Just part of the neverending story
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:00 pm*Prior to coming to Oasis I had been working on my testimony. After much praying, soul searching, and guidance I finished my story... well, no one's story is really finished now is it? I am hoping that through His Spirit I may share some of my story that has brought me much closer to Him. More importantly, that my words may help someone else see how forgiving, gracious and loving a God we have the opportunity to serve!*
I was raised in a "good" Christian home. My family began attending a Methodist church when I was 6 years old. I was walked through all the rituals... confirmation, baptism, communion... always having the perception God was somewhere "up there" and Jesus was the reason we got presents at Christmas and baskets full of candy at Easter. I grew up in a "no talk" home... meaning negative, bad feelings were never expressed. I had friends but didn't get to spend a lot of time with them. So I spent more time isolated in my room, listening to music, reading, or fantasizing about how my life would be perfect in the future. For then, life in our family looked perfect from the outside. But inside there were those "pink elephants" in the living room... the ones you tried to ignore? My father wasn't around much due to long hours at work. He was a heavy drinker and smoker until I was 9. By the grace of God and I believe an ultimatum by my mother, he quit both cold turkey. It was very rarely discussed again.
When I was 10 I was introduced to "adult" magazines and films through my uncle's stash at my cousin's house. When we grew up my cousin and I wanted to be Playboy bunnies for the longest time. I also developed a flair for writing the erotic thoughts dancing in my head. These thoughts became more frequent, and yet sex education was never taught nor reinforced from the Christian perspective in my home. Again the "don't talk" rule.
College opened up new doors for me, as the newfound independence enticed Satan even closer. I stopped going to church with the excuse I could worship God "on my own time, in my own way". Although I did well in my 6 years of higher education I began drinking heavily, developed bulimic behaviors for a couple of years, and sexualized everything. I was entangled in an abusive relationship with a guy which wound up in a university court case where I wound up mandated to therapy. After my parents read 15 pages of the behaviors I'd been exhibiting for a good year their response was to take me home for 3 days then ship me back to school without one word said about it. After this time, I began to start playing piano again after a few years away (I was a vocal major in school). I truly believe this was God nudging me... He was there although I didn't see it at the time.
When I moved to the Chicago area for work I still indulged in the adult entertainment. I was in a couple of relationships that had no depth and were all about lust. I was drawn to the adult internet chat rooms and found out I was really good at phone sex. In the midst of all this, and while establishing myself in my career, my sister got married to a Godly man who was Phillipino. As she prepared to leave for the Philippines for a year she encouraged me to look for a church home. She even went to a couple of churches with me, but I didn't "feel" anything there. Oddly enough, I found my church in the yellow pages
From the first day I attended I knew God brought me there for a reason. Shortly after they were looking for a keyboardist and although I hadn't played in years I joined the worship band. I became more and more involved in church and for the first time started to actually feel and understand a relationship with Jesus Christ.
But Satan had other plans... you see, although I had found my calling for the time in the church I hadn't truly protected my mind and heart. The choices were still there... and Satan still enticed me with all the carnal, fleshly desires to the point where I began leading a double life. I had met a man who became my co addict, and was in the swinger lifestyle for three years with him. For some reason, I broke up with him the end of 2004. Something was calling me to a new program at my church, Celebrate Recovery. A 12 step Christian program where I revealed for the first time that I struggled with sexual addiction. I also began an online biblical study on sexual purity, and read everything I could on recovery. This went on about four months... until for SOME REASON, I began to stray again, and I fell... big time... that reason I realized later was not only influence by the enemy, but by my own selfishness and need for control.
Last chapter... after being one of the darlings of the Chicago lifestyle for 6 months (single bi sexual females are hot commodity), I had gone to a new doctor for my female exams and such. The "such" turned out to be a pretty extensive battery of STD testing, revealing I had contracted herpes at some point. I am asymptomatic in that I have no signs nor symptoms but the virus is there. For life. That natural consequence of my actions humbled me greatly. I did not blame God and was able to acknowledge His grace for it could have been much worse. I began to see where God's hand was in all of my sin, and how much He protected me and loved me even when I was dancing with the devil so to speak.
Cliches aside, to wrap this long, abbreviated version of the story (hehe), one of the core beliefs of sex addicts is that if you knew the real me, you could never love me, and would leave me. I've learned that the only one who will truly never leave me, and gives me unconditional love everyday, is HIM. I read it in the Bible, and you can too. I still struggle at times with boundary and relationship issues but my relationship with Christ is becoming so much stronger. Satan is but a whisper to me most of the time, and most of the time I CHOOSE not to hear him I thank God for bringing me to this community as well. Here I've found amazing Christian brothers and sisters, a real and trustworthy friend, and an awesome Godly mentor. I appreciate you all and know I pray for you daily.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:8-10 NLT
*BigHug* Susi
I was raised in a "good" Christian home. My family began attending a Methodist church when I was 6 years old. I was walked through all the rituals... confirmation, baptism, communion... always having the perception God was somewhere "up there" and Jesus was the reason we got presents at Christmas and baskets full of candy at Easter. I grew up in a "no talk" home... meaning negative, bad feelings were never expressed. I had friends but didn't get to spend a lot of time with them. So I spent more time isolated in my room, listening to music, reading, or fantasizing about how my life would be perfect in the future. For then, life in our family looked perfect from the outside. But inside there were those "pink elephants" in the living room... the ones you tried to ignore? My father wasn't around much due to long hours at work. He was a heavy drinker and smoker until I was 9. By the grace of God and I believe an ultimatum by my mother, he quit both cold turkey. It was very rarely discussed again.
When I was 10 I was introduced to "adult" magazines and films through my uncle's stash at my cousin's house. When we grew up my cousin and I wanted to be Playboy bunnies for the longest time. I also developed a flair for writing the erotic thoughts dancing in my head. These thoughts became more frequent, and yet sex education was never taught nor reinforced from the Christian perspective in my home. Again the "don't talk" rule.
College opened up new doors for me, as the newfound independence enticed Satan even closer. I stopped going to church with the excuse I could worship God "on my own time, in my own way". Although I did well in my 6 years of higher education I began drinking heavily, developed bulimic behaviors for a couple of years, and sexualized everything. I was entangled in an abusive relationship with a guy which wound up in a university court case where I wound up mandated to therapy. After my parents read 15 pages of the behaviors I'd been exhibiting for a good year their response was to take me home for 3 days then ship me back to school without one word said about it. After this time, I began to start playing piano again after a few years away (I was a vocal major in school). I truly believe this was God nudging me... He was there although I didn't see it at the time.
When I moved to the Chicago area for work I still indulged in the adult entertainment. I was in a couple of relationships that had no depth and were all about lust. I was drawn to the adult internet chat rooms and found out I was really good at phone sex. In the midst of all this, and while establishing myself in my career, my sister got married to a Godly man who was Phillipino. As she prepared to leave for the Philippines for a year she encouraged me to look for a church home. She even went to a couple of churches with me, but I didn't "feel" anything there. Oddly enough, I found my church in the yellow pages
From the first day I attended I knew God brought me there for a reason. Shortly after they were looking for a keyboardist and although I hadn't played in years I joined the worship band. I became more and more involved in church and for the first time started to actually feel and understand a relationship with Jesus Christ.
But Satan had other plans... you see, although I had found my calling for the time in the church I hadn't truly protected my mind and heart. The choices were still there... and Satan still enticed me with all the carnal, fleshly desires to the point where I began leading a double life. I had met a man who became my co addict, and was in the swinger lifestyle for three years with him. For some reason, I broke up with him the end of 2004. Something was calling me to a new program at my church, Celebrate Recovery. A 12 step Christian program where I revealed for the first time that I struggled with sexual addiction. I also began an online biblical study on sexual purity, and read everything I could on recovery. This went on about four months... until for SOME REASON, I began to stray again, and I fell... big time... that reason I realized later was not only influence by the enemy, but by my own selfishness and need for control.
Last chapter... after being one of the darlings of the Chicago lifestyle for 6 months (single bi sexual females are hot commodity), I had gone to a new doctor for my female exams and such. The "such" turned out to be a pretty extensive battery of STD testing, revealing I had contracted herpes at some point. I am asymptomatic in that I have no signs nor symptoms but the virus is there. For life. That natural consequence of my actions humbled me greatly. I did not blame God and was able to acknowledge His grace for it could have been much worse. I began to see where God's hand was in all of my sin, and how much He protected me and loved me even when I was dancing with the devil so to speak.
Cliches aside, to wrap this long, abbreviated version of the story (hehe), one of the core beliefs of sex addicts is that if you knew the real me, you could never love me, and would leave me. I've learned that the only one who will truly never leave me, and gives me unconditional love everyday, is HIM. I read it in the Bible, and you can too. I still struggle at times with boundary and relationship issues but my relationship with Christ is becoming so much stronger. Satan is but a whisper to me most of the time, and most of the time I CHOOSE not to hear him
I thank God for bringing me to this community as well. Here I've found amazing Christian brothers and sisters, a real and trustworthy friend, and an awesome Godly mentor. I appreciate you all and know I pray for you daily.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:8-10 NLT
*BigHug* Susi
myShepherd 
