Christianity Oasis Forum

[wonder777]

Step four is about forgiveness. Most of the time I eventually forgive the offender. But some cases like me being sexually abused. Something like that it's much more difficult. In my case, being autistic made it much more difficult for me to speak out about it. So the natural thing for me was to keep it all in and let it stew. Also, I lived under the same roof as my rapist. After he stopped the physical assaults, he started the mind games. It was like he wanted me to be a whore. Asking me if I had a boyfriend, asking how many boys I slept with. I had sense enough not to degrade myself like that. I never willingly gave myself to a man. The questions still haunt me, did my mom suspect anything, did my stepfather molest my little sisters (his and my mom's) and did he go further, things like that. It's like the anger is a part of me and cannot remove it myself. I used to feel something right in the middle of my chest whenever somebody mentioned my stepfather's name. An overwhelming urge to strangle the person who uttered his name would rise.
There's still shame and guilt on my end. It's hard enough for me to look people in the eye for too long being autistic. Add abuse to that and it's almost impossible. Very few people I can lock my eyes on for any real period of time. That's gotten better in time, but it's still there. I tend to look just over the eyes or behind them. They say eyes are the windows to the soul. Well, I feared if someone looked in mine, they could read every page in my soul and they would reject me. I fear rejection, becoming something even I wouldn't recognize, and hurting those I love. Lord, forgive me for all my sins, known and unknown on my end and show me what I need to work upon. This sounds cliche, but the problem is not You Lord, but with me. I give my shame and guilt to You and just hold me!

[mlg]

Hi wonder,

Forgiveness doesn't mean that what another did to you was right or ok....it does not justify their actions...and it does not give them the right to do it again....what forgiveness does is releases you from the grasp they hold over you and allows you to move forward to what you deserve....and that is Freedom in Christ. We often think that because others hurt us badly and did things to us that were wrong and unjust that we have a right to hold on to a grudge and hate towards them. But, all that does is allow Satan to keep using the past to hurt us again and again. Really work on forgiving others, yourself and accepting God's forgiveness. You can do this. Time to live as God truly wants you to. Praying for you.

Take care

[alyce356]

Forgiveness is indeed good your benefit. I too was molested for years by a family member. His attempts to degrade you only serve to justify his own actions. They have nothing to do with you. I encourage you to spend time alone with Jesus. You are partially seeing yourself through the eyes of a depraved sinful man. Explode Satan's lies with truth. God created you autistic, he must have an amazing purpose for you in that respect (I have two autistic children. Their unique view of the world teaches me things everyday). Your stepfather is solely responsible for any abuse he perpetrated. Unfortunately people will reject you and let you down. That is why it is so important to see yourself from Jesus's perspective. The only TRUE one. Once you have confidence in truth, people's rejection won't change the way u see yourself. Hugs!!