For the last few years, I have been bound so much with fear. Fear that something will happen to me and fear that God won't help me. I lost my trust in Him because everyone always told me that when I received the Holy Spirit, I would definately speak in tongues at least once. And that is why we have that verse in Acts 2:4. Well I thought the Holy Spirit had rejected me. I tried and tried to make myself good enough, for years. But then I gave up. I didn't know what else to do. So, this is my "great sadness". Except I call mine, "shadows of midnight". I still try and try to overcome my fears, but haven't totally made it yet. I do have a few small victories. Here lately, the Holy Spirit has been whispering to my heart, "keep looking deep into my eyes and walk on the water. Peter did it and so can you. That's why I have this avatar. To remind me that if I keep looking deep into His eyes, I can "walk on water".
So strange. I came to the chapter called, "Wade In The Water". I talk to the Holy Spirit alot, so I said, "oh is he going to walk on water?!!?" I felt the strongest sense of His presence what I came to the part where Jesus tells Mack, "C'mon, Mack. If Peter can do it..." How eerie is that??!! As I read Mack struggling to take that step and actually walk on the water, my heart soared. The Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, "that's the same way you can overcome your fears". How awesome is that!! I then came to the part where Mack asks Jesus, "So why do I have so much fear in my life?" And as I read Jesus' answer, tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart. "Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in My love." I knew then my answer. I use to pray and pray and pray, "why God, when You can do anything, anything at all, don't you give me freedom?" It's because I don't know in my heart that He is always with me and will protect me. But I am trying. I want to. I want to be so close to God that I can hear His heartbeat and hear Him breathe. And I will get there, I promise Holy Spirit.