]

Sometimes I get so scared of what today could be.

What if it all gets out of control.

You've seen the circus clown trying to juggle chairs and plates and and and and......

What if it comes crashing down and there I stand with the mess all around me.

I feel like I barely keep it all up in the air some times.

I don't know what is going to be tossed into the juggling act next. With out any notice, with out a moment to think.

Ta Dah! Before I can even type this, another thing to juggle has been tossed in. Up in the air it goes along with the rest.

I long for the day the clown can take a bow and retire to the dressing room.

[dema]

That is a lesson that has been a long time coming. And coming and coming.

The answer is, slow is fast, patience is virtue.... God is the great Choreographer.

Thank you Lord for Choreographing my steps. And you know, it is amazing how just enough lights will turn green, and just enough things will go right - remember the day that you thought would be so tough and it wasn't? Everything went right.

Satan will try to throw you a curve ball - IF you can be calm and say, "God is IN CONTROL - Thank you Jesus" and just go on... the curve ball will be a base run and everything will go just fine.

The challenge is realizing God IS in control. He is - anytime we let HIM drive.

[Dora]

ty dema sis

[Dora]

Last night I had a dream I was standing at the dinning room table and I realized the toddlers were making some kind of gooey blue stuff and it was dumping all over. So I jumped in to help them. The goo was getting all over the books, papers, and every on the table. I stopped an wandered why there was so much stuff on the table. Then I turned to my kids to ask them to pick up anything that belonged to them and put it where it belongs and I noticed while the toddlers were making a gooey mess my kids were making a mess in the kitchen! I can't keep up. I can't read stories to toddlers and make blue goo with them and cook and take care of the paper work and and and and and....

I did down size. I quit a program. It was just incredibly to much. They were asking for way to much out of me. It's been two four weeks and I still have those little panics attacks that I have to do what they are asking. Then I remember I quit that program and am free from it now.

I put the Christmas things away today. I didn't want to but my son said we are the only family in town with our Christmas stuff still up. The toddlers enjoyed taking the ornaments off and helping me wrap them and put them away. After they were off there were a few candy canes left on the tree. They got to keep them for treats. Plus they each got to keep an ornament to take home. They were so excited.

I found the plug in to the winter wonder land scene so I plugged it in. I enjoyed watching the faces of the little ones as they watched the little parts light up, and turn. Their favorite part seemed to the be the little tiny merry go round with it's little horses. I left that out for them to enjoy.

My eyes teared as I wrapped the Thomas Kenkade snow scene my dad gave me. The little tiny horse that pulls the sleigh is missing. I remember when it broke. It's so delicate. I was so mad at my dad I just threw the dumb horse away. My dad didn't break it. But he gave it to me so I didn't want it. This year it seems extra special to me because I am so anxious to know him again as he is now. It was sad to wrap up the little snow scene and put it away. It seems like I had just gotten it out and now Christmas is over.

I debated on leaving the nativity scenes out. But decided they are safer from little hands and little paws if I put them away. The toddlers were watching the winter wonderland but stopped to watch me wrap up the nativity. One girls said she likes the baby Jesus even more than the winter wonderland. I had been feeling a bit blue and struggling with thoughts, many thoughts, and her words brought me a pause and a little smile. I think Jesus likes her words too. One of the small nativity scenes is missing baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I have no idea where they could have gone. Probably fell victim to the kitties curiosity. My mind wondered to a time when my children were little as I put away a little wooden nativity they had made. Even though the little lamb looks like an exploded cotton ball, the angels wings are cooked, the star seems to have lost it's shine, Mary looks to have a miniature dish towel on her head, and Josephs head fell off, it's my favorite one of all.

It's nap time here. My excuse that all must stop for a short time. It is my time to draw into myself, to breath, to rest, to deal with the mental things that have been after me all morning. Most of the time I put in ear buds and listen to music during this time. Today it's just silence. Music would only add to the noise with in.

I had allowed myself for just a moment to let go and accept something that made me feel as if I could fly. A tiny taste of what I most long for. For just a moment I believed. And so the battle grew fierce to keep me from feeling that again. Sometimes I am ashamed that I can't over come it. You know when we enter heaven we'll be accepted completely just as we are. No judgment. No condemnation. No whispering behind our backs. No more whispering inside our heads of what we didn't do, of what we did do, of what we can't do. Where we'll be loved as love is, not as what we've made it. A true perfect love between brothers and sisters. No hate. No lies. No damaged hearts or feelings. My heart cries for such a love. One day, it will be mine. One day it will be yours. I've seen it. I've felt it. For just very brief moments. But fear keeps me from it here. Where humans are human. And the evil side blinds us from seeing how we really are wrong when we are fighting so hard to prove we are right. Making us unable to feel the pain we are inflicting on others until days, weeks, months later when it begins to come into focus. By then, it's to late. The deed is done. Feelings and emotions carry on long after forgiveness has been put into place. And the wall is built with it's strong mortar to insure the heart is not jeopardized ever again. One day the walls will fall. We can't take our luggage, and we can't take our walls to our forever home where love will reign. ~Peace Be Still!~

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

John 10:28And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
29My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

[Dora]

The battle is nearly over for a time. At least it's not over whelming. I slept like an angel last night. Wait! Do angels sleep? Well anyway I had a blessed nights rest. First time in a while I didn't have bad dreams or been woken by something that turns into nothing as soon as I get my eyes opened completely. If that makes any since to you.

What's the chances that I post about a struggle and find rest from the battle? There is no chance that the battle could just stop, unless someone prayed.

This is the only place I shared my struggle so to the one that prayed, Thanks. You've no idea how much I care about you. There will be a day when the battle is completely over. Time and space won't keep up apart. And we can enjoy each others company and share that perfect love.

I found a root. A deep ugly bitter root. I'm certain God wants it removed but honestly I have no idea how I can even begin to get rid of it. I do know the answer is Jesus. He'll tend to all things in His time. Sometimes the tending gets ugly before it gets pretty. I hope this doesn't get ugly. Every time I feel hurt I feed that thing. It's not just getting miracle grow but steak and lobster. I need an ax and a shovel and maybe some dynamite. I have seen it before. This big ugly root. But I put it on ignore.

[Dora]

Man I'm on a spiritual high one minute and he whispers something that causes me to worry and fear. I once would of collapsed under all this, but I'm still standing. Tired of it and tired of trying to renew and fight but I'm still standing! Only because I can turn to Him.

[xxJILLxx]

Thank u Lord for all of our blessings! Thank u Lord for upholding us at all times! Thank u Lord for our sister!

God bless u gurly

love,
Jill