Pines Pages

[dema]

That is incredible, Pine. Jesus offers us a gift. A gift for which he paid soooo much. If we don't accept the gift - which is abundant life - then it is just so - well rude among other things.

A friend told me, "you think you are shy - they think you are stuck up."

Ohhh, so true of people.

We think we are being humble - but we are being rude when we don't accept God's expensive gift. Soooo expensive.

I'm scribbling here - you were eloquent.

[Dora]

You are so right. I'm glad He understands.

I'm scribbling here - you were eloquent.

I left out parts of the pictures as they unfolded. There seems to be so much information at times that it's hard to get it all on paper. He cried from the cross for her to get up and be healed. And she shook her head and cried. She couldn't. She knew who she was. Getting up would be to accept being what she is not. If she stood up she would receive what she doesn't deserve. The vision flipped back and forth from Him on the cross to her. She heard His cries and wanted so dearly to stand. As if it were a physical struggle. When it is a spiritual struggle.

You can "scribble" here anytime. Your post made me think.

[Dora]

I don't know what to share anymore.

I come here and type a page full then delete. Then a few days later type a page full and delete. I once shared because I felt it helped others to see others struggle and helped me. I don't know why share anymore.

[deetu]

hi piney... haven't been keeping up because of last week so please don't think I am attacking you but just catching up, okay? I put your quotes so you can see what I am referring to... makes it longer then it is.

I've been realizing that I'm working for the kingdom of God not because He's called me but because I'm trying to earn my citizenship. Working harder than the average person so that perhaps when I get there maybe for a moment God will take notice. I don't expect to ever be important enough to earn a front row seat for my work here. So I work harder. To be some body. So I can be loved and accepted by Him. I remember dad rewarding my sister for something she did. The love and acceptance he gave her. Then turned and looked down at me, he said something about if I were to work harder maybe I could earn his approval too.

Right there is a word curse and inner vow that can be broken.

So once again, failure as a daughter because I didn't call, write, or send anything.

I don't want to see myself as important. I have moments were I accept I did something that made a small difference in someones day. To be important is a scary thought. Important people go away and never come back.

Again, can see word curses and inner vows tied up in there.
Ask Holy Spirit to guide you on how to break them.
Go back to viewtopic.php?f=125&t=19208 and viewtopic.php?f=125&t=19433

Every where we look there is someone hungry, thirst, or imprisoned by their past or present life style. Yet I'm not called to feed, clothe, and visit the world. Only those He asks me to. What if I miss one and He says I was hungry and you turned your back on me because you felt you weren't called to them.

Fear and striving... keep listening to Holy Spirit guidance and you won't go wrong. We are not to reach everyone, but only the ones we heard our Lord tell us.

This group the pastor wanted me to teach could potentially reach hundred of people. But it was very clear this is not for me to do. To see someone in need and not reach I feel one has to let their heart grow just slightly cold. And we are warned this will happen. Perhaps the needs around us will grow so numerous our hearts will grow cold at least slightly. Feeling their pain hurts. It's not as comfortable as pretending all is well.

If someone is not ready, no matter how much pain they are in, our reaching will not reach them... at that time we can only plant a seed. I don't believe we should let our heart grow cold but ask for a strengthing, a surrounding of light so they can know we will be there for them if and when they are ready. This surrounding will also change the pain... you pray for them and then pass it on to the Lord so you don't hold on to it.

It is very difficult and very confusing to know what He has called a person to when the need for workers is very clearly visible. During this time of seeing people pull away from me because I choose to not conform to what they want I'm finding myself becoming impatient and snippy. I find it harder to not say things that are on my mind, not necessary things that are true, but things I think. Perhaps it is because I feel love has been removed from me and I'm not accepted. I can not conform any longer to what anyone want from me. I must seek Him and conform to what He wants. Even if it means being seen as less important in the eyes of others.

