Christianity Oasis Forum

[tigerlily]

Time for the truth

strength: always believes in her self
physical: her determination will lead her to her goal
character: carefree
emotional: does not have a care in the world

These words were once a perfect description of who i was, happy and carefree, i spent my childhood running around, playing games, cycling, and hanging with my best friend and my two next door neighbours claire and amy. We, my sister and I, and claire and amy, spent all day everyday, together, either outside in the field playing games, or I'd be using their play station, and everyone would laugh at me, cause whenever the lil character moved, jumped, dodged, I'd move with them, but one particular memory that makes me look back fondly at this is that we used to have pyjama parties, we'd get dressed into our pyjama's run round to their house feeling silly cos we were outside in our pj's, and then we get some supper, over take the living room, and watch Heartbeat, and then once that'd finished we go back to own houses and go to sleep, we all use to dream up that there was a secret passage between our houses and one day we would find it and wouldn't have to worry about going home we could just stay with each other all night!

But then things began to change, or as i got older, the way my family and other people thought of me became more apparent, the thoughts and seedlings of doubt from overheard conversations or gleaned from comments that were dropped, originally muddled with my happy childhood but grew and began to take over, my childhood faded and reality kicked in, the following, passages, paragraphs, whatever you want to call them, were all writen in the last few years, looking back at what happened to me, and leading me to were i am today, in putting them together i hope to tell you my story.



Im the youngest person in my family, and when and before i was born there where big expectations and plans on what i was going to be like but even before i was born these expectations didn't appear to be met, first off i was supposed to be a boy called Simon not a girl, second off I caused too many problems during the pregnancy everyone thought that I was going to be severely disabled and mentally handicapped so already, from circumstances beyond my controlled ive been labelled as a problem child. When i was born there were two big surprises one I was girl and two I was in perfect health and since then its been thought that I was purposely creating problems and causing my parents to worry when really they didnt have to.

Maybe for the first few years of my life people loved me for who I was but I can't remember, by the age of four I had barely uttered a word and for a child of this family it seemed proposterous that i might even think about being quiet, everyone thought i was mute as a result of the problems during my mothers preganancy, and treated me as though I was dumb and stupid, throughout my childhood and teenage years ive been talked to, shouted at and screamed at about how i should talk more and so it appeared to me not loved for who I was then as there was always someone telling me I wasn't good enough and that i had brought shame on the family, I didn't speak as people came to describe me 'she doesn't talk' i struggled at school at and I was labelled again as the black sheep and the stupid one, when i got old enough to realise this I became to hate the way some people would look at me and pity me for who i was, one teacher spent a lot of time with me trying to help me, she told my parents about how I struggled and again people had more reason to be ashamed of me, now 'the public' new how I was and then i was told not to talk as much so people wouldn't realise how stupid I was. By this time i come to be ashamed of myself and had been told of the shame id brought on the family by just been myself and i began to believe what everyone was saying that i was waste of space, pathetic and pointless, and according more recently to my sister that the way ive spent my life isn't worthwhile i.e. im not at work and making money and going out and getting drunk and having a boyfriend like everyone else does, again another reason why people wanted to exclude me from the family because i was an embarassment because i didn't do the things that everyone else was doing, i wasn't normal, it soon became my aim to be as far from normal as possible just to spite everyone, and the more I got yelled at for being a recluse the more i refused to talk to people and let people into my life i spent a lot of my childhood in my room staying out of the way of people and still do because i don't want to hear what they have to say to me because ive become to expect some kind of abuse from them.

At primary school I had no friends and I was continuosuly told that i had to find best friend someone who would spend time with me all the time and i did and i cherished the friendship, we were unseparable but my determination not to be normal lost my friend, and she left me because i wasn't cool or popular and she no longer wanted to be seen or associated with the likes of me, who was a geek. This hurt me a lot and still haven't got over it and since then ive told myself that I don't fit in and that I never will, that im ugly and fat and disgusting etc etc, i became even more of a loner and people yelled at me more, in year 10 i found a friend so precious to me, someone who i could talk to with no qualms, with no worries of what she would think of me, she didn't judge me because i quiet, with her I wasn't i was more of the person inside then i ever have been with anyone, she didn't judge me becuase of what i wore she just loved me exactly as I was, not once has she told me I should talk more, I dont think i would have made it through school and college and stuck at church if it wasn't for her, now shes moved to a different university church is lonely but not as bad as it was without her at all, through school i found a few more friends that didn't care what I looked like, and i was somewhat happy, apart from the other people all around me picking on me because of the way i looked and talked, or I least thats what i always thought, I used to question why out of a hall or corridor full of people why it would be me that they chose to pick on and i concluded that it was because of the way I looked and because i was just there one indcident stuck out more than any, I was walking home from school in autumn and two boys both younger than me were collecting leaves and making a huge pile of them, I didn't know who they were and they didn't have a clue who i was, but still they felt the need to pick up this pile of leaves and drop all them on my head, why? becuase i looked different, because i didn't fit in with everyone else, i was ugly and fat thats what i thought and as I never told anyone i never got told anything different.

