Pines Pages

by **xxJILLxx** » Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:52 pm

Sounds like you had a wonderful weekend thus far! You deserve every bit of it sis. Cant wait til u post yr beautiful flower pics this spring.

Have a blessed Resurrection Day in Him!

God bless
♥Jill

by **Dora** » Sun Apr 24, 2011 6:29 pm

Thank you Jill! Such a sweet thing to say.

Today was a beautiful day. Breakfast at church. Yummy. An extra hour to fellowship. I had many pleasant conversations. My mind kept wanting to focus on the trouble in my life and my mouth wanted to scream about it so someone would somehow take the troubles away magically and make everything ok, right then and there. Silly girl, do you not yet know, God is in control. With just a little faith and trust, I can enjoy my days here on earth.

I called home. Was so pleasant talking to my family. Then I told my sister my struggles. And she responded do you want to talk to mom now. I thought, ugh, she didn't magically fix my problem and even passed me off to mom. Why did I share! Sometimes it's just so hard not to let the struggles come out when you really shouldn't. Everyone is happily and busily celebrating in the risen Savior, now is not the time. But I did. I suppose to her it didn't seem like a big deal. But to me it's huge.

I talked to my niece who understands. It felt so good to have someone say, this is what it is and this is how crazy it can get. The right person at the right time can bring so much comfort in so few words.

We went to my in-laws for dinner. It was sooooooo nice. We had a terrific time and stayed for hours. I had 131 plastic eggs and hid them all over the fields. Handed Sammy a bag and said if you want to find Easter eggs they are in these fields and there are 131 of them. It took him the entire afternoon. But he found everyone. I may see if he wants to do that again tomorrow! *BigGrin*

He will be relocated to a new home very soon. I believe his time here was used by God to reveal the extreme needs and issues he has.

Snowflower graduates this year. Trying to plan a graduation party but I really stink at this sort of stuff and I really stress out. Already stressing over it. I like everything perfect and all my ducks need to be in a row weeks before. Invitations and gown is in. Senior pictures! *Yikes*

I tried and tried and couldn't find anyone available! It's nuts. And so sad.

I've taken a bazillion pictures of her and we can't find one we agree on. I keep saying it's not the end of the world. Cubby says I take on to much at one time. I think I stress him out by thinking ahead to much.

Guitar lessons have started again after my instructors first bought of chemo. Tomorrow will be the second lesson after her first chemo treatment. She has not begun private lessons back since being diagnosed. I took her chicken and dumplings last Wednesday. It makes me smile every time I remember how her face lit up when she saw me standing in her home offering her dinner. She tends to her elderly parents. So to have someone fix her a meal takes the burden of feeding them off her shoulders. She's so sweet. And her parents are adorable. I took two songs to the group last Monday and they loved them! They told me to bring more. I sang the monday before and since then they treat me like I really belong. Like I have something to offer. Yet I still think, ugh! I sang in front of someones! *eek*

Two weeks later and I'm still going *eek*

when I think of it. Deep breath and I realize one day, like when I die, it won't matter at all that I sang in public. *BigGrin*

One guy told me last week I nearly made him cry when I sang and he was hoping I had brought the chords to that song so they could play along. But I still feel like *eek*

when I think about it.

I'm learning Walbash Cannon Ball, Where The Roses Never Fade, Here Today Gone Tomorrow, A Heart That Will Never Break Again, I'd Rather Have Jesus and Life Is Like a Mountain Railway.

by **dema** » Sun Apr 24, 2011 6:53 pm

Like.

by **Dora** » Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:42 pm

Went to a banquet today to honor the top 10 percent of the students in Northern Michigan.

Snowy received an award for being top 10 in graphic arts. I was so pleased. Her teacher went on and on about how terrific she is.

He said she earned this because other seniors have slacked off but she keeps plugging away.

We get the invitations and gown tomorrow. Prom dress is waiting to be pressed. I think we need shoes, but these crazy kids these days sometimes wear tennis shoes and prom dresses then go barefoot anyhow. I don't get it. But it looks comfy. And comfy is in.

I have all her uniforms and t-shirts from sports and clubs. Going to make her a quilt out of them. But it's not happening right now. So I had this idea that we'd hang them like a clothes line and tack pictures on them during her graduation party. I didn't tell her, just mentioned we aren't going to have the quilt done. And she said, lets hang them up for the party like on a clothes line kinda thing. Either great minds think alike or we both have funny taste.

by **Dora** » Wed Apr 27, 2011 1:08 pm

God has answered a prayer.

