Pines Pages

[Dora]

Breathing feels good!

--------------------

I've had a lot of reminders today, through the forums, of how great Gods love is.

I wonder if others who are just pouring their hearts out are actually not only helping themselves but helping me to remember the path to my own struggles. It's really neat how God works like that.

--------------------

The whispers came today and I began to fall for them. To doubt in me and others and question love. Then a very quiet and gentle, "who's voice is that?" flowed in. And I immediately recognized it was not the voice of our loving Savior and kicked them out.

This battle is exhausting.

From the whispering about friendship not being real, love not being anything but a false hood, they went to whispers about me and against me. Those seem the hardest to fight. Perhaps cause they seem to fit into the already curved out areas.

I'm so glad God is patient and never stops seeking us. I am so anxious for the wedding day. I woke this morning to repeatedly asking Him to come quickly and save us. I must of had a dream. As I woke I didn't remember anything but just felt a battle around me. I didn't sleep well. Cubby was sick, then when he settled in and I began to fall asleep it felt like I had a spider on my shoulder so then I began to have over whelming fears of bugs! Then other fears starting coming in.

Night night!

[angelbaby]

You are highly loved, Piney.

[Dora]

Thanks Angelbaby! I just saw this.

Love you!

[Dora]

I must say today was a good good day.

I began group counseling today.

I was so scared! About 2 hours before hand I started talking nonsense and couldn't shut up. I just had to talk. Talk about anything just talk and talked so fast. Then my feet had to move. I had to do something anything just something. Then my hands had to be busy with something, anything. Didn't matter if it was important or repetition.

On the 45 min drive over my mind was going and going. What would it be like. What would I say. What if I left feeling like it wasn't for me. What if I get hurt by the others. What if they think I should be angry. Oh how my mind raced. I replayed over and over in my mind what I might say. What they might say.

Then on the radio was a short sermon on forgiveness. Then immediately after another short sermon. I found that strange. No music between or introduction to the second sermon. But it got my attention. Both sermons on forgiveness. My greatest fear was when someone finds out what happened they'll think I'm dirty, they'll know I'm dirty. I could feel the dirt on me. If I were home I would of scrubbed my skin in the shower. I fought the urge to scratch my arms. Then I realized the sermons! I must remember despite what anyone may think, He's washed me clean and that is what matters. I must keep tight grip on that every step of the way so I don't crumble under what others think, say or do with my little package that holds my past.

The meeting went wonderful. I cried a lot! Ugh! I hated me. But was honest and told them. When another woman began to share and cried I felt better. I wasn't the only one crying. Is that terrible? Being in a group of emotions is ok...but being the only one in a group with emotions makes me want to run and hide.

To hear another say the words, brought me relief. To be in the same room with others who understand and know and can share how they overcame the exact same thing made me smile and gave me strength.

When I left I felt like I was taking with me a sense of...I am me...and I am worth fighting for.

I painted today. First time in a long time. I gave it up to raise a family. I didn't paint what I wanted to show the world. I painted what I felt inside but I knew I couldn't share that cause others would want me to change it to something beautiful. I refused to conform and change my creation because it wasn't what others felt it should be or what they wanted it to be. When I was done...I was happy with what I created. I showed others, with out telling them it's what I feel like inside, and they seemed amazed at it. If I would of said..it's what I feel like inside...they would of said...you're weird...or why!...or it seems so yuck and walked away.

Since I did so well today by overcoming my fears and going to this session despite how difficult it was I rewarded myself with some charcoal pencils and plan to draw more and allow myself to let out more of what is with in me despite what anyone may think. Because that little girl with in......she is worth fighting for...despite what anyone else may think...including myself.

I think I made progress.

[Zemirah]

((((((Pine)))))))) yay!!! you did great I'm so impressed you went to the group counseling and so glad that even with all your concerns about it you kept going and stuck it out and that it went so wonderfully in the end Praying that it will continue to go well and that this will be a good part of the healing God has for you - his precious daughter. I know it's hard thinking it for yourself, but you (all of you) is definitely worth the fight for. I really am glad of that .... but I keep racing to the end of your news because i'm so totally excited by that ..... you painted!!!! after you were talking about painting in chat briefly the other day; wow, it's such a blessing to read that you took that time and that you painted what you needed to paint .... I'm so happy for you Pine .... and yes, lots of progress

[goldieluvs]

Pine Wow! Girl you have done awesome!!!! Keep making those steps towards healing. Healing IS possible (oh and you are NEVER alone; Jesus promised us that. Hold on tightly to that promise! Wooo Hooo on the painting. I remember when i felt such pain how i would write poems. Nothing i could share here of course and in thinking back, its kinda funny (not funny ha ha but shoot idk exact word im looking for) The pain i felt then was VERY real and now (years later) I am somewhere else. I feel a lil sad when i think about past stuff (abusers) that hurt me sometimes; and while i can't say that it is totally gone, I CAN say that i have reached an acceptance of it and it no longer defines me. Sis, im praying for ya and believe in my heart that you will have that same peace one day. Just keep on a working girl and KNOW that He is with YOU ALWAYS.

luv ya

[Dora]

New counselor

This big gruff looking woman walked out and glared at me. I thought, no way am I going to feel comfortable talking with her! She walked past and my fear level went down. I sat there wondering what am I going to do if she is the one. Cause she is not the one I am going to feel comfortable talking to.

Then this tiny little sweet woman walked out and gently said my name and smiled. An angel couldn't of been more welcoming.

I sat down and she said, "That was very difficult wasn't it." My eyes teared up. She explained to me nearly exactly what was going through my mind the hour before the session. I was so relieved because they were such serious thoughts that I knew I had to tell someone, at least if I were going to be honest and receive the help I need. I felt so safe to hand to her that package that I keep inside. The one that holds all the emotions, memories, harmful thoughts, and fears. That package that is so neatly wrapped and looks so well taken care of but once the ribbon is removed and the lid removed it's a bottomless pit of darkness with screaming angry ugly things seeking to destroy someone.

I shared with her where I've been and where I'm at and found out a whole lot about myself. I don't think I've ever shared all of what is happening and what did happen with anyone. There were parts I said I'm not ok with sharing about that right now. And skipped it. And she was very thoughtful and considerate and didn't tread into territory that I wasn't ready to allow anyone into. I feel relieved that someone knows. She said it's my boat and my journey but she is willing to take a paddle and help me row the boat.

Yesterday at group session two women shared at how they lashed out at a man this week. I was shocked someone would treat another that way. Though I tried to listen with understanding ears and not judge them for it is where they are in their path, but I couldn't help hurting for the person they lashed out at. Then I shared. My sharing is so different than others. The counselor told me I have to start speaking of what has happened. Even if I do so alone. That just as these women are lashing out at others, I turn my anger inward and hurt myself. I am very very angry. The more I realize I deserve as much as the next human and deserve to be treated the way I treat others, the angrier I get. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I do know God has done very well guiding me so far through this healing journey. So I must trust Him, talk to Him, follow His guidance, and not do this on my own. After all, it's really just His boat.

[dema]

[Dora]

Dema you've been such a good friend. *hug9*

I have counseling again tomorrow. My mind feels as if it's ownership belongs to the enemy. I fell asleep at night saying over and over, "Help me Jesus," and wake often in the night to the same battle I fell asleep with. I begin repeating over and over, "Help me Jesus." It brings some peace.

I was beginning to wonder if my marriage was going to survive this bought of healing that the Lord is taking me through. Last night we made some very big steps.

It took me 6 days to recover from last weeks counseling. I had one half way good day. Then back to counseling again tomorrow.

The Lord and I haven't been getting along. I think I just got mad at the world. That's part of the reason I keep this stuff so bottled up. There is a lot of anger behind it. You can not imagine the amount of anger. I'm scared of what the inner child might do if she begins to release all the anger. I'm ashamed of the way I've been ignoring Him. He doesn't deserve it. May He forgive me.

[Dora]

I really could use prayer.

This really has been a very difficult couple weeks and doesn't promise to get much better till this counseling stuff is done. I guess it'll get easier. One day.

I want to go to the elders in the church and ask for prayer but the thought of them touching me and praying for me and me receiving their attention is scarier than walking into that building for counseling where I have to admit to things that happened.

I hate being weak. I'm really sorry. But I just don't know how much more of this I can take on my own.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwwww sis . Am praying for ya. I can only say that while i dont really understand why it takes so much time to heal cuz in my heart i know God takes our hurts n helps us to let go. However, for some reason that is beyond me, it takes time. Spent four years in therapy and while it was probably one of the hardest things i ever did, i can honestly say that it helped tremendously(though it took me many more years of being angry at God, but thank God He NEVER GAVE UP on me.) Don't give up... lifting u up in prayers and luv ya. I spent time mad at God, looking back i think it was my perception of God at the time. That too for me took time and while i know i am not there yet as i still struggle to turn things over to Him, I know He waits patiently and continues to love me,,, just as He does you. Try to be gentle to yourself. And try to keep on knowing that each day; regardless of how much it hurts, that every step is a step towards healing. In my heart, i see how much you have dedicated to healing and i know He walks with you every step of the way. I used to think that God simply didn't care, that He was some stern entity that punished me for everything i failed to do right, I now see Him as someone who loves me NO MATTER WHAT. I am very proud of you for starting counseling. And will keep you in prayers and giving you another just cuz i luv ya.

[xxJILLxx]

Standing beside my sisters in prayer.



Gb
♥Jill