Christianity Oasis Forum

[judahroar]

a true friend is someone whom asks how there doing and doesn't make excuses like i've been busy.if you can post on here you can email your friend.

[dema]

I found an old friend - I had to really work to find her. I found an old website that she'd been on and called everybody on it and finally found her after 17 years or so. And we talked every day on Skype, or almost every day. I worked really hard to be there because she needed me. And it was hard to do. And I told her how I had sooooo many friends, but none of them were there when I felt lonely. I was always THEIR friend, and they weren't MY friend. And she was sooo understanding and said the right things.

And you know what? When I was in the midst of divorce and needed her, she disappeared. Said she was depressed and busy with her job. And she wasn't there either. I mean totally disappeared.

Well, I went to my church and I told an older woman that I knew there about my divorce and she hooked me up with a group of women who know how to be friends. That has been over a year now - and NOW if I need a friend, someone is there.

But there are two parts to what I said here - Are YOU being a friend? You need to be a friend as well as needing a friend. It has to go both ways. Some of us are better at being a friend than at needing a friend and then people take us for granted.

But some people are better at needing a friend than being a friend and sometimes they wear people out.

I went years without a good two way relationship. And I had friends, one said she liked to think that she was there for me. But she never was. Busy, busy, busy. Lately we've been there for each other. But I don't know that she won't be hard to catch when her life gets straightened out. She's a sweet lady. If I was dying, she'd manage to get to my bedside. But, I'd just have to scream so loud to get her attention.

Don't feel too bad for me - I have daughters. And the daughters came when I needed them most. I hated to call them - Mom's are supposed to care for daughters, not vice versa. But I needed them and they came. And then the church hooked me up with friends. And life is terrific.

I truly believe that those who love God make the best friends.

Keep looking. And make sure that you are also BEING a friend.

[vahn]

The exact wording is a bit irrelevent but ....

A man , two sons , and a farm ... He asks one of his sons to go do some work forr him in the farm . The son says " yes , I will go " , but doesn't ..... The father asks the other son , and he says " No , I will not go " but later , he does .

Just a thought that crossed my mind .


In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Dora]

Judah I'm sorry I failed you.

It's apparent from your private messages that I'm the one you are speaking of.

Why did I not reply to your second message on May 12th? I have no idea. All I can say is at that time in my life I had just gotten out of the hospital and the doctors had me on a ton of medication. I was trying to get back to work when I still wasn't mental stable enough to work. I came here and posted when I could but sometimes I was just to tired to respond to people. Perhaps your message was one of those. I have to ask why you waited nearly 3 months to write me again or why you waited 3 months to ask me why I didn't write you.

I hope you choose to join the chat room and make more friends. Please understand though you don't really know what any other person is completely going through. So if a person doesn't respond to you it might be there are some unpleasant things in their life that is happening to them right now.

God bless and keep you.

[mlg]

Hi judahroar,

I don't think we've met. I'd like to share about what I feel to be a True friend...I have two best friends...one from high school and one from college...and they both live very far away from me now...and have their own lives....and we don't talk to one another much at all...maybe once every 6 months to a year...but that's ok...because I understand that my friends have things going on in their life and can't always be there and sometimes they just want some time to themselves....but when we do get time to talk and share...it's like we had been talking every day...we just pick up where we left off....I think often our relationship with Jesus is like that as well...we wander away from His presence for a bit...but when we come back He is right there...waiting to take up where we left off...friendships require patience, understanding and most of all love...without expecting anything in return....because when you start expecting...people will always fail your expectations....but of course Jesus never will...seek Jesus for true friendship and companionship and you won't be disappointed.

God Bless you.

[judahroar]

i do email friends but i just gave up cause they don't email me back.i know people get sick.
and i don't think asking if a friend has 5 min. out of there day to ask another friend how your doing is a high expectation.

[mlg]

Hi judah,

As I said...if you expect...you will be disappointed...but I do hope you find the friend you seek...God's will be done for you.

Take care

[judahroar]

it's not an expectation to want a friend to ask how your doing.i just figured a friend loves them enough to ask how there doing to do it on there own.
just don't post anymore cause i keep getting misunderstood.

[dema]

I've found in my life that many people expect things of me that they don't do themselves. My Aunt called and asked why I hadn't called her. But I had called her the last twelve times anybody had called anybody. So why couldn't she call me every other time? My ex-husband fussed when I didn't touch him enough - but he never touched me without my asking. In most of my friendships, I am the one who calls, responds quickly, keeps it going. It shouldn't be one-sided. I should be cared about as much as I care. I just broke up with a friend because she thought that she should be able to ignore me for a month or more until she got over something in her personal life. She was into self-blame and stuff and thought she should be allowed to just punish herself and ignore me and my problems. I don't need that. And you know what - friendship is two ways. Some relationships are helper and helped. Others are friendships. And friendships are two ways.

Should a person answer an email the same day - well, not always. Sometimes there are vacations and floods and deaths and other events. Should they answer within a week - well, probably. If they want to be close friends they should.

Expectations - both people need to have reasonably close expectations. My friend expected to lick her wounds for a month or more when she was hurt. I expect someone to take walks with me and listen to me when I am hurt. These two expectations don't match. So I broke up with her.

People expect vastly different things. There isn't a rulebook of universal expectations. Well, maybe there are a few things. Hold the door open for the lady with all the packages. .

[Ruthk34]

For me my only true friend is my husband. We are always there for each other in thick and thin. Others always seem to be distant to me. I may go visit someone I call friend but none ever come to visit me. So then I ask myself if they even want to see me at all but then I get invited over but it's usually for a party to sell stuff or some other event. I ask myself "Am I just another body to fill a space?" because thats how it feels. So I just don't bother anymore. Even though I sometimes wish for someone else to talk to like when it comes to women things that I would like a womans point of view on. I just havn't found someone that I feel I could trust with personal stuff other than my husband. Some times I can talk to my mom but there are things you just don't talk to mom about.

[dema]

I think that maybe people have always let business keep them from friendship as they get older. Maybe in the nursing home people make friends. . And of course our lives now are faster and busier than lives in the past. And "freer" from expectations. People don't have rules of behavior like they used to have.

If someone does extend the hand of friendship, don't turn it away. But realize that what they are wiling to give may not be the quantity that you wish to receive.

Particularly if you have been lonely for a long time or weren't close to your parents, you may want an awful lot from a friend. Like childhood friends - when you spend the day together and spend the night over at each other's house almost every weekend. I think sometimes our adult hearts yearn for that 60 hour a week kind of friendship. But anymore, I have had people who called me their best friends and we saw each other for dinner 8 times a year and talked on the phone for 10 minutes maybe when we set it up. Had one where it was three times a year.

That's back to expectations. Sometimes it is difficult to match expectations.