Always ask Holy Spirit what to do in every situation until it becomes natural. Being impatient and snippy wouldn't be Holy Spirit's leading... so just step back a second and ask. And before you go to these situations, pray and ask God to give you strength and lead your words and thoughts. Bind first... always helped me

I left out parts of the pictures as they unfolded. There seems to be so much information at times that it's hard to get it all on paper. He cried from the cross for her to get up and be healed. And she shook her head and cried. She couldn't. She knew who she was. Getting up would be to accept being what she is not. If she stood up she would receive what she doesn't deserve. The vision flipped back and forth from Him on the cross to her. She heard His cries and wanted so dearly to stand. As if it were a physical struggle. When it is a spiritual struggle.

I would say the spiritual struggle is happening right now. "If she stood up she would receive what she doesn't deserve"
SAYS WHO?
Jesus, our savior, our light who doesn't lie is saying to accept what I am giving.. I died for you for this time but she continues to believe the prince of lies...
She needs to choose to believe and trust God and Jesus and listen to Holy Spirit and if she does, she will be free from the lie that the enemy is holding her with. Would be able to break that link and close that door so she won't be tormented by it any longer. The enemy doesn't want that so will keep her from Them with that lie. Spiritual war going on over her...
Stand up... Ephesians 6:13,14 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then....

[Dora]

delete delete.......

I found this poem that.....well....here it is......
J. D. Smith called STILL WAITING:

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!

Till next steps made plain shall be;

To hear, with the inner hearing,

The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, quietly waiting!

No need for an anxious dread;

Shall He not assuredly guide me,

Who giveth me daily bread?

Waiting! Yes hopefully waiting!

With hope that needn't grow dim;

The Master is pledged to guide me,

And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Yes, expectantly waiting!

Perhaps it may be today

The Master will quickly open

The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, trustfully waiting!

I know, though I've waited long,

That, while He withholds His purpose,

His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting, Still waiting!

The Master will not be late;

He knoweth that I am waiting

For Him to unlatch the gate.

[Dora]

I've lost my counselor. The church has fired her husband. And she is bitter. I am apart of the church. Today I went to give her a hug like usual and she turned away from me. She sees me as one of them that made the decision to fire him. His mother was dieing and he left the state to tend to her. They let him know over the phone that he was being let go. What terrible timing. I don't agree! So that leaves me with where do I go now to work out the things that haunt me. I haven't seen her in two months and have only been talking to God about them. What if things get real bad again. She knows everything. To start over I would have to begin from the beginning and who can I trust to take care of the fragile packages that I need help unpacking. What if I choose another and they mishandle what I trust them with and I end up hurt.

My sister gets out of the hospital today, unless a doctor is not available then she has to wait till tomorrow. She is so far gone mentally from all the alcohol. I fear her time here on earth is not long. I don't want her to die in a cold dark alleyway. Or to be mistreated by more men. My heart aches for her. Nothing has brought me to my knees more than she has. I love her so much. She is so lost. Someone told me today Noah's sons wife's had to choose to leave their family and get in the boat. And so my sister must choose to get in the boat. But her time is drawing near. I fear I may be attending her funeral very soon. I want to talk to her one more time. I want to hug her one more time. I want to try one more time to show her there's a better way. I beg God to take this away because I can not watch her die like this.

I consider David and his crying to God as in Psalm 61:1-2, "HEAR my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed..." The heart ache David must of felt. I'm not in the same situation but reading this verse gives me hope. He struggled to with being overwhelmed with his heart ache because of a family member.

This young man living in our home has caused me to lay down my gentleness and stand up and be strong. I have been forced to be on the constant edge of being tuff, tuffer than I have ever been with anyone. It has also helped me to stand up to others who were not treating me well. To say to them how they are treating me is wrong. They don't like light being shined on their actions. I don't like not pleasing people. So I struggle with what did I do that was wrong for hours and days after a confrontation. But I feel strong. I realize I can say I'm not a victim but a survivor. But if I aint standing I'm still just a victim. God has called me to stand up. I am standing up for myself. I deserve to be treated proper. I deserve to be treated with the same respect I show others.

