Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Dear Stranger,
I'm not exactly sure how someone who's supposed to be so close to me can be so far away. the truth is Ive never really known you, my entire life Ive tried to get to know you, Ive tried to win your love, Ive tried to get you to say that you loved me even if it was just once. but it seems like no matter how hard I try, Ill never be good enough for you to want me.
I hate fathers day. I hate it because every other person in the the world gets to spend time with the person that they love so much that they have the privilege of calling them dad. I dont have that privilege. because deep down I know that I can never be a child that you actually wanted, I'll always be the youngest, the weakest, the 4th best, the least important to you.
there is this huge void both between us, and in my heart where I reserved a place for you. I've spent my entire life trying to fill it, knowing that it will never be filled with what it needs to be filled with, and I cant wait around forever for that to happen. I love you as much as a stranger can love another stranger, but I cant love you the way I want to because you will never return my love. that makes me truly sad and it is absolutely soul destroying.
my soul aches to have someone to fill that spot I've reserved, and one or two people have come close to being put in that place, but much like you, they didnt stick around long enough to move into it and even if they had, it wouldnt be the same.
whats worse is that even though you are a stranger to me, you have this way of sticking in my thoughts for days, weeks, sometimes months at a time, and the very thought of you not being here, not wanting me, and constantly wondering if you ever really did is enough to drive me insane. I think about it so much that it effects me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. sometimes Ill lay awake in bed at night and just think about what it would be like if we were just that little bit closer then I realize that its not night anymore and the sun is starting to rise. I cant even talk to people about it all that much because everyone tells me "but your heavenly father loves you" or "your still gods daughter" and thats all fine and dandy for them but it doesnt work for me. they know what its like to have a dad to be there and guide them and love them unconditionally. I dont. I dont know what its like to be hugged by father, how am I supposed to know what its like to be hugged by god? I dont know what its like to be lectured by my dad, how am I supposed to know that God is guiding me like a father should? Ive never had to have my boo boos, scrapes, and owies kissed better. how am I supposed to know when god is trying to heal my wounds?
the strange thing is I used to be really angry at you for letting me go. I used to hate you for not fighting for me, and I used to be so mad at you for allowing things to unfold the way they did, but now that Im older I cant blame you for doing that. yes, what happened hurt not just me, but the entire family. however if it hadnt have happened I probably we would have had to bury two of my brothers, and they would never have had the opportunities they were given when they moved here. I would never have met some of the few people that I love so very much. I would probably never know who God was. and even though I absolutely hate my life right now, when I think back on it I see that life is not something that I can control, and although I reel for that control, its still something that I just cant control and I need to put my faith in the one person that can control it.
sincerely,
Daddys little girl.

p.s I still love you, Happy fathers day.

Hi, Rain . . . I'm Bill > by the way, rain is one of my favorite blessings. I may think of raindrops on my face like they are God kisses from Heaven (o:

So, now you can feel for others who have not been loved. And knowing how this can be, you can make sure you don't do this to anyone.

I had a father who was so great with us, and he would come home and play on our neighborhood street with us and the other kids, too > I think I remember that I believed this would help to make us popular with other kids, that our father played with them. To think . . . at that age, first grade or less, I was able to think up how I could get *status* by having the father who played with the other kids, too.

We can think up things, at such a young age. Be careful about what you think up and decide. The way you set yourself, now, can effect your whole life and eternity.

Later, my father got more under the bondage of his alcoholism, and then was when he started coming home and reducing us to tears, with his ability to emotionally maneuver us, not even hitting us. So, the great dad so loving was not so deeply great to keep on being so "loving". I, too, did not know my father . . . while he had seemed like such a great man. Make sure you aren't someone who does this to someone else.

Once, I found him bent over in the driver's door of his car. What was he doing? Looking for used cigarette butts, since he had run out, the store was closed, and his party guests said they were out. I at age six realized here was this great dad, so popular and athletic, now being brought down to scrounge for germy cigarette butts under his car seat. I decided, if cigarettes could do that to him, it could be me, too; so I resolved to never smoke. This, by the way, was before he turned abusive.

He dried out, but still had his character, which had him get with another woman. He turned out not to be who he seemed like, at first.

So . . . can we forgive such people, and realize it could be us, too, since we are human, too?

And at age 61, I still am finding out how I need to get real with God, so I am not being somehow unloving with others. It can be so easy to point at someone else > but I'm human, too. It could be me, but maybe in some sneaky way I do not notice. So, only God can see me right and correct me.

"Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness." (Hebrews 12:9-10)

So . . . human fathers, even those who gave us attention, just do not cut it like our Father of Jesus does. We are called to submit to You, God, in order to get Your correction. So . . . trust Him to change you so you do this. There is no other investment to make, really. He is very quiet; so we need to calm it down, below our thinking and stinking (o: This is why quietness is so attacked by boredom and loneliness and frustration and unforgiveness, etc. > because Satan knows how in quietness we can connect with God.

By the way, there were a few things my father told me, in order to make sure I lived the right way. And still I benefit from these things, though now I might apply them in a more loving way. So . . . possibly there are certain things you could gain from having your father . . . learning from his wrongs, and even from maybe certain right things he told you. And in the church I was in, they told me enough so I didn't turn into a mass casualty terrorist in rebellion to how my father turned on me. So, even if the church was wrong in doctrine, etc., it told me certain things about Jesus and morals that still stay with me and get used by God, I would say, better than they or I would be applying these messages (o:

God bless you . . . hope to see you some more . . . (o: