Christianity Oasis Forum

[jennifergn]

Forgiveness, forgiveness... I think I'm okay with that one, but I will meditate on it just to make sure. I try to make sure I've gotten all forgiveness and given all forgiveness before I have communion (once a month). I've forgiven people for so many disgusting things, but yeah I make sure I have healthy boundaries. I even have a sort of healthy, loving relationship with my mom who, beat, starved, poisoned, buried, tied up, burned, and tried to kill me over and over. I've actually forgiven her. My siblings say they've forgiven her too, but they make excuses for her like, oh she was doing the best she could. I don't make any excuses for her. For what she did, she deserves death. But then, so do I. We all do. Jesus died for us so that we don't have to die. So I forgive. There was one person, a pastor, who I had a very hard time forgiving. He tried to rape me so many times... I still shiver when I think of him on top of me and trying to enter me. God sent an angel once, I'm convinced of it. I couldn't forgive him for the longest time so whenever I thought of him I would say that I forgive him by faith and I would think of the cross. For years I faithfully did that until one time by an amazing work of God I went to a friend's church and there was a visiting pastor with almost the same name as that one pastor. The visiting pastor gave a sermon made just for me and I cried throughout the whole thing and when it was done I could forgive him, completely. However, I have a healthy relationship which means I've left him to God and I've left him there. I don't make contact or anything.
Forgiveness to myself? I think I hurt a child once... I spanked a child that wasn't mine. I know what Jesus means when he says if you offend one of these little ones it would be best if a millstone would be wrapped around your neck and thrown into the sea. Well, something like that anyway. I felt so bad, I still feel so bad. Dear God forgive me. It still feels horrible to have done that. But you know... it feels like a weight has lifted. But I'm so used to carrying that. I pray I don't take it back.
There are so many people throughout my life that I've forgiven, but I hadn't forgiven society. I slipped between the cracks when someone should have protected me. It was obvious by the 2nd grade that I was severely malnourished and abused. The school investigated a little, but nothing came of it. They gave my mom some parenting advice about giving me hugs and loving physical contact. My bones and teeth were rotting away, I was covered with bruises and bones had healed incorrectly because I hadn't been taken to the doctor. I was mad at society for not helping. But then I went to a Christian counselor as an adult for 7 years... and she never ever charged me anything. She was a licensed therapist who also happened to be a school nurse at one of the schools I attended as a child. As an adult, she guided me to healing and because of her I forgave society. I am whole now.
Well, that was a long journal today. I like typing this out online. I think all the prayers from people in this forum are really helping because my mind does seem to be going in the right direction. I'm trying to be strong in the Lord, and making sure I'm not seeking to fight against flesh and blood.

[mlg]

Awwww today you seem to definitely be heading in the Right direction....forgiveness releases you....it sets you free to be who you can really be in Christ....and that my friend is what will bring you to understand God's love. See God's love is called Agape...and it's a love that loves us even when we don't deserve to be loved....it's a graceful and merciful love....and you have been given God's love as well. Don't let the worldly trials make you feel unloved by Him...because if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and you have called up on His name and asked His forgiveness then you are covered in the blood of Christ and forgiven of your sins...and this means you will be rewarded in Heaven for enduring the hardships of this world...and fighting the good fight of Faith.

Keep walking the steps....you are doing great!

Prayers and hugs for you!

[PeterJames]

Aww, Jennifer. You are not the type of person to hurt children. I don't believe you are the one being described with a millstone around your neck. We've all made mistakes.

I have to say it is refreshing to see someone being so honest and transparent, talking to the Heavenly Father about all things. Sometimes as Christians, we try to hide things from God that He knows about anyway. In reality, He has so much love and forgiveness for those who come to Him.

Psalm 139:17-18
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

[jennifergn]

Is there a type? My parents were the "perfect" people outside of the house. Successful, people loved them... and inside they tortured me. There's no type.
Sorry that's all I focused on. I do try to focus on God's love. Thank you.

[Dora]

Here is a hug if you would like one. And a prayer.

You are so strong to survive that and work through it in counseling and to share here as well as forgive. I pray you forgive yourself completely.

I'm so thankful we Have such a wonderful, gracious and loving God.

[mlg]

Hi jennifergn...are you working on day 5 yet? Looking forward to seeing how you are doing with the next step.

[Dora]

My heart aches for you Jennifer. Please come back. I am praying for you today.