Christianity Oasis Forum

[xxJILLxx]

Thank you sisters!

I love you all very much.

It seems i have gotten a case of writers block. I think how could i possibly help others when i dont have myself together let alone the time to do so.

I get frustrated I miss Oasis but then when i do get here i cant even write.

Seems i got too much on my mind right now to even clear the way for the Holy Spirit to work through me here. Then i begin to feel selfish and self centered because the majority of the time that i type is in "my journal" .

Must be stress, idk...

love ya and God bless
♥Jill

[Dora]

We have seasons where life is so big we have to get our thoughts out and here is a great place to do so. Cause you know you'll get Godly advice.

love you!

[vahn]

Hey Jill

Though we have talked about the situation , .. but for the sake of others that might read and benefit as well ...

You kno the poster of Peter walking on water (yep , we all know 'bout Jesus doing it ) But Peter ... as long as he had his eyes fixed on the Beam .. no prob right ? no snorkles , no duck feet , but ... the minute he got his eyes off the Life Saver , the ONLY thing(s) that was left for him to see were "waves" .

Instead of focusing on ALL the stuff that I CAN"T do , it gets much easier TO DO what I CAN ... One at a time .


Luv ya


In Christ , our Lord

[xxJILLxx]

God i love that man.



♥Jill

[xxJILLxx]

I am going through the 12 step program many issues of myself that I must break away from that is coming inbetween my relationship with the Lord.

Well my house seems to be settling down quite a bit. Taking back my home.

Codependancy...

Browsing the web and these popped out at me, they apply to my codependancy and am copying them here for my reference, and maybe to help others who read.

Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. This addiction is sometimes so strong, the codependent will cause the other person to continue to be needy.

It's widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

An alarming number of dysfunctional families are also characterized by the presence of physical and/or sexual abuse of children, a condition where the child's personal respect and integrity are continually compromised by the threat of impending physical or sexual violence. In later years, these individuals may find themselves emotionally unable to handle the demands of adulthood, and complain of their inability to establish and maintain emotional (and physical) boundaries in relationships

vahn is making me submit this, was contemplating erasing it.
ok love yall

jill

[Dora]

Thank you Vahn! Thank you Jill! Don't erase it. As a matter of fact. Do a study on it and publish it in the Walls forum. Or another counseling forum. It's what many, myself included need to hear.

Thank you for being obedient to God.

Love you both!

[xxJILLxx]

Here comes admission

Wrong thinking number one:

I dont feel worth much unless others find worth in me. >>>this leads to people pleasing.

"Golly what will people think, syndrome" I like to call it.

Fact
unreasonable thought God says I am worth it.

Why do i feel this way then?

Because when i was 5 or 6 i was taught this wrong behavior, then it was shoved under the table and i wasnt aloud to talk about it.

So unless i do what others want me to do, i "think" i am not worth much and then begin searching for ways to please others. Making them happy but yet not filling what it is that is missing with me.

K gotta go to work
God bless,
love u pinester!


Jill

[vahn]

OK , .. So .. Give a man a fish , or two , he'll eat for One day , and stop bothering you for the rest of the day . But ... The next day , he's at your door again .
Now , teach this guy HOW to fish , he'll eat everyday . Hmm , not a bad thing right ?

It is when we start checking the doorbell and insisting there's something wrong with it cuz it's not ringing any more and wondering why , .. or even worse ... When we stop fishing ourselves , saying "Oh , I'll get some from him later , when he comes back from fishing" ...

Why you scratching your head ? I thought we talking Co-Dependency !!!

Ok , here's another one .

Teach a drunk how to fish ... what he does is , sits in the boat and drink beer all day !! ... Next thing you know , the door-bell , miracilously gets "fixed" and you hear this "Oh , shucks , didn't catch anything today" ... Now you BOTH hungry !

Luv ya

[Dora]

Your plain nuts you know that vahn?


Love you 2 Jill!

So now what are you going to do about your new findings?

I can tell you I've been at this co-dependency thing for a looooooong time, but I get closer and closer to being free.

So we can give up and stay as we are cause what we were taught seems to ingrained to retrain and we keep finding ourselves falling back on it ooooooor
we can do the elbow work and take the time to retrain. What I'm saying sis is if you don't accomplish this in a day or a week or a month, it's ok. Just keep trying. Baby steps and one day you'll be free.

[xxJILLxx]

OK , .. So .. Give a man a fish , or two , he'll eat for One day , and stop bothering you for the rest of the day . But ... The next day , he's at your door again .
Now , teach this guy HOW to fish , he'll eat everyday . Hmm , not a bad thing right ?

Not a bad thing for the usual person, but for me when they dont come ring my doorbell again then is when i start to think that they dont want to be around me because of something i said or done etc etc. Or maybe they dont like me, so i need to change or do something so they will come back.

It is when we start checking the doorbell and insisting there's something wrong with it cuz it's not ringing any more and wondering why , .. or even worse ... When we stop fishing ourselves , saying "Oh , I'll get some from him later , when he comes back from fishing" ...

yup then sink into despair and depression, no self worth. I must be doing something wrong but in my attempts to find it being imperfect myself i lose my way. Drift away...

So now i stand here and now that i realise the extent of codependancy and the damage it has done to me and possibly my children. and i feel like a lil girl looking around the room with scared eyes behind my hands, trembling, what can i cling onto? Where is the safety? Is their a corner i can run to? I find my comfort in depending in others. A sense of security, but is it false security? When they leave and i am alone i dont feel secure anymore. I dont like being alone. I have to be around someone.

Ok so i have done step one

I admitted I was powerless over co-dependancy - that my life had become unmanageable.

And it realy has been unmanageable and not just as of recent, but since i was little.

Step two

Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

I always believed that God could restore me, He is God afterall! But there is something about this statement that makes it concrete. Lord knows i cant do it... I know i cant do it obviously i have tried.

So now what are you going to do about your new findings?

I dont know...

Its kinda scary pine. I cling... I dont know how to break it.

Who will i be? Im so used to being this way.

God bless

♥Jill

[xxJILLxx]

Found this and it so applies to me almost to the point of shock, i didnt know i was in this that deep. This is from 12 steps of codependants anonymous

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence


Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

WHOA! Ok so were is that fly on my wall and how did it get in my apartment? This is SO me its scary!

[Dora]

Who will i be?

You will be who God created you to be.

With all the energy you spent/spend trying to please others, put those energies and thoughts toward Christ. When you stop to ask "am I ok with that person" "are they upset at me", look to God and ask am I ok with God. And if not then you know what to do, repent and receive and take His hand. If all is well then smile and take His hand. Focus on the one that will take you for a flight, not the one that will keep you digging in the mud seeking if you are ok with them. Make since?

It's ok to let go of the old self. You'll be fine.

Not saying it's easy and it will take time, possibly. But it's so worth the effort and time.

Love you!