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I haven't been on COOL for a while. I have an issue that really came to light this week. I am a born again believer. I had been stagnant for many years though until things came to an emotional head last year. Through the help of this site and my Bible study and other studies, I am growing. Even though I am 54, I am still so spiritually immature.

What I noticed is that I am quick to anger and feel irritation, that if I let it go would spill over to other people and it would be cruel. I know that I have always gotten easily frustrated at dropping things or fumbling with stuff. That can set me off sometimes. I felt like I was getting that under control.

For instance, in my Bible study there is a woman (Lynn) who has liver disease and because of her problems cannot drive anymore. There is another woman (Mary ) who befriended her and brought her to the study, whom I like a lot. She asked if I could drive her to the study since we live close. So we drive together and that's all good. Lynn mentioned that the next time she went to the doctor's she wanted to meet Mary for lunch. Since I like them both, I figured I would volunteer to taker Lynn and then we could all meet for lunch. So I picked Lynn up. It turned out to be a rainy day. Not good to begin with. It was a long drive and I was unfamiliar with the area. The first thing that began the rise in emtional temperature was she mentioned she didn't have toll money. I had not even thought about that. I had no cash on me. So I offered to pull off the highway and go to a bank machine. Then she said she had two $2 bills (which she really wanted to save, not spend), but we had to use them. Then as we got over to the other side of town either I misunderstood or she made a mistake, we missed the exit and had to keep driving for a while to get off and figure out where we were. Emotional temperature rising. I put on the GPS but she didn't know the exact address. She calls the doctors office to get in and because the phone goes to speaker on the GPS and I was fiddling with it I cut her off twice. Temperature rising. We get the address finally. I try to plug the info in the GPS, and was all thumbs. Had to start over three or four times. Temperature really rising. Then finally, it's all good. We finish with her appointment. Then we go find out where Mary works. We don't know the address. We call her, get it and then punch it in the GPS. Ok. We're close to Mary's when we realize we don't know where the Chick-fil-a is. We punch restaurants on the GPS but it it's not on there. I'm really stressing inside because Mary has a set time to eat her lunch and I'm afraid we're not going to make it. I then remember she mentioned it was by Walmart. So I plug that in and we head towards it. Voila! We found it. We go in. Lynn only has $5. I need to pay by debit so I end buying all of our lunch (not expected). Then Lynn sat in the back with Mary and spilled her drink on my carpet. So I ended up paying for gas and lunch and came home feeling really what? I don't know. Angry. Frustrated. After I came home that night, I wrote about to the Lord. I knew I was wrong and asked for forgiveness. I'm just thankful I didn't express all of the stuff that was I was feeling.

But then today I failed again. There is another woman in my Bible study whom I met last fall. When she first came to the Bible study she said she had to have surgery on her knee. She was new in town and didn't have anyone to take her. Because I work at home and my job is flexible, I volunteered because I could. I had planned to spend one night but was asked to stay another which I did not want to do, but did. God really did help me grow through it. Debra is wise in spiritual things and has taught me a lot. However, she is "high maintenance". Another time she went away and asked me to come to her house to walk and feed her two dogs, birds and fish. Did it. Reluctantly. She wants to give me a key. I do not want the responsibility. So I am trying to distance myself from her. She keeps mentioning my negativity, which is something I need to get out of, I agree. This week she called 911 to go to the hospital with stomach pains and constipation. She sends the word out (I might add again) she wants visitors and cards. So me and another lady went over her house to see her. I had a little gift for her. She asked us if we wanted something to drink. I asked her for hot tea. She went to the kitchen and started moving this and that and it looked like a lot of trouble, so I said if it's too much trouble not to bother. She came into the dining room and was speaking to Lynn saying, I don't like that negativity. I blew up. Anger came to the top. I said, "well I'm sorry for the negativity I'm casting over your aura" and I got up to leave. I asked Lynn to come because I drove. I knew I was wrong. Debra tried to calm me down. So I sat back down and ended up enjoying tea and cookes and them two talking.

These are some of the things that are rising to the top more often lately. I do believe the Lord is showing me what's in my heart. I read the study on anger mangement on COOL. I feel convicted. I know I am wrong. It evidently comes from Pride. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I know that whenever I do something for someone else, instead of doing it joyfully as unto the Lord, I do it grudgingly.

Are there ways to express whatever it was I was feeling in a win-win way? If so, I'm clueless.

Hello Dabs

God bless you this day.

Awwwwwwww, I am so happy to see you again. I think about you often. Awwwww, God is so Good!!!

First of all, while reading what you wrote, I, too, thought it odd, that others would invite you to lunch, but neither had the monies to pay for their own lunch. But, we humans sometimes do odd things. I know that there is pressure from many people to incorporate eating out with getting together -- even for Bible Studies, but I (and many) do not have the funds to go out to dinner or lunch. Some find it difficult to admit they do not have money -- I got over that a long time ago. There is no shame in not having money, despite what a lot of people believe. There is freedom in Christ, and where His freedom is, there is no shame. Woooohoooo, Thank You Jesus.