Through all of this i had been going to church but even at church i sat in a pew or through sunday school wondering what everyone else thought of me always concluding what id grown up being told and believing myself, and this carried on everywhere i went I still flinch when people walk past me in the street thinking that they're going to turn around and do something to me, I only ever felt safe when i had Chrissy close to me. By the time i got to college id convinced myself that my friends thought the smae about me as i what i thought, i got quieter and got told more and more that i should talk more this annoyed me so much as i just wanted people to accept me as who i was then, I abused myself more and worried more about what everyone else thought of me,

Now at uni life continues as always, I have another friend just like chrissy, who i can just talk to with no worries but everyone else i always worry about what they really think of me and how they really see me, I've told a few people what i think and they all tell me the same that it only matters how God sees me and that he loves me yet i have trouble beleiving it and they tell me to give my shyness (I hate that word, it just adds another label to me) time but I hate being so quiet and lacking so much confidence its what has caused so many problems in my life so far, I hate it, everyone tells me to give it time but this was about 7 years ago and its had time yet im still the same, it only seems to be me that truely knows my character and a few people ive met in chat that i can be somewhat lively when i want to be).

Chat was an amazing concept for me i could make up whole new people, people that i want to be like, and i can tell people lies as to what makes me depressed and quiet so that they don't just label as another deluded teenager with problems that i'll just grow out of, i hate myself for lieing and i beat myself up for it adding to my depression that i can't just accept the way I am and get on with it.

Not all of this is entirely true, I know, buts its what ive told myself so many times, that ive become to believe, and that its become true to me.

I am depressed or at least i am very unhappy. That's the simple version of what has been happening but it becomes more complex as you add feelings of both of myself and the individuals around me Another thing to add into this mix is my shyness, an incredible shyness that could be represented as a barrier crushing down on myself and preventing the real me to come shining through, the barrier keeps me from knowing and accepting the love of those around me. It also stops me from asking for help, at times such as these when the only solution is to talk to people.

I can't remember a time when I was truly happy but I guess that as a young child I was, the problems begun when I started school, I can't say that I have always being unhappy nor can I say that I have always been happy, but then no one is happy 100% all of the time. It is the cycles of ups and downs that lead to the gradual setting in of depression. The cycle's can last as long as weeks or as short as hours, within an hour I can be cheerful, sad, cheerful and then sad again, it is this that gets to me, until eventually you cannot escape from the depression. Each time I begin to climb out of the hole I've been in - I visualise depression as a deep hole where the light is far away, but note this I can still the light and I know that there is more than darkness in life i am determined to get up and find the light but there is something suppressing the person inside me from coming back. I don't know if it is my own fears stopping this or something or someone else. I need someone to offer me a spade so that I can start digging and I need someone besides me to give me the strength to carry on and not to sit down and let all the work go to waste. The devil is still holding on to me but now I am not sure whether it is I holding on to the devil I think it varies, well the devil is always holding on to me but there are times when I want rid but the majority of the time I leave it to him and let him lead me into his path, he knows that I am too afraid to face up with the situation I am in and do anything about it.

I feel isolated from people and at the moment the main battle is the feeling of loneliness I hold. I want so desperately for there to be someone to hug and to let me cry but most of all I want to have someone to talk to to spill all my fears out to, but I know that if I go to someone the words I need to say will not come.

Sometimes I feel as if I am trapped inside myself, as if there is a whole different world going on inside my head will I ever be separated from the thoughts which rule my mind ?

I am so self conscious around people, do they like me? Or are they going to laugh because of what I'm wearing or how my hair is, or they just been nice to me, I'm at university I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, but really I have no friends, no one to talk to and no one notice me and that all isn't right. I question everything someone tries to do for me, someone may genuinely try and be nice to me and start up a conversation but I'll believe that will be mocking me and say only a few things back to them, I don't know how to talk to people any more, there are only very few people who I will willingly speak to, I am even guarded when I talk to my parents, I won't let anyone know what is wrong when I'm sad, no one sees my tears.

I no longer know where I stand with my faith, but only that I can pray to someone I don't know or feel is there any more, I know I just have to be patient and see it through but its starting to take its toll, such as no sleep, I seem to be crying out for help and getting no answer.

Heres a thought, that every person you meet even that weird looking guy you pass in the street plays a part in building who you are, so all those people who laugh at you and bully you, there really doing you a favour in helping you become the person your meant to be. I know theres a bright, happy cheerful person deep down inside me, one that doesn't have a care in the world, that doesn't care what other people think and that would hold her head high and not be ashamed of anything but she's buried underneath all the crap that the world has done to her and its going to take some digging to get to her, theres only me now that knows that she's there now, my grandfather once said to me one day she'll come out to play again and she'll shine like the child i used to be, sweet and innocent, how I so want to be that child again and how i miss my grandfather even now,

I miss my daddy i long for the day when i can run into his arms and be spun around like a small child again ....