My daughters Graduation is next Sunday and her Graduation party is the Saturday after with her 18th birthday in between.
Invitations came in wrong so we had to reorder. We finally found someone to print senior pictures and only takes 24 hours. We have to organize that more. I want to finish her memory book through 12th grade. Ugh! She is finally beginning to help me. Two weeks before I need it done. I have finally down sized my expectations of what this memory book would hold. If I have missing years, it's really ok. If I don't finish 12th grade, it's really ok. What is important is that she has fun and that we make it to the parties of the other graduates. Everything else will fall into place. My husband told me to stay out of planning the food. Yeah! I don't have to plan one singe thing when it comes to the food. I'm on clean up and decoration duty. I'm searching for orange poppies to decorate the table with. So far I have a few leads of folks that may have some and be willing to give me a bouquet. Orange and black is the school colors. The church has graduation Sunday where she had to wear her graduation gown and get on stage. They gave her a gift and a prayer. I cried but not terribly. Seeing her having fun with her friends helps me to let go. But I don't think she wants me to let go. She wants to grow up but she doesn't want to be made to grow up. Very tender time for her. It's very difficult to know when to come to her and when to give her space.

[dema]

God is your sufficiency, not the counsellor. That sounds trite - it does. But it is true.

I am being told that God has things handled. Stuff is scary right now. But, God has things handled.

You are stepping up and being strong. This didn't happen sooner, it happened now, while you are learning to be strong.

Thank you God for choreographing our lives.

[Dora]

Thanks Dema. I think I heard Him try to tell me He has this issue with my sister. But my feelings of are so loud that I can't hear. I'm just nearly in panic when I think of her and what she is going through. I know detox isn't fun and to be released from the mental ward onto the streets with no place to go....ugh! I want to wrap her up in a soft blanket and hold her and love all the bad away. I guess If I have feelings so strongly to do this for her how much more does God have thoughts towards tending to her. I shared with a few her situation and they shared how they've had loved ones who didn't know the Lord die and how they know they are in hell. AHHHHH that is suppose to make me feel better????? I can't think about her with out sobbing. All this was happening before it's just now she's had enough and unsafe. There's nothing I can do. She must choose, she must choose, she must choose. But she is not mental capable anymore to choose safely. Not that she ever did before. Someone who knows her condition said she hasn't got much time left as the alcoholism has destroyed the front portion (If I remember right) of her brain. Well the area that makes sound judgement. And that death is not long after that. But with her death could come from the people she seeks out to get her next drink from. Why am I worried now? She has been this way forever. Perhaps the suicide attempt was the eye opener to me that I'm about to loose my sister. I'm not ready. I just want her well. I want the sister that was strong yet sweet back. One thing I did realize in this was this is the first time my family didn't freak out and expect me to fix it for them. The didn't call me and want me to rush down there and magically make this all better. They said they are trusting in God to take care of her. How many times He has pulled her out of a terrible situation. He's given her homes and food and put Christian people in her path, and she ends up hurting them for her addiction. I don't know how He possibly could pull her out of this. I'm reminded of my dad. He was logging in the woods alone. And got a flat tire. When he went to change the tire the truck fell of his hand. He was trapped all day. Under excruciating pain. He thought he was going to die there. He considered cutting his hand off. Then he cried out to God. And he had this thought of trying to lift the truck with a tree limb, it was all he could reach. And he did it. He lifted the truck just enough to get his hand out. If He can do this for dad he can do for sis what she needs. My mind keeps saying but this is such a hopeless situation. I don't see it, I just don't see how He can. But then He is the same God that parted the waters so His people could be saved. I imagine they didn't see it either. But I have a whole book of things He has done that were impossible. They didn't. Gotta trust. That is all there is to it is I must trust!