Dabs, I love your honesty, and I find it refreshing. I also have had moments where I have volunteered to do something, then later wished I had not. Would be easier if everything were more spontaneous, but in this schedule-driven world, spontaneity kinda gets squashed. I also love how The Holy Spirit is working in you. Yes, He is. But, sometimes our flesh objects, and if our flesh is close to objecting, then the slightest thing can set us off.

Read, Romans 7:14-25 and Romans Chapter 8 again.

We are all being trained, and training is exercise. The more we incorporate the spiritual exercises of godliness, as encouraged by The Lord, the more we'll grow and develop the spiritual muscles to overcome our carnal/flesh mind's thoughts and desires.

One thing I would like to point out to you, if I may: you are keenly aware of your own internal battle -- the battle between carnal and spirit, but I don't know that you are seeing that others have these same battles too, even your new Christian friends. When you lashed out at your friend and got up to leave, well...she spoke more out of her carnal self than spirit self, too, when she protested about your negativeness, which culminated in your little outburst. You can be sure that the enemy of our souls orchestrated that little scuffle of emotions and outbursts, but look how God turned it back around. Thank You Jesus.

Dabs, The Lord God Almighty loves you. He is changing you from the inside out. Try to focus more on His faithfulness and be confident in Him, knowing He is working in you.

Welcome home, Dabs. It's great to see you.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

Dear Mack,
I have missed you so much too. Last time we talked I said I was going to send you a testimony. That all got jumbled in my head. God is working it out for me though. I have not gotten on COOL because I felt embarrassed that I didn't do what I said I would. I didn't feel it was right to keep depending on you so also. But I am so glad and lighter hearted that you replied to my post.

I read Romans 7 and 8. When I got to the part about being adopted and can call God, Papa, I cried. I don't want to feel the anger. I want to walk in love.

Are there any guidelines on how and when to serve others? Sometimes I do things but then feel resentment or taken advantage of. Then I think Jesus didn't resent me when he suffered. I see others in my Bible study group and they seem to do everything out of love. I don't see their hearts of course so I am saying that's how it appears. How do I determine when to say yes to a need? Is it always? Do I depend on the Holy Spirit? Yes, I know I should, but I can't always hear Him.

I am so glad that Jesus even understands me better than I do myself. Instead of beating myself until I am blugeoned, I have gone to God and asked Him to help to stop judging others. That is His job. He does it much better. And He is much more merciful than me. Especially, towards me. So, I ask for forgiveness believing He forgives me because of what Jesus paid to take away my sin. I receive that Jesus is my Advocate rejecting the accuser's accusations against me. I trust Him to work this junk out of my heart that I may walk in his peace and His glorious light. Over, done with, gone!

Now, the hard part. I have to fess up to the sister with whom I erupted. I still want to maintain some distance but I don't want there to be any undercurrants going on.

Thank you so much for helping we work things out in my mind and spirit, Mack.
Love and kisses,
Denise

Hello Dabs

God bless you this day.

Dabs, I love talking about The Lord and His Word, and how to apply His Word to our walk. And, I love that you want to willingly offer yourself to Him, being an active participant in the sanctification process.

You asked some very important questions, ones that we should all consider from time to time. How do we know, when and how much when it comes to serving others? It would be one thing if none of us had jobs or family or had to deal with all the other responsibilities that come up in any given day, huh?

There are many needy people in this world. Some have no one in which they can share their life, nor can depend on in times of need. There are some that live this type of lifestyle by choice, but when they find themselves in great need, have no one to help them. That is quite sad. There are also some who are so very lonely that they actually feign illness because that is the only way they "think" they can convince others to come and talk or do for them. It is so very sad and heart wrenching.

We do need to allow The Holy Spirit to lead us, and consciously set our mind on Him and listen for Him. One way I describe it for myself is this. By nature I can be very selfish and lazy, desiring to do whatever I want. He convicts me, a feeling of guilt comes on me and it turns me around to seek Him. Once in His presence, I am renewed and when renewed my heart then feels His love and His compassion moving in me. His power of love and compassion is what then encourages and moves me to do for others...not the guilt. For me, doing for others from of a feeling of guilt, just feels heavy and burdensome. But, doing for others from His power of love working in me, feels awesome!!!

There are times we have to say a gentle no to people, because our time and energies are committed elsewhere. We do learn as we go, as long as we keep that spirit to Spirit connection going between us and God.

In regards to the particular friend that wanted to give you her key. I would really pray about it. God wants us to lay down our life for Him, and let Him point us where we are to go. He loves you, Dabs, and He knows the plans He has for you.

I hope this helps, some.

Did I say how happy I am to see you again? Yeah!!!

God bless and keep you, Dabs.
Love,
Mack