Pines Pages

[Dora]

Thank you both.

It is storming today. A real good down pouring rain with thunder and lightening.

I love the sound of the rain pitter pattering on the porch. Is pitter pattering a real word?

I love the way the grass greens and the buds on the trees seem to open before my eyes during the storm.

The birds make quick darts out of the huge pine tree to grab a bite from the cabin bird house.

Something that appeared to be a orio stopped and seemed to look in at me as I was looking out at him.

He seemed to look up at the clouds then back at me. Before he retreated into the thickness of the greenery for cover it seemed as if he was saying, "This will pass."

Then with a turn of his little head and a hop hop hop, he was gone. I'm certain he is there, very close by, I just can't see him from the thick pine needles.

The red tulips bending over from the weight of the rain stand out against the brown wood chips. There's something about tulips that give me hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I lit an oil lamp in the corner of the room. I love the warm comfy feeling they bring. I sometimes wish the entire house was lit with oil lamps instead of electric. But then I remember reading by the oil lamp and how it puts stress on my eyes and I'm thankful for electricity again.

His word is a refuge. My mind is so difficult to keep from slipping into thinking about depressing things that I turn to His word through out the day, nearly every day. Sometimes just a chapter, sometimes He has me floating from one chapter to another to another. Always it brings comfort and focus. It feels so good with in that I want to share. I often post in the shout box. His word is so good. It brings just what we need. Peace, comfort, love, acceptance, hope, faith, and even rebuking. When He rebukes me it's always in such a gentle way. He is a Father who loves so much that I want to curl up with in His arms even when He has rebuked me. I know with out a doubt that He loves me because of the way He rebukes me.

[sbennett]

You made me think of something sweet reading this. My grandmother always kept her bible open on her kitchen table and as she went through her day she would often stop and read a passage here and there. Its one of the best memeories I have of her. Thanks for bringing that to my mind as I read your post. Luv ya!!

[Dora]

Hey that's really cool!!! Love you 2

[Dora]

I've been realizing that I'm working for the kingdom of God not because He's called me but because I'm trying to earn my citizenship. Working harder than the average person so that perhaps when I get there maybe for a moment God will take notice. I don't expect to ever be important enough to earn a front row seat for my work here. So I work harder. To be some body. So I can be loved and accepted by Him. I remember dad rewarding my sister for something she did. The love and acceptance he gave her. Then turned and looked down at me, he said something about if I were to work harder maybe I could earn his approval too.

I was asked to join 3 committees at church this past winter. I told them all no. Was treated like I was rejecting God by all the leaders from each committee each time I did. I was asked to lead a group and said sure I can do that. Then realized He hadn't called me to that. So I said no. The pastor sighed and glared at me. I explained why I couldn't and he put his arm around me and said it would be alright and completely rejected my no. Later he approached me to talk about this group I'd lead and I said I had told him I couldn't do it. I directed him to someone much more capable. He just looked frustrated at me and walked away. As long as I am his servant I am shown love and acceptance. I have to admit it causes me to pull away and put up walls of protection from everyone. I would rather serve quietly where no one sees me than to be lifted up by someone because of my service then dropped when I didn't please them. It hardens the heart. It is basically what dad did on an adult level. Playing with my desire to be loved and accepted to get me to conform to what they want from me.

It's very frustrating to disappoint people. I question my self worth and struggling with feeling rejected and unloved. As long as I am giving I am loved and accepted. As soon as I stop to rest I disappoint people. I was never trying to please them in the first place. I had not accepted that they loved or cared about me. Then when it was removed from me I felt a panic inside to do what they ask so to get it back. What if they never talked to me again. What if the pastor never hugged me again (one of the very I like to get hugs from), what if he never smiled at me again. Then I began to feel as if I were less and not belonging to His church. Yet I feel it's in those resting times that I am pleasing God most. Giving doesn't make me who I am. He makes me who I am. Just in being me.

Perhaps I'm missing the real mission God has for me because I'm so busy with all these other things. They are good things. But busyness isn't what He asks from us. I am reminded of Martha. How preparing a meal was a good thing. But Jesus was pleased that Mary knew what was greater.