As far as the counseling goes. Yes He is the ultimate counselor. But sometimes when working through the things of the past I need a human to walk with me through it so I can try to stay out of the hospital. Perhaps I won't ever need that again. Perhaps I'm coming to the place where I can work on my glitches with out having to go back to work on the stuff in the past. There is no way I can find another counselor that will accept the things I say about my healing. Because it has all came from God. Unless He has positioned one there for me and leads me to it. The things God has done to bring me healing many would think I'm crazy. I do have to have someone I can call when things get real bad. Someone who is willing to be there 24/7. Every where I look I have her number as reminders as to who to call. During those times I need to call I can't even think through as to how to find her number. So it's posted everywhere. I never know when something might trigger a memory. I use to cut up meat all the time and one day it began triggering a memory. At first I could stuff it down but then eventually I began wondering why cutting meat would trigger this. Then it got to where I had to admit to what was triggering and work through it. I can't just wait till it happens and have no one to turn to. Well it's all in His hands. So there is no need in fretting. Gotta fight that temptation to fret.

Sometimes I wonder if my fretting causes Him to not keep everything working out to His will. Like when I fret He stops doing what He is doing and things will go bad. I don't know. Maybe. But then how many times have I fretted and everything turned out ok. Is His provision for us there because of what we do? Does our faith or lack of cause Him to pull away His hand of protection? That doesn't seem right. Yet I think our faith moves Him. I don't know. I'm tired. It's nearly midnight and I've been typing away since just after 9pm.

[dema]

Fretting and Worry are negative believing. The Bible says that we receive as we believe.

I picture believing as a great magnet, pulling events into a different alignment.

I have a science fiction brain.

[Dora]

I've been working on the message for Finding Hope program. The entire way through I keep telling God this is just what I needed to hear. Funny how He does that. I pray the message reaches others as well.

I talked to her on the phone. She blames everyone. She doesn't understand why they don't help her out. I was truthful and loving. Well we talked about a lot. Maybe it helped. She is hurt. I think it brought her peace to talk to me. I could share in my own issues so she could see I don't judge her because I've been there. I could say things like your struggling with guilt and bitterness. And she cried. Then I kept her focusing on looking forward not back. She wants to keep rehashing what others have done to her. I tried to explain that they can't help her or else they are just keeping her from getting the real help she needs. She didn't understand or didn't want to. Typical. She just wants what she wants. Yeah....me to. No one likes to go over the mountain we just want to keep going around it. I think the many miles between us help. I can not help her physically so she isn't angry with me for not helping her with her physical needs. Those there won't help her because they have seen how she uses it as a crutch to keep drinking and doing other things that hurt them. She doesn't see this so she is very angry with them. I haven't talked to mom yet. I am certain she is very hurt. Why don't I call her!! I still haven't called her even for Mother's Day. Why do I avoid her! She is the sweetest person I know. I love hearing her voice. I called my youngest sister. I was glad when I got her answering machine. Why??????? I love her and want to hear about her life and her kids. Maybe I feel guilty cause I left them when I moved to Michigan. I know they were all angry at me when I did, but they all realized it was for the best. God used this move in so many ways. He brought me to Him and in doing so brought each of them to Him. Devastation saved me and my family.
It is so frustrating having an alcoholic family member. Everything she says is lies. She tries to make everyone else out to be the bad guy and she did nothing wrong. I am certain the counselors there must know this isn't true. Was such a painful conversation to her her anger towards everyone who didn't help her and those who put her in this hospital. She is determined it is all their fault she is there.

[Dora]

Tonight was awards ceremonies for the seniors. The class walked in together onto the stage, caps and gowns. The parents held cameras and whispered repeatedly "Where is our daughter," "Which one is our son." We giggled. I search for my girl. Thinking her long side braid would be easy to spot, but no luck. They all looked to much the same. Then through the group in the very back I spotted a set of glimmering eyes and my spirit jumped with in me. I knew those eyes. The innocence, the shyness yet I could see a glimmer that spoke of the eager desire to live life to it's fullest running to the depth of her being. I wondered at that moment if others saw what I saw. Apparently not as she is so often over looked. I hurt for her as I see her question if she is forgotten by her peers.

