Christianity Oasis Forum

[WalkByFaith]

I have been trying to get up the nerve to post my testimony for a couple years. Still I am hesitant...

My dad was physically/emotionally/verbally/sexually abusive. When my sister and I were little my mom was the only one working, and we would be home all day with my dad. My mom didnt see a lot of what was going on. whenever we were too loud or did something wrong we would get hit. There are a couple times I remember my mom sitting in the same room watchingmy dad scream at me and hit me. I couldnt understand why she was letting him do that to me. I developed hate for both of my parents and didnt feel safe in my own home. I never had friends over, didnt talk in school, and was a poor student. My teachers tried puting me in a special reading class when I was in 5th grade, because they thought that I had a learning disability. Matter of the fact was that I was too shy, and too afraid to say or do anything, didnt want to give the wrong answer and be punnished, and didnt want to get laughed at. My dad not only abused my sister and I, but beat our dogs. His temper was out of control with just about everything. One of my dogs got broken ribs because she jumped up on my friend when we were outside playing. My dad got angry and grabbed the dog by the neck and drop kicked her across the yard. My friend called her parents to come pick her up and she never spoke to me again. I never had any friends over to the house. In middle school and high school I was still not a great student, but I was passing my classes just enough. Didnt have any friends outside of school, but I was living a double life and if anyone found out about what was going on I would be toast. In high school I developed some habbits of trying to OD on pills, and cutting my wrists. I figured dieing would be better than living this life anymore. My mom wouldnt even help us, or leave my dad. So I guess I was a bad kid.. and I deserved it. Thats what I thought anyways, and still struggle with that. My mom was verbaly abusive. I tried to tell her about what my dad was doing, and she would tell me to shut up and to not talk bad about him. She said that if I was being punnished that I deserved it, and I was a smart alleck with an attitude problem and I should just shape up. At every report card it was the same routine. I would hear about how stupid I was, and that I would amount to nothing. That if I ever found someone that would marry me, that he wouldnt deal with me for long because I wasnt worth anything and he wouldnt want to deal with me. My attemts to OD and my cutting became more frequent but I failed every time. I didnt care what happened in my life or to me anymore.. I met someone online and she kind of knew the situation, but not really.. but she offered for me to go live with her. Since I didnt really care what happened to me I agreed. I left home / ran away 3 days after I turned 18 to go live in Ohio with a family that I had never met. They treated me ok, but did not have the means to have another person living in their home. The got evicted from their house not long after I moved there, and we ended up in a dumpy apartment that was attatched to a bar. This was not in a good part of town and there were gang/bar fights almost everynight. A couple times there were even shots fired, and a bullet was found in the side of our house. This ladys brother was over a lot, and I didnt have a job and was home most the time too. He raped me for a couple of months, until him and his sister got in a fight about something completly different and he was banned from ever coming back to the house. After living in Ohio for a few months. I met this boy. He worked at the pet store that I went to all the time, and somehow we got to taking, exchanged phone numbers and started dating. He came to pick me up from this apartment I was in a couple of times, and then because of the living conditions and the part of town, he refused to come over there anymore. He told his mom about it and his mom called me. She insisted that she come over to meet me, and the "family" and to see the house. So I let her come over and she was speechless. She asked me what room I was staying in .. and she went back there packed up all my things, and told me I was not allowed to stay there another night. THats when things in my life started turning around.

I moved in with my boyfriends family since my bf was leaving for college. They helped me get on my feet. They all pitched in, and his grandmother even got me a cheap car so I could get back and forth to work. I got a job, and went back to school to get my GED since I left before I graduated high school. They would take me to church with them and thats when I started to know God. I knew about Him, and knew he saved me quite a few times.. but I never knew Him. My life was finally "normal" and on track. I didnt want to stay a burdon to them, so once I was on my feet and could hold my own.. I got an apartment with a girl I had met through work. She was a couple years younger than me and was still in a stage of rebelion and partying. She would have people over to the house all the time.. and go out to the bars drinking and bring them home. One night I went to the bar with her, and I met this cute, sweet guy. After a couple hours of talking we exchanged numbers.. and after a few dates I agreed to go to his house for New Years to watch movies with his dad and sister. Well.. I drove myself there and he was there.. but his dad and sister were not. The first part of the night was fine.. but I started getting anxious when I realized that it was just going to be us there alone and no one was coming home anytime soon. He forced himself on me, and raped me . I fought with him and finally got out of the house and jumped in my car. I drove 30 min back to my apartment crying and ashamed. It took me about 15 min to realize that I was being followed. I got to the apartment and ran inside locking the doors..and layed in my roomates room with her. She asked me what had happened and I didnt tell her.. The guy followed me home and came up to the door and started banging on the door to get in .. yelling and asking to come in.. said he was sorry for what he had done. My roomate tried to get me to tell her again what happened and I wouldnt. She went downstairs to tell him to go away and the neighbor had called the cops and he fled when they got there. Of course I didnt talk to the cops and tell them what was going on. After a year.. my life started getting back to normal again.. or what I considered normal.. and I ended up moving back "home" to Washington after being away for 3 years. I was convinced that I had failed and that I couldnt make it on my own . .. and I couldnt deal with anything else. By this time my mom and dad were devorced and I moved in with her and my step dad for 4 months untill I got a job, and had enough money saved to get my own apartment. I still deal with my moms verbal abuse .. and I still hear about what a failure I am...and that I will amount to nothing.. Nothing I have done, or ever will do will never be good enough for her. Im still trying to find my way in this world..I dont have many friends I push them away as soon as I can, because I am not worthy of their friendships. People are only let in past my walls to a cirtain point..because I dont belive that people love me, or they ever will .. there is nothing about me to love. I have lied about some things in my life to get attention to see if anyone really even cared.. I lost a lot of friendships over that that I needed and wanted to keep. There is nothing I can go back and change, but I learn from it an move on. People have forgiven me, and God has forgiven me.. but I still have not learned to forgive myself ... There is still soo much more to my story that I have left out.. but this is all that I wrote. This is all that I can write.. Thanks for not judging me, and letting me get this out here... I needed to do this a long time ago.

[realtmg]

It is nice that you were able to share this. All of of has past that we are not proud of. It is healthy to share what is within as you did.
When I first came here, I was Real from the beginning thinking I would never meet anyone from here. So I shared the good and bad. This was a place I could come and still be accepted after sharing the bad.
Love is within this site as He is love.
Thanks for sharing.

GBU

Real

[Timothy]

WalkByFaith,

You bring joy to my heart.
I am delighted to call you - my friend.

The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a mighty savior;
He will rejoice over you with gladness, and renew you in His love,
He will sing a joyful song because of you, as one sings at festivals.
( Zephaniah 3:17 )

God Bless You my sister.

Timothy

[foreverHis]

love ya walk..so does He

[sweetlittleangel]

u keep on shining dear walkbyfaith

u gonna shine, shine, shineee

love ya!