When knowledge meets memories

[Dora]

With the the naivety of childhood gone and the memories coming up beginning to be dealt with I understand things I didn't understand before.

For me it means realizing how many times I was just a moment away from death and/or being very hurt. I stop and look at all the pictures of my past and it makes me angry.

It also means seeing how many times God protected me. I wonder how many times we miss His hand in our lives.

I went to the cross on Saturday and had the most wonderful experience. I was so broken and was seeking Gods presence. I knelt at the cross and could fill with filling up inside of me. Was amazing.

Yesterday I went again, to find answers. There was no filling up like the day before. I was disappointed. I sat for a long time and just talked. I knew what was between me and the cross was my anger and my guilt because of my anger. I could only look at the foot of the cross. He said, lift your eyes up. I said I can't, I'm not worthy. He nudged again and I focused on the center of the cross like my husband had showed me to do the day before and God said, "He is." Meaning Jesus is worthy.

The walls of guilt began to crumble.

The anger remains. Just being honest here.

It's just the past. It's just the flesh. So why does it matter. Why does it effect me so.

After cool church I was thinking about why I see God as being angry at me if I do something wrong. What came to my thoughts was a picture that's been haunting me. I see the faces of the many men and they are all angry towards me. I didn't do anything to deserve it. Well I did something. Left my toys out or disobeyed so it made my dad furious so I ran from him which I knew I was not to do. So I was in a place I shouldn't of been (middle of a drug deal) because I was running, something I shouldn't be doing. I see Gods face and he is angry as well. I felt he was angry at me just like all the rest of the men. Where they angry or just evil? I know I have trouble discerning other emotions from anger. Excitement seems like anger to me.

The anger comes from the pain and the pain seems hopeless. I know much of the past when I look at it It doesn't trigger a response, just ugh, yuck, there it is, oh well, it has no hold on me anymore. Or at least very little hold on me. I have a memory I've not dealt with. I know I have to. It keeps nagging me. So it must be almost time. Gotta get through this one first. I keep saying to God, I'll deal with that one next, and then we're done right? There's always one to deal with and one tapping on the closet door waiting to get out. Deal with the one, toss it out, let the other out and begin to deal with it and another one starts tapping on the closet door.

I don't know how people do this with out the Lord. I know I couldn't. There's no way.

[Tam]

Ahhhh yes pine....the many faces we place on Jesus because of what was done to us. We know that he would no way be angry at us but because of our past that is what we see. We have to some how get past the faces of those who hurt us and look to the face of the one who loves us. Not an easy transition but when done a beautiful one.
Don't be so hard on yourself sis. Take one day at a time. When we look at the big picture it becomes way to much so just look at the today. Just today. Lets get through today and then focuse on today tomorrow.
With Jesus by your side holding your hand...you can make it I promise you that one sis.
Love ya and hang in there you are doing good!

[kimberly]

What I can see is God leading you to a place of triumph and victory. The day comes closer and closer when you won't be a captive any longer. Freedom from the past is a miracle, and I see it coming for you. God has big plans! They're always good, but the way to them may be rough. Persevering builds character and strength.

It's always a process, and the devil always fights you getting there. He does it by using your past against you. Those images may be strong and seem overwhelming, but I know you know who you REALLY are in Christ, for He's given you His Spirit. Halleluia!

When ever you see those angry men, Jump and shout the victory! God's release is near!

[deetu]

oh pine

Maybe it will make it easier to think that after you deal with each thing that comes knocking on your closet door, once it leaves, that door will be slammed shut behind it.
If they all tried to come out at once, it may be too overwhelming.

You know to get rid of the anger, you have to forgive. You know that forgiving doesn't make what happened right but will release that person so God can deal with them. Which will release you so you no longer carry that burden. I know you know this... just a little reminder.

[Dora]

Such sweet words of understanding, hope, and direction! Thank you all!

The day comes closer and closer when you won't be a captive any longer.

I believe! I believe!

Sometimes I feel like freedom will only come by death, but I know it's the enemy trying to take my life.

Freedom from the past is a miracle,

Amen! The things that I can look back at and shrug my shoulders at saying, "so what" is no doubt a miracle from God. Today I feel healing is coming to this one as well. I'm stronger today than I was last week.

and I see it coming for you.

Thank you for believing!

The anger is kinda like when you hit your thumb with a hammer. Anyone that says anything to you during that time may get some harsh words that you normally wouldn't say to them. I'm not sure what I'm mad at. The fact that It hurts, the men, God, or just the world.

I keep getting the picture of Jesus walking to Emmaus after he was resurrected. His friends were hurting, confused, and probably angry. They didn't recognize Jesus. Until they reached their destination and Jesus broke the bread. Their eyes were opened.

Moments of surrender (breaking) and receiving His will are coming slowly. When I get to the big moment of complete surrender is when my eyes will be opened. It's like diving off a cliff knowing he'll catch you, but the fear and doubt still remains.

I remember cubby would stand our kids on the table when they were little and they bend their knees with their arms out stretched and yell, "Catch me daddy." He always caught her. Then they'd hug so tightly and both would be so content. Then they'd do it again, over and over. It built her trust in him.