Working seems to come so naturally to me. I enjoy taking care of people and giving and doing things that bring others joy. I love helping others connect with God. But if it's for that temporary moment of being somebody, then it's not for Him and it's not cause I'm called to it.

Matthew 25:31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

Every where we look there is someone hungry, thirst, or imprisoned by their past or present life style. Yet I'm not called to feed, clothe, and visit the world. Only those He asks me to. What if I miss one and He says I was hungry and you turned your back on me because you felt you weren't called to them.

This group the pastor wanted me to teach could potentially reach hundred of people. But it was very clear this is not for me to do. To see someone in need and not reach I feel one has to let their heart grow just slightly cold. And we are warned this will happen. Perhaps the needs around us will grow so numerous our hearts will grow cold at least slightly. Feeling their pain hurts. It's not as comfortable as pretending all is well.

It is very difficult and very confusing to know what He has called a person to when the need for workers is very clearly visible. During this time of seeing people pull away from me because I choose to not conform to what they want I'm finding myself becoming impatient and snippy. I find it harder to not say things that are on my mind, not necessary things that are true, but things I think. Perhaps it is because I feel love has been removed from me and I'm not accepted. I can not conform any longer to what anyone want from me. I must seek Him and conform to what He wants. Even if it means being seen as less important in the eyes of others. I am certain people who have a good example of an earthly father has a better grasp on this. I have accepted that I have a lot of mixed up emotions because of my childhood. Some that may never be put into proper place, until I leave this world. All I can do is carry on.

Well these were my thoughts this morning. They are liable to change soon.

[dema]

I agree with what you said about the issues of saying no and the need to be able to do so anyway. But a little birdy keeps asking me if you really said, "No" all those times because you felt God's blessing wasn't on it or if you said no at least one of those times because you cannot picture yourself as a leader. I wonder if it wasn't fear that stopped you rather than words from God. If it wasn't a counterfeit.

Like I said, it is a niggle in my gut - no proof. Everything you say sounds right - but the niggle just keeps niggling along anyway.

And, while it sounds good to say, "Even if it makes me less important in the eyes of others" I don't think that is the issue at all.

I think the issue is that God might make you appear MORE important in the eyes of others and that is the great issue here.

What you wrote sounds so perfect, Pine, but my spirit is saying, "No,NO, NO!" Tell her she needs to accept being important. Pine needs to accept promotion. She needs to allow God to put her in the good seats - it is one thing to go in and take one of the lower seats - but when God says, "Come, sit up here!" then you need to follow Him and sit where he puts you.

I'm quite sure you need to say no quite a lot. I agree so much with what you said in theory. But, Pine, you need to quit saying no to the higher seats. And learning discernment - about not helping everyone - is a very important (and totally painful) task. God worked on me with it through my being a boss.

God bless you.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hi Pine,
I have to say I see where dema is going, because I have seen that same thing in you
you tend to belittle yourself as not worthy of something or not capable of doing something and I for one have seen in your post and your story YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN THAT CAN HANDLE MORE THAN SHE KNOWS!!
You have been through SO much and yet you still have 10 times the spirit than some that have had it easy.
There is no doubt you passed ATLEAST one of those openings that was ALL YOU!!
BUT you are the one that has to feel it we can all tell you until we are blue in the face but you are the only one to know.
Just an F.Y.I. i was part of the youth group and we did a segregated (boys & girls) class for true love waits class and a male teacher was needed.....NO absolutely not!!! yes I stepped into this spot and felt SO OUT OF PLACE and just knew the boys wouldn't accept me BUT I found that I connected well with them and they even asked me later when I was going to teach again WOW!!! I went to God before the class started and asked Him if it was not meant for me to do it PLEASE send someone to take this place so I wouldn't have to....guess what.....nobody showed up.
So I guess what I'm saying is next time one of these doors open BEFORE you count yourself out go to God and ask Him to make it clear one way or the other, I always ask Him to make it clear because I'm a little slow at catching hints so slap me in the face with a clear answer so I can't deny it.
I pray God shows you just how important you are in His army and gives you the confidence to see it.
God bless you sis, with MUCH love AND respect.
Cuc

[Dora]

You are right dema and CUC. Each position I turned down was due to inadequacies with in me. I remember as a teen when I would work so hard and accomplish so much and just before I earned a reward I would completely stop. I would tell myself it's not for me. People would get so frustrated at me because they could see how close I was to earning this award and no matter how much they encouraged me I wouldn't budge. I sabotaged myself from receiving rewards.