I don't know how to pray all the time I do I don't feel as though I am talking to anyone, i feel a need to focus completely on God but it seems impossible to do. When I pray is someone listening and who is that I'm praying to? Or am i just talking into thin air ? Is there someone listening even though it doesn't feel like it ? I want to love God so much but at the moment its like I'm indifferent to all it and that its physically impossible to love him. I wanna scream and shout at how frustrated all this making me feel.

When I get down I let everything rest on my shoulders, i cry and feel sorry for myself, but its worse than that, theres a huge feeling of pain within me that no amount of tears will get rid off and that seems like it will never go away, an emotional pain not a physical one and one so great that somehow it has to escape, normally through anger at myself and abusing myself verbally. I feel like theres no one who cares about me, yet have an overwhelming fear of talking to anyone about it, if anyone asks me what's wrong I deny there is something yet think through the words i would say if i could they just never leave my mouth.

Another problem is sleep, I can never sleep until i get too exhausted that my head just stops working but otherwise by brain just keeps going and never stops running other things.

I haven't read my bible for a such a long time, or prayed, I don't know who I am praying too, it feels like Im taking a leap into the unknown, but maybe thats what faith is about? But I don't know when i pray i dont feel anything as though im just talking to myself or an empty room.

I create problems or I make up stories, i lie so that people pay me some attention and so that i feel like im loved. I dream that people are near me or with thier arms around me so i hace a sensation of being loved, in reality i dont let any of my feelings show and when people come to talk im awkward with them and want to be left alone . This has created many more problems in my life to including small ones such as not getting anything done or larger more disrupting ones. Sometimes its a consequence of sheer laziness that i dont move and prevent in from happening other times i let these problems overtake my day. I used to be a happy child, pulling pranks on my dad like removing his shoelaces and doing them up the other way, or hiding things beneath other peoples pillows, and singing at the top of my voice in the shower, leaping out of bed in the morning and then having to stay in bed with a book until everyone else got up, now i barely talk to anyone and take about 3 hours from hearing my alarm to actually getting up.



I feel like all these things are nothing compared to what other people are going through, but to me they are mountains that need climbing, but when i first arrived into the world of chat, I felt I needed to have more dramatic problems so that people would hear me, some people have been with me since the lies started, and know where ive been and where im heading probably more so than I do myself, they've seen the amount of times I've stopped and realised what ive been doing and seen me wrought in guilt over it but then falling back to my old ways again and no doubt it will happen again, but for now this is the truth as plain as it can get. I did some talking, and now i'm beginning to realise where all the lies came from, my need to feel that someone cared about me, that someone loved me, for someone to pay me some attention, but now, I don't know, I don't know, how to explain it, how to write it down, in reality im the opposite of needing people to love me, i'll push them away, run away from situations i don't want to face yet stand up and face them at the same time, and i can't stand being fussed over, in chat im different maybe because its easier to express myself in typed words rather than spoken words, Ill stick to those people that i know won't push me away however many times i whine and feel sorry for myself and as explained above to those who'll care for me, but i can't just stick in a world centred around my problems and wonder why no one listens to me or why the words people say to me never help, but i guess it would help if I spoke to people to in the first place, and if I spoke the truth too, i've got battles to fight.

[lizzie]

I love you very much lils

I know this wasnt easy for you to post, but you did it anyway Courage is moving despite our fear.

You are very special young lady, with lots of gifts and talents. I know God has awesome plans for you. So you stay in Him lil one. God is faithful to you.

You are right... this is just the beginning

God bless u lilsy

[Poefenjaf]

Lily?

You can be quiet with me anytime sis. I NOW understand you so much better. I am honoured to have read your testimony. I pray that God (and you) would allow me to learn from you as I watch you grow in this journey.

I love ya Lily. No question about it.

[momof3]

lil i love you....and know what? Jesus loves you so much more. I know how hard this was for you to do. This is the beginning, sis. Opening up in truth will set you free. The TRUTH will set you free. His truth. You arent alone, though the enemy of your soul would love for you to think you are. This is the beginning of a journey, lil. Hold on to the truth. He will lead and guide you and you wont be alone. i love you, girl.

In Jesus,
momo


psstttt........if you wanna know God's heart and how He feels for you...you gotta read what He says. start in John or Luke and commit yourself to reading them a lil each day. Ask Him to give you understanding. He will. Dont give up, He hasnt given up on you. He loves you soooo much more than you know.

[xxJILLxx]

i love you lily!

i agree what all have said and support you

You are very curageous and i am so honored to share in your friendship.


Psalms 31:24
Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.


we are all here to support and love you
♥ya
♥Jill