I've tried journaling a few times and just don't hit submit. It seems everything I write is about others and how their actions and decisions have effected me.
The rest seems to just be drama. In the past week, my niece (age 2) nearly died and had to be given rescue breathes and rushed to the hospital, my sister who works at the pharmacy had her life threatened if she didn't fill a prescription that by doctors orders wasn't to be filled before next week, and grandpa passed leaving a huge void in my life.
Spending every moment I could at the hospital and much prayer and thought towards him has left me feeling empty.
Others snipping at me has made me want to crawl in a hole. Someone raised their voice at me today because I didn't know where the funeral was. How are they suppose to go so to support cubby if I don't have this information! I'd think they could consider just calling back or letting cubby call them but they found it more fitting to raise their voice at me for inconveniencing them by my not knowing where the funeral is. Well I now know and cubby can call them back. I'd rather they not come.
Cubby got to float his truck today. Which means he drove his truck onto a barge and floated across lake Huron to Mackenaw Island. Where the truck can only be parked on a doc there. As no vehicles are allowed on the Island. Everything there is done by horse.
The wind was high. The waves were over his trucks hood. I guess it's good I forgot he was floating or I'd of been in stitches worrying. While floating cubby was in the pilots house talking to the captain. He looked at his truck and said to the captain, "I guess I should of set my brakes." The captains mouth dropped and he swung around thinking cubbys truck was rolling off the barge into the water. Cubby laughed and asked him why he looked. His brakes were set and his truck was fine. The captain told him he owed him $25.00 for the truck wash. The waves were so high they washed his truck off.
Then he came up on an accident. No one was hurt. He wasn't involved. He showed me what happened, using hot wheels.
Cubby is playing with hot wheels.
Sammy has behaved absolutely terrible today. If every day was like this I don't think I could continue.
Yesterday we went to the lake. There is two streams that we had to cross. We used the bridges. My youngest jumped in the stream then swam across, then the second stream he did the same. Sammy walked up to the first stream to follow my youngest across, stuck his toe in, paced back and forth then took the bridge, then the second stream he wadded into it and walked across with a smile on his face. Was sorta like watching a puppy.
Tomorrow he goes to a friends house for a play date while we go to the funeral. I hope, and pray he behaves for them. If he acts like he did today, he may never get to have another play date. I made him take a nap today. He just woke up. I hope he's feeling better and ready to behave.
Well here I am at the end of another long journal that holds mostly what others have done or did.
Where am I with in all this. To the point of feeling depressed. There is a huge rose blossoming. Only one. Just out the window speckled with kid prints, past the yard filled with toddler toys and sand there's the huge red rose. Facing directly towards me. As if to say I'm here amongst all this stuff. Just beyond all this business, work, and issues. Still standing. Inside I keep feeling like I want to just sell everything, buy a tent and disappear. My thoughts are negative. I seem easily hurt right now. I woke this morning with the same feeling that I've got to do another day. With all the garbage it brings. I said to the Lord do you even want this day. He seemed anxious to take it. Yet by noon I was asking why in the world He would ever want it. He knew what the day was going to hold. I'm off to mush carrots for the baby and sit in the sun near the rose while the kids play in the sandbox.
Cubby is talking about a trip to Missouri for Thanksgiving.
I just don't know if I want to go. It seems they are happy to see me for a day or two then they start remembering reasons to be upset at me. I miss my mom though and she doesn't ever bring up the past. Hers or mine. She's honestly the sweetest person in the world. I would love to spend some time with her. With my sisters as well, just I don't look forward to spending to much time there. Not sure I really want to return to the scene again either.