Sammy is being moved. My fear was he would just go from one home to another with out the truth of how severe his mental issues are, then when the home realizes how much help he needs they would not be able to deal and send him to another home that will do the same and Sammy would never get the help he needs. A "home" was found. It's more of an institution in a home setting. It sounds perfect for him. A live in therapist and counselor. Sammy has to earn everything with good behavior. No pets or little children. I nearly can't believe they have found a perfect home for him. A home that will fit all his needs.

I'm so happy for him. Yet at the same time I am so mad that a child can be so troubled mentally. I was holding one of the little kids after nap. He was all snuggled up on my lap and I thought of sammy and how he never received that. Such cruelty was done and it can not be reversed.

Letting go will be so hard, yet the peace will be so wonderful. Knowing he will be in this new home that has the ability to help him will bring me rest at night. He could be gone as soon as Tuesday. But I would like to take him, so we may wait till a week from Saturday. It is hours away. Would be a day trip to go there and back. But the other option is to send him with a transport. A stranger to sammy, to take him in a strange vehicle, to a strange home, with strangers.

by **dema** » Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:59 pm

I'm so glad. I think that you will find that many of your struggles get less severe once he is moved. You did a good thing for Sammy. I think sometimes people just won't believe when one person or set of persons tells them that the world is a certain way. But, when they have heard it, and then they hear it again from a different set of persons in a different place - then it starts to penetrate. The words, "They're wrong, they're wrong" fade away and the light starts to dawn.

I've seen this happen in other situations. It is some kind of grounding or centering. And the thing is that it just takes so much and so many times - and you gave a lot of yourselves to be one of those times. And to do so with love and firmness and kindness.

by **Dora** » Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:35 pm

You are so right dema. It is hard to keep my own issues manageable when I'm trying so hard to help him with his.

by **Dora** » Sun May 08, 2011 9:01 am

I sit this morning in complete silence. Well except the drier drying my jeans and the bath room vent sucking up the steam from the shower. The sunlight white this morning. The kitty stands on the hill out back as still as a statue as if he to is enjoying the morning sun rays as much as I am. Deep breath to soak in the peace and beauty.

My little girl went off to senior prom yesterday. I didn't sleep well. Even after she was home, I had dreams of her being hurt. I had dreams of all my kids being hurt. I was in a church that wasn't my church and was caught up in the sermon. When I realized I was 30 minutes late to picking up my kids who were at my church I couldn't find my vehicle. This dream seemed to go on and on. Me somehow getting caught up in bad things that I never wanted to be in. Things that started out good and turned bad and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make what I was caught doing wrong right again. Waking out of such dreams can leave a person feeling insufficient.

A bad joke about how mothers day is just another hallmark holiday. I think I'm going to go sit outside in the sunlight for a while. Maybe today will get better.

by **dema** » Sun May 08, 2011 10:42 am

It really helps to wake up and rewrite the dream. Picture getting out of church before them and being waiting in the car. Picture them texting you and letting you know that they will be staying late at church. Picture you being together. Lie there awake and visualize the right way it should have happened.

And maybe Pine, the right way sometimes is for you to not be there and for the child to calmly make arrangements to get home safely.

I am suffering now from knowing that I try to help people too much. From remembering how I mothered people who needed to learn to stand on their own two feet and I ended up yelling and getting frustrated with them because even with my help, they were just major screw ups. But, I could see their potential. I could see what they could be.

I needed to just give them an opportunity and let them fail. I needed to do that calmly and without self-recrimination. These weren't my own children - usually. I couldn't do it with someone else's adult child - doing it with my own is heart wrenching.

And I think you may have the same trouble as your children enter adult hood. I think God was wise in having me not have money available to ride in on a white horse and save them during this recession. Because I would have. And they would have missed out on so much maturity. God is good. God knows what we need. And sometimes what our children need is a skinned knee.

Sometimes I think our pain is greater than theirs. Actually, I'm sure of it.

Love you Pine.

by **Dora** » Tue May 10, 2011 7:30 am

Thank you Dema. I tried to write the other day but so much was going through my mind I kept sharing things I didn't want to share. So I just kept deleting.

Sammy is on his way to his "Working Family Home." I was able to sit down and talk to the man who runs the home yesterday. I am positive this is where sammy belongs. He will receive the guidance and help to become a safe member of society one day.

He jumped in the mans car like a puppy ready to go for a joy ride.