A slide show presentation at baccalaureate nearly brought me to tears to see on the big screen my baby girl then her senior picture. I couldn't hold it in and whispered to those around me, "THAT one is MY baby girl." They smiled and spoke of her beauty. The entire room hushed to a whisper as all stopped for just that moment to take in the spirit of this gentle, loving, compassionate young woman. To her, she felt forgotten by the hush, but as I stood back and watched and listened and felt I could see she is adored by all. Not in popularity, not in athletics, drama, or brains. But in her soft, calm way she captivates the crowd and yet she is completely unaware of it.

Tonight she received yet another award for graphic arts. Her class applauded and it was obvious her teacher was extremely proud to give her this award. She brought her art portfolio home to show her daddy and I her treasures she has created her senior year. I was nothing less than amazed. It was as if I were looking at the work of a professional and here she is but a graduating high school student. She will graduate Sunday with 9 college credit hours in her suitcase. As I look at the amount of awards to display for her graduation party I'm just a little over whelmed where will I display them at. I had no idea I had such talent living under the same roof with me.

I'm just so proud of her. Nothing has come easy for her. She has worked so hard for everything she has earned. Unable to hear vowel sounds reading and spelling have been a pain staking portion of growing her up. Every subject required spelling and reading. We kept at it daily for years. Now I have to tell her at 2am to put the book down because she needs her sleep. God has blessed our work.

In the younger grades she was ridiculed by coloring outside the lines. She never cared. She did as she wanted and didn't allow the rest to conform her.

My heart soars when I think of her. As it should. I've often had others scold me for being proud of my girl. So I've tried to hide it. Then I realized, if I don't brag about her who will? Everyone brags about their kids. As we should. Not that it is in us that they are what they are, but the joy that they are what they are should flow forth and begin the path they will be walking.

The senior picture has all the girls grouped together, hugging, leaning, laughing together and there is my girl off to the side, with out a close knit friend to share this moment with. I've seen this through out the years and have even asked her how does it make her feel. I know it hurts. She stands strong and said...in the end all we ever need is Jesus. He promised me when she was very very young that she would be a leader. She is indeed. Yet she leads differently. You wouldn't even know she is leading. So quietly and reserved. Just coloring outside the lines on purpose allowing who ever would see and follow to join her. Yet most choose to follow the group. As that is the popular way. This is the precious child God gave me when the doctors said it wasn't possible. This is one of the few things in my entire life that I can look at and stand tall and strong and say I did it! She is what I would of been. Yet with out what I was she would of never become who she is.

When she was born I looked at how I was raised. And I didn't know any other path. Yet I knew the one I was shown was the wrong one. I set out to discover how to raise her. And with God I broke the many abusive behaviors that have been passed down. She knows this and is proud of me for it. Yet she carries some residue of my abused spirit. It will be her job now to break free from the residue.

I think perhaps God would be pleased. I think for the Father to see what few tools I had in my suitcase to begin with and how together we repacked it so to help this young woman pack her suitcase. Why do I feel so guilty that I'm proud of her? As if I need to apologize that I was apart of bringing her into who she is.

[dema]

You are so totally grateful for your daughter, that I think that your victory in overcoming your past with her is actually penetrating to your core.

You had to let God. And letting God is HUGE!!! And you did.

There were so many minutes between the conception of your daughter and today. So many minutes. That is what is soooo difficult. We make resolves and maybe keep them 23 hours a day.

But, apparently with your daughter you did a lot better than 23 hours a day. 23 hours a day is 96%, right? An A? In terms of resolve I think it is. In terms of success, 23 hours a day can be a disaster.

And somehow you managed to win that battle of the minutes with your daughter.

First do no harm - that alone for you, Pine, was an impossible task. Only with the grace of God. But, even with the grace of God - amazing.