After I posted I began seeing how perhaps my thoughts were not from God at all but the enemy. Now I'm questioning everything I do. There appears nothing I do is done for God but for that feeling I get inside of self worth and importance. It is very confusing. Yet when I post to people here, it's because I feel their pain. I stop and ask God should I reach and so often I hear, "Wouldn't you want to be reached." Or often the parable of the sheep and goats comes to mind. If I don't reach out to someone that is in their own person prison or starving for His word, It is not only them I don't reach out to but it's Jesus. So Perhaps some of what I do isn't self motivated, but motivated out of love for Him and love He gives me for them. That is where I want to be. Doing things because I love Him, not because I'll let someone down. Or because of fear of being rejected when I do get to heaven. Or even fear of being rejected by humans here on earth.

I didn't call my mother for mothers day. I do feel guilty over this. Every day I go to pick up the phone to call her. But I can not handle it emotionally. I'm so exhausted. I know she won't be hurt that I didn't call. Just as I don't hurt that she doesn't call me on my birthday or Christmas very often. I have every letter and card she has ever sent me tied in a yellow ribbon in my top drawer. Except an Easter card she just sent me this past Easter. When I opened the envelope and pulled out the cross shaped card I cried. My mother, who has suffered so much and questioned Gods love because of it has wrapped him around herself and takes every step of her day with her thoughts on him. And this past Easter sent a little portion of this to me in an envelope. I had sent her the exact card. Interesting how we chose the same card for each other. That one little affection from her will carry me in her love for many months. Why will something so small from this person cause me to be so secure in her love when others can pour more and more and more love into me and yet I can not feel safe in it. I can not trust it will always be there or that it's even real. Perhaps it is because of what we survived together, my mother and me.

So once again, failure as a daughter because I didn't call, write, or send anything.

I don't want to see myself as important. I have moments were I accept I did something that made a small difference in someones day. To be important is a scary thought. Important people go away and never come back. I don't know where that came from. Except that dad left. I don't know if divorce effects every child this way or if it was just because he ripped through our lives with his painfully harsh word and actions. For nearly 20 years when someone would ask me how old my dad was, I would say he is 42. When he turned 60 I realized I had kept him at 42, the age he was when he left us. Amazing I don't remember how old I was, but I remember how old he was.


I've deleted a lot again, but it's been very helpful to type it out and think about it.

[Dora]

While I was typing I saw something out of the corner of my eye. When I looked up it appeared to be a white flash. I see these often. I thought it was an angel. Then I began to doubt. Probably what I see is just my eyes playing tricks on me. Then my eyes focused on this tiny little feather floating from where this light was. It was so tiny it could of been easily missed. Ever realize how much effort it takes to doubt in such things?

[dema]

The same things you say about serving people here is true about serving people in your church. Do it for Jesus.

[Dora]

Thank you Dema. Perhaps what I need to do is weed out of my life anything that doesn't bring me that feeling.

[Dora]

To stay in the guilt and shame of the sins we have committed or the sins committed against us would seem to be the same as keeping Him on the cross.

Just as I would want Him as He is now, down from the cross, healed, and living life as His Father desires, He would want me to stand up, brush off the dirt and live life to the fullness that He has offered me.

I don't know if this makes any since to anyone else.

Last night I was looking for an avatar. The one I picked out isn't quiet the one I wanted. But close. As I looked at the woman all dirty, scraped up, hurting, and humbled I heard, "She needs to get up." Like a story it unfolded before my eyes. Him hanging on the cross for her. Hanging there and hanging there and hanging there because she wouldn't get up. When she finally stood, she was instantly clean and healed and so was Jesus. As soon as she stood He came off the cross. Because she chose what He had to offer her.

[stillstanding]

Because she chose what He had to offer her.

\o/
AMEN! God is so good!
Love you ,sis